(there's a sticker to that effect on the dumpster at my work; I often wonder if we'd be better off if someone'd stuck one on Iraq.)

Do not return this product to the place of purchase.

Serving suggestion.

Do not immerse.

(dagburnit, Jen Roth beat me to the happy funball.)

(dagburnit, Steve Buchheit beat me to griping about Jen Roth being first with the happy funball.)

LIGHT FUSE AND GET AWAY.

And during Prohibition: "Warning, do not add water to this product as it is likely to ferment."

If ingested, aim for the head.

Or, do not stop with hands or genitals.

::waves at CaoPaux::

I haven't seen dry-cleaning plastic bags in forever, but isn't there a legend on them which says something like "This bag is not a toy; keep small children away" or something like that?

MKK

* Keep away from fire.

* Inspite of it is non-toxic, it cannot be eaten.

* Never pull out tounge of frog hard, as it might be separated.

* Its content has the oil, so if it touches on cloth, precious object or wall, the stains will remain if you don't care about it.

* Never put on surface of any object, shall keep in polybag.

Do not feed after midnight.

(Seen on the second step of a stepladder...with only three steps! [No doubt it was policy to put that warning on the next-to-last step of all ladders, but sheesh.])

(Seen on "pay on foot" parking garages throughout the United Kingdom. They mean you can get change back, but I find it kind of heartening.)

Avoid contact with the brain, meninges and middle ear.

(Eve: was that last one from a bottle of hibiscrub?)

WARNING!!

* Prythee no sport with stingy or play asperity game. Winding finger have got bloodstream not wallk. Through of peril.
* Tad disport of time grown man tatelage.
* Till the cowcomes home. Wield toys damage, burn-in prythee wind to a close wield.

Warning: the moving sidewalk is coming to an end.

Mind the gap.

(seen on a mysterious door in Oxford Circus tube station)

J: "I am on fire and carrying explosives"

A friend of mine used to practice what he called "ontological activism" by putting stickers on walls, furniture, load-bearing structures etc reading "CAUTION: This object may not exist".

Serving Suggestion
KEEP FROZEN

Not to be taken orally.

Do not use in or near water.

Do not use if seal under bottle cap imprinted with "Sealed for your protection" is broken or missing.

Keep out of reach of children.

Flammable until dry.

Here there be dragons.

Use only in a well-ventilated area.

Shake well before applying.

If swallowed, do not induce vomiting.

We Are Happy To Serve You.

Your results may vary.

Cutting edge is sharp. Avoid Contact.

The characters and situations in this book are entirely imaginary and bear no relation to any real person or actual happening.

Maximum width 100 inches.

In order to be declared a winner, entrants will be required to correctly answer a mathematical skill-testing question.

(I didn't find it before microwaving, though; guess it was too small)

-Do not allow children to operate without supervision

(seen on my table saw; wouldn't want them to operate unsupervised OR supervised, for that matter)

-Microwave and dishwasher safe

-Do not microwave (seen on a metal container)

Software Developer: Oh, the user shouldn't have any reason to change that.

Me: What happens if they do?

SD: They'll probably just get bad results. Or the process won't run, and it'll return a system error.

Me: Why is it here?

SD: In case the user needs to change it for some reason. But I can't imagine why. They probably shouldn't touch it.

My brain (V.O.): So, you defined a constant as a variable, and then exposed it the UI. Good show.

Final documentation:

NOTE: [Company Name] strongly recommends that you do not modify the default tolerance value.

Do not insert in ear canal.

Is there any other object than a Q-tip that basically advises you against using it in the normal way everyone uses it? The closest I can come is my chainsaw, whose manual essentially says (distilled a bit) "If you use this tool you will die."

Based on a true story.

Past performance is no guarantee of future results.

Candy is a treat. Please consume in moderation.

After Meatloaf's "Objects in the Rear View Mirror May Appear Closer Than They Are" was unleashed upon an unsuspecting populace, my brother and I delighted in writing the lyrics to his presumptive follow-up hit, "Object May Have Shifted During Flight."

- the MythBusters

Grrr, argh!

(wrt "plastic bag != toy" warnings, at a farmers' market earlier this year I saw two toddlers who'd gotten hold of some plastic bags behind their mother's back and were happily popping them over their heads like astronaut helmets, giggling as the plastic alternately wafted outward and then suctioned up against their noses. Somehow I never actually thought kids would do that.)

b to the extent permitted by law, unconditionally and irrevocably waive all moral rights which you may have in your Material.

Final documentation:

NOTE: [Company Name] strongly recommends that you do not modify the default tolerance value."

So, $COMPANY shipped software with a control for the sole purpose of producing unexpected failure modes, and the error was compounded by having it accompanied with documentation containing a cryptic warning not to use the control.

Very nice.

But you'll still die if you don't use it, and you won't have had the chance to star in your own slasher flick!

