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October 6, 2003

Octopus, jackboot, swan song, etc. We’re back. Good workshop. Heaps of stuff to catch up on.

Meanwhile, just to show that the Guardian has no monopoly on metaphors run amok, Electrolite commenter Robert L. Bolton points out the following, from Time magazine’s farking cover story this week:

So when Plame’s husband tried to step in front of the shoot-first, verify-later car that Bush had been steering, it was only a matter of time before the hard-liners tried to flatten Wilson.
As Bolton remarked in the comments to this post, “What on earth is a shoot-first, verify-later car? Who sells these dangerous vehicles?” While we’re at it, tell me again about the high standards of the national media. [01:55 PM]
Welcome to Electrolite's comments section.
Hard-Hitting Moderator: Teresa Nielsen Hayden.

Comments on Octopus, jackboot, swan song, etc.:

kip m. ::: (view all by) ::: October 06, 2003, 02:19 PM:

So Bush was steering, but it's the hardliners who try to flatten Wilson. Were they back-seat driving? Jogging Bush's elbow? Did they lean over and take the wheel at some point? --"Check it out," says Rove, pointing at the crosswalk. "Squealer at 12 o'clock high." "Ten points!" says Libby, giggling into his 64 oz. Big Gulp in the back seat. "Fifteen points if he's a Democratic partisan," says Cheney. "Go on. I double-dog dare ya."

And that "only a matter of time" makes the whole mess sound rather leisurely, doesn't it? --Which would render the overarching metaphor into something like that joke from the first Austin Powers movie, with the slow-moving steamroller and the guard who just can't manage to get out of the way.

(Also, they forgot to wrap "fbi" and "cia" in their small-caps tag throughout the Time article. Nits galore!)

Kathryn Cramer ::: (view all by) ::: October 06, 2003, 03:50 PM:

What on earth is a shoot-first, verify-later car?

That would be a Hummer, I imagine.

Robert L ::: (view all by) ::: October 06, 2003, 08:49 PM:

I'm not sure, but I think it has something to do with being run down by the drunken taxicab of absolute reality.

Jordin Kare ::: (view all by) ::: October 06, 2003, 09:14 PM:

Robert: "Drunken taxicab"? What has it been drinking, premium leaded?

LauraJMixon ::: (view all by) ::: October 06, 2003, 11:56 PM:

Jordin: of course not, silly; it was running on ethanol.


-l.

Robert L ::: (view all by) ::: October 07, 2003, 07:01 AM:

Sorry, Jordin, i was [slightly mis quoting the late, great Allen Ginsberg:

who were burned alive in their innocent flannel suits on Madison Avenue amid blasts of leaden verse & the tanked-up clatter of the iron regiments of fashion & the nitroglycerine shrieks of the fairies of advertising & the mustard gas of sinister intelligent editors, or were run down by the drunken taxicabs of Absolute Reality,

And of course, on this blog, we know who the "sinister, intelligent editors" are as well...

Robert L ::: (view all by) ::: October 07, 2003, 07:07 AM:

Sorry, Jordin, I was [slightly mis]quoting the late, great Allen Ginsberg:

who were burned alive in their innocent flannel suits on Madison Avenue amid blasts of leaden verse & the tanked-up clatter of the iron regiments of fashion & the nitroglycerine shrieks of the fairies of advertising & the mustard gas of sinister intelligent editors, or were run down by the drunken taxicabs of Absolute Reality,

The last phrase was popular among my friends at Columbia (sudents or dropouts) who drove taxis, as did I.
And of course on this blog, we know who the "sinister, intelligent editors" are too...

Blaise Cassidy ::: (view all by) ::: October 07, 2003, 11:29 AM:

Dear Valued Customer,

We at Illuminati Ganga Automotive Solutions are very proud of our shoot-first, verify-later car and believe it offers an advanced application for dealing with the responsibilities of modern-day vehicular violence.

With the shoot-first, verify-later car you do not need to slow down or otherwise inhibit your driving experience in order to shoot to kill, shoot to maim, shoot to scare shit out of, or shoot to look like drunken fool (please note more shooting modules expected soon).

Furthermore the shoot-first, verify-later car protects you against any legal repercussions based on not intending to verify, as our paid jurists have agreed in court cases we bribed to completion that the possession of any of the fine Illuminati Ganga cars containing verify-later technologies shows a clear intention to verify-later, no matter how much later that verification may actually take place.

This came as a great relief to Mr. Carl Drengenberg who shot his brother Roy first six months ago, but did not use his verify-later options until actually requested to do so by Police. When questioned as to why he had waited until such a late date to verify Carl replied: "Grief, I guess?"

I'm sure we can all feel Carl's grief, just as I know that I feel absolutely awful about little fluffy. But if you think of it, how could your husband even guess that little fluffy would be in the area as he just happened to be testing out the many advanced shooting options of the shoot-first, verify-later car?

He had no way, Dear Valued Customer. As soon suppose that your husband has taken a large insurance policy on your hide through the long-standing and trustworthy Illuminati Ganga Insurance Group (IGIG) and cut the engineering team of the shoot-first, verify-later car in on a piece of the action! :) No, Dear Valued Customer, my advice to you is to forget fluffy, and spend as much time as you can around the shoot-first, verify-later car so as to get over any lingering bad feelings you might have about this terrific piece of equipment.

Remember, I didn't just help build the shoot-first, verify-later car, I use it every day on my way to work!

So long life and unforeseen monetary good fortune to you and yours, Dear Valued Customer.