Hold for culture and sensitivity.

Panic values exceeded.

(from the credits of National Treasure.)

The views expressed in this commentary are those of the authors, and are not to be taken as endorsed by the company or companies in question.

There may be Confidential Patient Information contained in this posting. This information should not be forwarded or printed unless it is necessary to meet governmental obligations in accordance with the public health disclosure under Section 164.512(b) (1)(iii) of the HIPAA Privacy Rule.

It's also not a painting of one.

Have you been reading Dies the Fire?

People with heart or back problems and pregnant women should not ride this ride. You must be at least this tall to ride.

"For best results, avoid doing stupid things."

I find it has remarkably wide application.

Let's try again.

This thread Restricted: Under 17 requires accompanying parent or adult guardian. Contains adult material. May include graphic language, violence, sex, nudity and drug use.

(Helene Hanff saw that one in a London square.)

WARNING: This product warps space and time in its vicinity.

CONSUMER ADVISORY: Despite any disclaimers to the contrary, this object contains 99.9999999999% empty space by volume.

Warning: The mass of this object may vary with its velocity relative to the user.

(Also, a few more safety warnings for good measure)

Do not attach to a heavy object, throw it up in the air, and stand under it.

Do not dissolve in acid and inhale the fumes.

Do not try to dissolve Parliament in hydrofluoric acid.

Pas d'abus prolongés sans avis médical.

(Or don't you remember that episode of The Outer Limits?)

Observe cows diligently!

Do not remove this tag under penalty of law.

Please rewind before returning.

Open bottle before drinking.
May irritate eyes.
Do not use as Ice Cream topping.
Do not use for drying pets.

Remove clothing before washing.
Keep away from children.
May contain small parts.
Details inside.

Push this button.
Seat must be facing forward for take-off and landing.
For outdoor use only.
Not to be used as a hedge trimmer.

Do not use while sleeping.
Not suitable for children.
Violators will be prosecuted.
You could be a winner!

Caution--contents flammable.
See serving suggestions.
Not dishwasher safe.
This bag is not a toy.

Thank you. I've been feeling the inner tug to do something with all these, but I haven't had the time (it's Serge and Fragano's fault).

Now I feel better, and you did a better job of it than I would have.

----
* You're 149 as I compose this, but that will change.

Or is that too complicated for you?

There I was, still basking in the glow of being abi's Muse and already she discards me. Fickle youth.

Mind the gap.

Don't go on strike.

Meanwhile:

D-Ring Holds 25% More

(Over a penalty of law is fine.)

Under Maine law, a skier assumes the risk of any injury to person or property resulting from any of the inherent dangers and risks of skiing and may not recover from any ski area operator for any injury resulting from any of the inherent dangers and risks of skiing, including, but not limited to: existing and changing weather conditions; existing and changing snow conditions, such as ice, hardpack, powder, packed powder, corn, crust and slush and cut-up, granular and machine-made snow; surface or subsurface conditions, such as dirt, grass, bare spots, rocks, stumps, trees, forest growth or other natural objects and collisions with such natural objects; lift towers, lights, signs, posts, fences, mazes or enclosures, hydrants, water or air pipes, snowmaking and snow-grooming equipment, marked or lit trail maintenance vehicles and snowmobiles, and other man-made structures or objects; variations in steepness or terrain, whether natural or as a result of slope design, snowmaking or grooming operations, including, but not limited to, ski jumps, roads and catwalks or other terrain modifications; the presence of and collisions with other skiers; and the failure of skiers to ski safely, in control or within their own abilities.

I think the only possibility they left out is failure of the ski equipment itself. Jeebus, that's a long list of not-responsible-for!

If you want full headers, just ask.

"You must bring enough food, water, shelter, and first aid to survive one week in a harsh desert environment. Commercial vending, firearms, fireworks, rockets and all other explosives prohibited. You agree to read and abide by ALL rules in the Survival Guide. You agree to follow federal, state, and local laws.

"This is a LEAVE NO TRACE, Pack it in, Pack it OUT event. You are asked to contribute 2 hours of playa clean up in addition to your own camp before departure..."

"PARTICIPATE"

Do not Fold, Spindle, or Mutilate.

Well....

There's something wicked sitting on my desk,
a pile of essays written in great haste
in language that's quite twisted and grotesque
a violation of all good sense and taste;
now you accuse me, oh how much it stings,
of magically taking all your time,
when you're the one whose pen (or keyboard) sings
in thoughtful, elegant, well-chosen rhyme.
It's not my fault or Serge's, I must say,
that work and family come to intervene,
in your most subtle inditing of a lay
that makes us laugh while being quite serene.
I'm finished now, and worried that you'll curse
my lame invention in much better verse.

http://www.gppsd.ab.ca/macklin/index.html

No, when the rejection letter comes, I post the sonnets here.

Fragano,

Work and family have intervened, but you're the one who suggested I try the Mystic Rite of Sending Stuff Off. I just decided to send stuff off that I haven't posted here first.

And that's a good one. Good flow to it.

Only aids weight loss as part of a calorie-controlled diet.

Willpower required.

The characters you have seen are played by specially trained actors, and for your own safety, do not try to imitate them.

Must end soon.

Running the IP address through one of the cousins of WhoIs confirms that it's an Alberta government IP address (Alberta PWSS, Telecommunications Division). Google has several entries for it on pages with site statistics.

I used to think better of Canadians, as a whole.

(Not exactly a warning or instruction, but I always found it to be a very positive way to call someone a loser. "Don't give up. At least the bottle cap is supporting you.")

Objects in the mirror are closer than they appear.

(I'm sure I'm not the only one who's been hiking in the White Mountains of NH.)

Electrified Track
Danger of Death
Do not trespass on the line
Maximum penalty: £200

(OK, OK, some accents are missing. IIRC, it was in all caps anyway.)

Looking at the quality of Wiki edits (click "diff") done by others sharing MLs young visigoth guests' IP, and seeing that Macklin tops out at 9th grade, I'm guessing 7th graders.

They have discovered french kissing, they're blind to their surroundings*, they haven't yet discovered that their behavior is now capable of long-term consequences (by 10th grade one is very aware of that).

Perhaps they don't yet know (in that innocent way that 2 1/2 year olds also have) that adults are quite capable of tracking down what you've done, especially when you leave cookie crumbs and phone numbers next to the vandalized cookie jar. (My nearly 3 year old niece understands "time out," but still can't quite believe that they're going to happen, until they do. Now, what could a "time out" mean during hockey season, if one unapologetically goes vandalizing other peoples' websites?)

Here's a math question-- In a school with just 800 students and just a few afternoon social studies classes,** how likely is it that more than one person has the name 'lyssa?

* by High School you might just feel shy about talking to interesting people you meet. In Jr. high you don't know that you should want to talk to them.

** per a receptionist. Research is easy when voip calls are $.005/minute, eh?

"Cleans and refreshes without soap or water. [...]

CONTAINS: Water, fragrance & soap."

Remove plastic before eating

Do not touch optical surfaces with bare hands.

Do not look into the laser with remaining eye.

Removing this sticker voids the warranty.

Do not store near organic solvents. Do not store in glass containers. Make sure the fume hood is operational prior to use.

If that's your evening, this is mine.

It's hard to pry the schoolboy from the Wii
Or his admiring sister from the couch
(She likes to watch him play). For me,
To make them move means being Mama Grouch.
But up the stairs and out of clothes they go
Then run and hide, one giggler per bed,
Until the bath is full. It's then, they know,
I'll come and pull the duvet off each head.
The bath is soothing, time to settle down,
Then brushing teeth and choosing one book each.
He fidgets, but she listens with a frown
And wants the book left close within her reach.
A kiss, two kisses, and two hugs goodnight
A last shared smile, and I turn out the light.

(I claim better raw material to work with!)

(from a series of signs my partner was so amused by she stopped to get a picture of the intersection.)

Stand clear of the closing doors.

*waves to Aconite* :)

WARNING
To reduce risk of serious injury, read Safety and Comfort Guide provided with product and at [URL].

"If you can not read or follow the instructions on this card, then for all you know it might be telling you to go fry a weasel."

p.s. Boy, this thread is zooming along.

aka

Light The Blue Touch Paper And Retire

(found on an IKEA ironing board cover. I kid ye not.)

(With the addition of a well-placed comma, this was the title of a 'mellerdrama' at the theater in New Almaden, CA, many years ago.)

(As a .uk citizen I've always wondered what CEO and corporate accountant terrifying activities the US government gets up to if you forget to include that disclaimer)

All our agents are busy right now. Please try later.

Please wait here until your number is called.

(Text taken verbatim. Do not attempt to parse. May cause drowsiness. Not recommended for children. Keep cool. Don't put it in your mouth.)

Thanks,
-V.

(shudder)

Three shall be the the number of the counting.
...
Five is right out.

Life with small children:
tiring but so rewarding,
smiling memory.

Cliché: they grow fast,
so true; but now enjoy them,
love is what matters.

Warning: Contains Language.

Do not ingest if pregnant.

Query: How am I to destroy this communication?

P.

(The only time I've ever bought a product just for the warning labels.)

Do not touch the third rail.

Kernel panic: you should not be seeing this message.

Useless use of void in a void context.

ICY CONDITIONS MAY EXIST
(Then again, they may not. Icy conditions have existential angst.)

DEER NEXT 10 MILES
(We've asked them politely to confine their crossings to the demarcated area.)

(1) Get over it some other way instead.
(2) It's a very low bridge.
(3) Poultry breeder's research institute.
(4) Do not accept hybridisation.