Thank you,
Blaise Cassidy,
President and Chairman,
Ill. G. Inc.


bryan ::: (view all by) ::: October 07, 2003, 11:31 AM:

Yeah, I remember reading about that Drengenberg case, he shot Roy first six months ago, but then he shot him again after he got out the hospital a three weeks later, is that the one I've thinking of?

Blaise Cassidy ::: (view all by) ::: October 07, 2003, 11:40 AM:

Dear Valued Forum Poster,

I believe you are mistaken, no doubt misled by the fact that the shoot-first, verify-later car was used in both incidents of supposed attempts on Roy Drengenberg's life. What has been typically obscured by left-wing anti-shoot-first technologies media groups when focusing on this case is that the second incident, which was the one that actually cost Roy Drengenberg his life, was an unofficial usage of a hacked shoot-first, verify-later car, so as to run a malicious drive-over quick and leave-the-scene module. Such unofficial modules, without the Illuminati Ganga seal of approval, are in fact illegal under the DMCA and Illuminati Ganga prosecutes said incidents as strenuously as the law which we've paid for allows.

Thank you,
Blaise Cassidy,
President and Chairman,
Ill. G. Inc.

julia ::: (view all by) ::: October 07, 2003, 12:53 PM:

I hear it's ten extra points if you hit a nun.

Arthur D. Hlavaty ::: (view all by) ::: October 07, 2003, 01:28 PM:

I am reminded of a line they got John Wayne to say on Laugh-In
"A man told me to shoot first and ask questions later."
"Did you ask him why?"
"No, I shot him first."

Jeff Crook ::: (view all by) ::: October 07, 2003, 02:41 PM:

the shoot-first, verify-later car that Bush had been steering

If Bush is only steering, who has his (or her) foot on the gas?

Blaise Cassidy ::: (view all by) ::: October 07, 2003, 05:20 PM:

Dear Valued Jeff

You will be pleased to hear that the shoot-first, verify-later car is a partially autonomous, self-accelerating unit, and comes fully equipped with evasive maneuvers!

That's why the President of the United States himself uses a shoot-first, verify-later car because he's not the kind of guy to think about petroleum products in times requiring exchange of gunfire.

The shoot-first, verify-later car is the high-tech solution which has given the President the enviable reputation for straight-shooting, not sticking around for the consequences which he, not to mention the rest of us, enjoys today.

Thank you,
Blaise Cassidy,
President and Chairman,
Ill. G. Inc.

Joy Ralph ::: (view all by) ::: October 07, 2003, 10:40 PM:

There, see - I knew you'd have a reaction, when you'd actually had a moment to react. Glad you're back; glad the workshop went well too.

the talking dog ::: (view all by) ::: October 07, 2003, 10:57 PM:

"So when Plame's husband tried to step in front of the shoot-first, verify-later car that Bush had been steering, it was only a matter of time before the hard-liners tried to flatten Wilson."

Jeez-- given Bush's DUI criminal record, is he still allowed to drive OR shoot?

Besides-- the better bad metaphor is Bush as captain of the Ship of State-- which he has managed to ground by steering right onto... Iraq.

fastback ::: (view all by) ::: October 07, 2003, 11:26 PM:

Blaine,
I'm glad you've come forward to inform the public about your company's shoot first, verify later car. I'd figured it'd be an American product since Bush would only drive American and has proven unable to "steer" a European car with the notable exception of the hard right turn he executed when he ditched Tony's Land Rover. No wonder the French and Germans insist on driving.

Related to the Plame affair, I do have a question about your product. Does it have some sort of pedestrian gun override since apparently the "hard liners" had to "flatten" Wilson. Time's reporting has no mention of a shooting. Does it verify later only after a shooting or does a "flattening" get logged too? It might be our only hope of solving this crime as Bush was apparently asleep at the wheel and the "hard liners" (whoever they are as Time didn't say) aren't talking.

Blaise Cassidy ::: (view all by) ::: October 08, 2003, 04:14 AM:

Dear Valued Fastback,

The shoot first, verify later car, like many technologically advanced products has a devoted following among its user base, some of this user base are the so-called 'hard-liners', depraved hippie-like individuals that feel it is 'groovy' or 'flipped-out' to drive the shoot first, verify later car while shooting heroin, note that officially the shoot first, verify later car does not come with a shooting heroin module.

There is nothing pedestrian about our guns, our guns are the finest, please note our award-winning email campaign "Increase your guns, she'll love you for it."

If this 'Bush' (undoubtedly an alias, as no real man with a shoot first, verify later car would have such a ridiculous patronym) and his gang of 'hard-liners' have indeed flattened anybody then I believe they could only have done so using the illegal malicious drive-over quick and leave-the-scene module mentioned in my previous response to 'Dear Valued Forum Poster'.

These mods are killing our industry, and I hope to see something done about this as soon as possible. Luckily that new boy, 'Mr. President', that we hired seems a real go-getter, who loves his shoot first, verify later car. I have full faith in Dear Valued Mr. President's ability to get to the bottom of any misuse of shoot first, verify later cars by 'hard-liners' and other freaks.

Thank you,
Blaise Cassidy,
President and Chairman,
Ill. G. Inc.

Kip W ::: (view all by) ::: October 08, 2003, 10:13 AM:

God, next thing you know, they'll want us to register our cars, just because of a few shoot-by drivings.

harry ::: (view all by) ::: October 08, 2003, 12:14 PM:

This reminds me of the claim in the British press in the '80s - that the British Government was operating a "shoot to kill" policy.

What else would it be? Shoot to give them a new hairstyle? Shoot to promote sales of underwear?