"Please exit other side. It's confusing, I know."

My favorite Reader's Digest story involved some guy writing to the traffic department asking them to move the Deer Crossing sign. Too many deer were being struck by cars at that location, and he thought they should cross somewhere else.

Hard candy can cause choking.

"Detour: Drive Sideways."

"Do not drink the battery acid; it tastes bad and will kill you."

Also:

Actual results may vary.

Shake well before opening.

Part of this complete breakfast.

Wombats next 150 KM.

Fire Danger Extreme.

Always spot-test before applying.

(from the shiny new Uninterruptible Power Supply that came in the mail today)

Wallabies also reasonably pissed off.

Caution: Wide Load.

Watch for Signals.

Do not look into laser beam with remaining eye.

#243: if you say "whoami" after removing the password file or your entry thereto (don't ask how that happens), some old Unixes will answer "Intruder alert!". An acquaintance claims he changed this to "You're nobody until somebody loves you."

Um, in DEC's RT-11, if you say 'help foo', it says 'there is no help available for foo'. If you say 'help me', the response is 'there is no help available for you'.

Keep Door Closed At All Times

Persons climbing this cliff beyond this point have fallen to their death. You Have Been Warned.

(I phoned their Assistant Principal, who seemed like a nice guy. I sent him a complete set of info on the comments.)

Since I was wiping out their comments here as fast as I was spotting them, you get little reaction shots and other artifacts all through the thread, but no indication of what they were reacting to.

Trust me, you didn't want to read it.

While that feature is long gone, the "sudo" command, one of the most useful tools in the modern sysadmin's repertoire, can be configured to come out with a string of insults from the Goon Show if you mistype your password. A very aesthetically satisfying experience.

Teresa: At least they turned out to be authentic spoiled brats, not spammer-simulated faux spoiled brats! There's not much to choose for between them, but there is at least a possibility that kids will learn from experience.

We couldn't afford to buy new.

seen buried at the end of Brokeback Mountain credits.

Computer ports not secured from droid access.

Detention level not secured from wookie attack.

Tractor beam may be remotely disabled.

Shields not designed to repel 1-man fighters.

Exhaust port not protected against torpedos.

Failure to evacuate in "hour of glory" voids warranty.

The information here is not intended as a substitute for medical advice and has not been
evaluated by the FDA.

SLOW CHILDREN AT PLAY

All rights reserved. No part of this document may be reproduced by any means without the written permission of Alchemy Mindworks Inc. No fur-bearing animals were harmed during the creation of this document. Allergy alert: may contain nutmeg, but we doubt it. Return for refund where applicable. Not recommended for persons with sugar-restricted diets. Batteries are included -- best of luck finding them. Proud sponsor of the 1934 penguin olympic games at McMurdo Sound, Antarctica. May cause irritability, sleeplessness or warts after prolonged use. Contents under pressure. BHT added to preserve freshness. Caution: this product has caused some laboratory rats to rip through their cages, fly across the room and brutally murder hundreds of innocent people. Shake well before using. No vacuum tubes or other user-serviceable parts inside. Not to be combined with other radioisotopes except under the advice of a physician. Avoid prolonged exposure to ultraviolet light. The truth is out there. Use no hooks. Not intended for use by children or liberals under the age of five. Printed on unrecycled dead trees and we're proud of it.

Here is their FAQ page, with the various disclaimers interspersed throughout:

http://www.mindworkshop.com/alchemy/faq.html

<eeevil grin>

Hey Teresa, what's the story behind the cow detector?

Sorry, we cannot change.

Ce cendrier vous est offert par la maison.

Spotted on the ash trays of a restaurant in Mexico. The disclaimer was in french only.
I guess it's all about the subtext.

Seen something like at the bottom of all newspaper letter columns, and you know the papers where that's as much of a lie as everything else they print.

FALLING ROCK (Just one. And when it gets its chance, by golly...)

Aaaawwww, Nicole, you bring back fond memories of when I was courting my wife. In 1986, I had flown from Quebec City to the Bay Area to visit her then we drove to Yosemite Park, which we had pretty much to ourselves because it was early Spring. Near a cliff there was one of those signs warning of falling rocks, also showing a human silhouette recoiling from said rock. Someone had added to the sign..

Another bozo dies

I always thought the warning on a claymore should read THIS SIDE towards enemy...

Warning Jet Intake
Do not operate indoors
Produced in a facility processing nuts
Do not open whilst vehicle is moving

and one that always terrifies me:

Oncoming Traffic in Middle of Road

or, alternatively:

In the event of swallowing, do not induce vomiting and call a doctor.

(Fortunately both were not on the same medicine container)

I gotta make sure that the ski industry's lawyers don't ever see that.

[Mac users ... you don't want to know. Truly.]

Never throw sht at an armed man.

This technology is insufficiently advanced.

All questions presented to the Oracle have been painstakingly researched, but the prophecies have not. Querents who are sticklers for the truth should get their own Oracles.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Claymore_mine

I would have, but our Albertan vandals demonstrated it admirably.

Show, don't tell.

FALLING ROCKS
DO NOT STOP

Lex Luthor in the last chapter of serial Atom Man vs Superman.

Consolidate bottles into one bag and X-ray separately to speed screening.

Be prepared. Each time TSA searches a carry-on it slows down the line. Practicing 3-1-1 will ensure a faster and easier checkpoint experience.

3-1-1 is for short trips. If in doubt, put your liquids in checked luggage.

Declare larger liquids. Prescription medications, baby formula and milk are allowed in quantities exceeding three ounces and are not required to be in the zip-top bag. Declare these items for inspection at the checkpoint.

Come early and be patient. Heavy travel volumes and the enhanced security process may mean longer lines at security checkpoints.

Join without twisting.

Use markers to seperate pattern repeats.

Carry unused color loosely.

Do not carry unused color for more than five stitches without securing.

Do not agitate the piece while it is soaking.

Avoid sudden changes in the temperature of the water.

I saw that one with another one of DEC's OSs: RSX, I think. (The folks in Marlboro were sometimes more than a little nuts.)

Concealed entrance. (What, they went to all that trouble hiding their secret base and now you're telling me about it?)

Oncoming vehicles may be in centre of road.

Weak bridge.

Holiday route.

Land Reclamation Scheme. (I had to go past that one on the way to school every day for years -- they were very slow about reclaiming it -- and every day I thought not in the name of the Lords of Gondor, but of the King Elessar, and felt my heart lift just a little.)

Slow: You are entering Trap. (It's a village in Wales. I went there with James Nicoll once.)

Also, in Europe when you get warnings in all languages, it tells you DO NOT and VERBOTEN and NE PAS but in Italian "E Periculoso" -- "It is dangerous" -- advice, not a command. The first time I saw that, on a train from Calais to Paris, I sat daydreaming about how nice Italy must be, and whether I could deduce the modern form of the language from an extensive knowledge of Latin and one sentence about how dangerous it would be to lean out of the window. (Short answer: better than you'd think, but still the subject of much hilarity.)

Don't forget:

Attach new ball of yarn. Working both sides at once, dec 1 st at beg of every 3rd row 4 times then 2 sts every 6th row 7 times. Dec 1 st at end of each row 24 times at the same time.

(Bilingualism in action!)

I was just making up the pattern as an example of my least favorite type of instruction--you know, where they give it all to you and *then* mention you're meant to be doing it all at once, rather than sequentially.

Sounds like a sailing ship's rigging.

SHE: "Do you anticipate any further issues?"

ME (with sarcasm subroutine turned off): "No. If I did, I'd take care of them."

Cross Traffic Ahead

Rough Road Ahead

Use Other Door

Hump.

E pericoloso sporgersi

(the last as pointed out already by Jo at #312; but did you know it is the title of Wendy Cope's parody of Peter Porter in Making Cocoa for Kingsley Amis? Phew, multiple threads now tied together.)

"It is dangerous to lean over."
Right, candle?

(road sign in Scotland - there is a village called Dull)

Serge: "it is dangerous to lean out" is the intention - it's more obvious in context, written underneath the windows of trains.

I don't know if it's still there. It was there 30 years ago. I hope so.

请勿用于洗涤丝质或毛料衣物

Most Chinese warning labels are very polite:
"High-voltage electricity. Please don't touch."
"Please don't use when washing silk or wool garments."

...

Less than 1% insect parts.

[And I had thought the Merritt Parkway was intended for pleasure driving.]

NOT AN EMERGENCY EXIT

Graffiti'd comments beneath:

Ceçi n'est pas une pipe
It's not an asparagus either
That's not funny
I refute it thus! cried Dr J, escaping down the stairwell
Neither a bannister nor a ladder be

(Actually the sign is correct - there's a grill at the 9th floor that stops you from going any further. I have no idea how you're supposed to get out of Robarts in the event of emergency.)

Underneath, someone scrawled, "No!"

I was always amused at the subtle difference in standard announcements -- repeated in both Spanish and English -- at Spanish airports.

English: "Please do not leave baggage unattended."
Spanish: "Rogamos mantengan sus pertenencias controladas en todos momentos." ("We request that you keep your belongings under control at all times.")

See, CMU has this building called Wean Hall, a beautiful example of the concrete-block school of architechture. Anywhere the interior walls are not covered, such as the stairwells, there are these little holes in the concrete slabs; I assume they're to allow for the bit ox expansion and contraction that the walls go through over time with temperature changes and whatnot.

However, the holes are exactly the right size to shove plastic twist-off bottle caps into. If the theory about allowing for expansion is correct, the caps prevent the holes from performing their job. Hence, the signs.

There are also a bunch of exposed pipes in those stairwells. For a while there was a fad for sticking "Ceci n'est pas une pipe" stickers on them.

It was right next to Dorothy (?) Hall. There were several connecting corridors. But the floors didn't match, so you'd go from Wean Hall's 5th floor to something like Dorothy's 1st floor. (It's been eight years, but that's about right.)

Also, sometimes you'd run into robots there. Which led a friend and I to create a crime warning poster alerting students to the danger of robots stealing indian box lunches.

Road sign in western Pennsylvania:

"Distant Volunteer Fire Department" with an arrow pointing off to the right.

If you must visualize, use Claymation.

Doherty.

There were several connecting corridors. But the floors didn't match, so you'd go from Wean Hall's 5th floor to something like Dorothy's 1st floor. (It's been eight years, but that's about right.)

The Doherty team always has a significant advantage in Capture the Flag with Stuff matches. Doherty is so convoluted and weird that even people who are in there regularly can easily get confused; Wean has eight floors of boxy-figure-eight hallways with a couple of short extensions.

"Warning: this water contains hydrogen."

Then she amused herself for hours watching how many guys would come up to the fountain, read the sign, hesitate, and then walk away without drinking. Ah, higher education.

...as long as you're not a kid. Weren't you creeped out a bit by Gumby and Pokey when you were a mere slip of a child?

Gumby and Pokey, hell. I was wigged out by those scary-assed Christmas specials like the one with the elf who pulls the Abominable Snowman's tooth, and the Easter one involving green eggs and time travel.

My favorite part of the Oberlin College campus is a sign in a parking lot that says, "NO PARKING FIRE LANE." Someone took a red marker and wrote, very carefully so you almost don't notice it's not part of the original sign, a P before and a T after LANE, so now it reads "NO PARKING FIRE PLANET." Whoever did that must be absolutely amazing at Scrabble.

Weren't you creeped out a bit by Gumby and Pokey when you were a mere slip of a child?

Um...I don't think I knew anything about them. I have a vague visual image of Gumby, but I still have no idea what Pokey is. Were these television critters? If so, I'm not likely to have been exposed to them.

a) Thanks.

b) Give me five seconds that I may stop blushing like an idiot.

c) It used to be that in case of doubt, typing in google would give me the right answer.

Since we're adding graffiti, I have to quote this one spotted during last year's riots in France, in front of a burnt car: "Vous ne voyez le mal que l'on fait que parce qu'il est déjà en vous".

I was very impressed by this one. Too bad I didn't have a camera.

I don't even dare to try translating it now.

http://www.gumbyworld.com/

"You see only the evil that others do because it already is inside of you."

Thanks. I was going along the lines of "You only see the evil we do because it's already inside of you".

I guess I wasn't that far.

Since we're at possible mis-translation:

"Ne pas gerber."

'gerber'?

The noun 'gerbe' refers to a bundle of, for example, wheat. What was the context of this interdiction you came across? No bundling? Or maybe there's a more slangy meaning, probably crude.

The obvious alternative is eluding me. But neither do I get Teresa's
-ASHTRAY-
--TRASH--

My pattern recognition software must be offline. Of course, it may have something to do with the fact I'm still at work.

"Heating instructions: Warm in the microwave for 30 seconds, place in the toaster oven or wrap in aluminum foil and warm in a 300F oven."

I guess a toaster oven would fit into a regular one, if you took one of the racks out....

363: Alien

And:
-ASHTRAY-
--TRASH--

Inkthay inway Igpay Atinlay.

(It took me a while, too.)

No warrior princesses were harmed in the creation of this blog.

Definitely television critters. Here's a wikipedia link. Art Clokey, the animator who worked on these characters, did a series called Davey and Goliath, sponsored by the Lutheran Church (that and Three Stooges shorts were Sunday mornings for me). When I was ten, I got a tracing kit with a 40 watt bulb, and printed 'cels' of Gumby, Pokey, and various sets and props (for drawing your own adventures!). This was my introduction to the 'light table', and the first step down the road toward 'commercial art'.

Speaking of Claymation... Whatever happened to Will Vinton?

And is it just me or is there something a little oxy-moronic about the Dunkin Donuts commercials that helpfully inform you that "Now you can order your Latte in English"?

I'd find that a bit distracting, Bruce.

Quoth the grammar teacher: Don't be fooled by the first "que." That's the subordinating conjunction. The second one is the other half of the limiting "ne...que" construction.

"You see the evil others do only because it is already in you."

Davey and Goliath have had a revival, too. Here they appear in a Mountain Dew commercial.

For some evil entertainment, here's a link to a Mad TV parody of Davey and Goliath titled 'Davey and Son of Goliath' (ie. Son of Sam).

Will Vinton is still around, although he lost control of and was ousted from the studio he founded. Claymation was a term he trademarked, although it seems to have become a common word. He later worked with foam-based characters (notably, with Eddie Murphy, in The PJs) in a process he called Foamation. His shop did animations of the M&M characters using CGI.

Okay. I feel better now.

For the most part, it involves Davey being a jerk (dissing deaf kid, nosing around shop belonging to inarticulate newcomer, losing his father's skis, vandalizing rest area) and learning better.

Art Clokey is "in good health for his age but no longer makes public appearances," which suggests he may be gently out of it in the way many old men are.

This one bugs me. Stuff that says that almost invariably *doesn't* contain phenylalanine. It contains aspartame, which can be converted by the body into phenylalanine.

In any case, people with PKU need that warning, and...well, can you think of a short, simple way to say that? Right now it's three words (two of them pretty long). You could say "Phenylketonurics: Drink it and die," I suppose.

I guess my point is that it may not be strictly accurate, but it's about as good as it gets, given the constraints involved.

Too funny. Did that actually appear on TV? Hearing Davey say "We got hosed" just made my day.

Now, if you're looking for claymation humor on TV, you could watch Moral Orel on Adult Swim (Link), which is a kind of Davey and Goliath parody. I've only seen a few episodes of it, since it is on after my bedtime, but it is pretty harsh but funny Christian satire.

Moral Orel is good stuff.
So is Robot Chicken.
Aqua Teen Hunger Force has sort of petered out for me.

That's some good twisted fun. And, yes, I agree ATHF has gone downhill.

I often need warning signs which can't be bought retail, and therefore make my own:

Warning: Entering Bovine Zone. Watch where you put your feet.

Reality: Subject to Change Without Notice (that one keeps getting swiped)

Mind Reading Service Is Not Available At This Time

I get tired of other people expecting me to know what they were thinking two weeks earlier.

(The other sign is Doing It Wrong Sixteen Times Is Not Job Security, Because QC Will Kill You After The Fourth Time)

I sit facing a window, and I have a desk lamp (it's a Seasonal Affective Disorder thing). This means that there is a slight reflection even during the brief winter days.

I'll often glance up from my screen and say the name of the person coming up behind me, before turning my chair round. I know it's just reflections, but everyone else thinks it's slightly eldrich.

I am not complaining.

"You see the evil others do only because it is already in you."

The negation/limitation is in the "ne" (in the "ne ... pas", "ne... plus", etc, doublets the second word used to be a facultative defining complement, it is a anomaly of modern french that the "ne" may now sometimes disappear instead of its complement), and the "ne" cannot but be applied on the verb "voir". At least that's how I see it.

When I hear the word "Claymation" my autonomic nervous system requires me to say "Aardman Animation."

Mine cannot but think Douglas TenNapel

And for info, my native language is french (or to be perfectly exact soninke + woolof + french... don't ask me anything on the two former though, like a typicaly caricatural second generation French immigrant, my level is very poor).

I'm trying to find the source from which I'm remembering that note on negation. Not Littré's "Pathologie verbale ou Lésions de certains mots dans le cours de l'usage". I could have sworn though.

I do remember Davey and Goliath. Mostly I remember not liking them and thinking that Sunday morning cartoons were just not up to the Saturday ones.

Oh, and any scene with the Monarch's (ex?) girlfriend, the femme fatale with a voice that sounds like a beefy guy from brooklyn.

Good stuff all around.

I like offbeat animation, but an awful lot of it is nasty garbage I have no patience for. Maybe it's meant to be viewed while stoned, or high on whatever brain chemical makes teen boys nihilistic and resentful.

I hope they do more episodes of the Hawkman spoof. That was brilliant.

I can't comment on the relative quality of ATHF, though, as I lack a Y chromosome. Or maybe I'm too old? Regardless, I do not get it.

For all I know I may be wrong.

I'm not arguing, mind you. I'm just giving my opinion and reasons. I've long renounced making translation my job for obvious reasons.

"You don't see the evil that one does, because it is already in you",

which makes no sense at all. It sounds as though the writer meant something like "We don't see the evil we do, because it is already part of us," but there's something wonky about his or her grammmar. Which is not the case.

Unless you're one of them under another name (that is, a "sockpuppet"), I predict (it's not my site) that you'll be welcome here as long as you're polite.

What's probably hanging you up is the "ne...que" construction. (That's what always gives my students trouble, anyway.) It means "only," and the "ne" part is there to signify that this is formal speech. "L'on" is a literary form of "on," which in this context needs to be translated as "they" or "people." So, "you see the evil that others do only because it is already in you."

Does that make more sense? If not, we should probably take it to email.

Vous ne verrez le mal que l'on fait qu'il ne soit déjà en vous.

Feels a tad arcaich, you more than probably wouldn't ear it, but it's perfectly fitting in written form. Chances are we're violently agreeing. ^_^"

Been toying around with sentences just to see; maybe looking at things in this order will help clarify the whole thing (in the end it may just be a matter of bad appreciation of the english sentence on my part ?):

a) Vous ne prenez la seconde que parce que la première est indisponible.

a') You're only taking the second one because you can't take the first one.

b) Vous ne prenez celle que tout le monde prend que parce l'autre est indisponible

b') You're only taking the one everybody takes because you can't take the other one.

"L'on" is a literary form of "on," which in this context needs to be translated as "they" or "people."

Or "we" (would more likely be "on" than "l'on" for this translation, but quite often you'll hear "l'on" because in context it's easier to pronounce than "on", or because it marks the level of language).

Anyway, I'll stop there. Brought too much thread pollution for too little.

Roger Rabbit is one of the best movies that ever happened, and I will accept no arguments on that.

Er...I mean...we're all entitled to our opinions.

When Who Framed Roger Rabbit was shown at the Dryden Theatre (part of the Eastman House museum) some months back, one of the points made in introductory comments* was that it was produced because Disney had made the decision to revitalize their animation department. It was a challenging project, but short of a fully animated feature film, and it gave them an opportunity to re-organize staff and departments, and to recruit and train new animators. Who Framed Roger Rabbit was released in 1988; The Little Mermaid was released in 1989.

* This is a tradition with films shown at the Dryden. There are always some opening comments about the film, given by students, staff, or sometimes even someone involved with the creation of the film.

In any case, people with PKU need that warning, and...well, can you think of a short, simple way to say that? Right now it's three words (two of them pretty long). You could say "Phenylketonurics: Drink it and die," I suppose.

The standard formulation used over here in the UK is "Contains a source of phenylalenine", which is a few words longer, but is as easy to understand (assuming you know why this is a bad thing) and is accurate.

'Black & Decker shares get hammered'

First thought: Shouldn't they have been drilled?

Snork. Even sheltered lil' ol' me finds that amusing. Undoubtedly unintentional, but still.

For external use only

(two rows down and to the right):

For oral debride (Oral rinse)

Rob Rusick 417: That's kind of really interesting (about the internal Disney stuff, I mean)...do you know where I could find anything else on that, by any chance? It's too bad that's all down the drain now because of style-less computer animation. But of course that's also just my opinion.

I've been meaning to read Who Censored Roger Rabbit for a while now. How's it looking?

I know the contract negotiations were difficult: the final result ended up being that Disney and Warner Bros. characters in any scene had to be of equal rank, with no studio coming out ahead. The effects footage shot for the piano battle between Donald and Daffy is a good example since Frank Marshall said he shot about five more minutes with Daffy using his Clampett era screwball powers against Donald's temper, but Disney decided that the full version had Daffy giving Donald a smackdown so the end of the sequence was cut. It also explains why Tink appears right after Porky closes the film: can't have a Warner's character closing the film funded by Disney!

Oh, and the copyright holder for Felix refused to let him be used because they were working on a 3D animated project that would be much, much better than anything from Amblin and Disney (I think it went straight to video). Felix was snuck in, however: look carefully at the keystone of the entrance to Toontown.

And the director took moderate heat over Wile E. Coyote and the Road Runner appearing in the crowd scene at the end of the film because it takes place a year before their first film. He overrode the continuity people because he wanted those two in his film, dammit, and they were going to be there.

Well, Wikipedia is about as good as anything I have access to. Here is a link to a master page of their articles on Disney theatrical animated features (although Who Framed Roger Rabbit is not included on that page).

Animated Movies used to have a lot of interesting and informative essays, but it apparently hasn't been updated since 2003, and all that seems to remain is a links page (there are a lot of interesting links, but I wouldn't count of them being current). There is a selector at the top of the page (Learn more about the animated movie of your choice...), but all that does is reload the main page into the menu frame. I mention it, because maybe its proprietor will dust it off someday.

Cartoon Brew is an excellent and well-regarded site (frequently updated) about all aspects of animation art.

It's too bad that's all down the drain now because of style-less computer animation. But of course that's also just my opinion.

My understanding is that John Lasseter is championing 2D animation at Disney; check out the wikipedia entry for The Frog Princess.

I've been meaning to read Who Censored Roger Rabbit for a while now. How's it looking?

I liked it. Very different from the movie in plot and feel; more noir and surreal (for instance, when toons talk, you see their word balloons). No mention is made of animated features; the popular toons work in comic strips. Eddie Valiant, Roger Rabbit, Jessica Rabbit, and Baby Herman are the only characters carried over into the movie, and the movie introduced plenty of new characters. I don't imagine if the movie had been made directly from the novel, it would have been as popular, but the novel was enjoyable on its own terms.

Bruce E. Durocher II @432: I'll have to go into the big Animation shelf [..] and check, but I believe the info about Disney doing the animation for Roger Rabbit to get back up to speed may be in error [..]

You're probably right, especially if you have a big Animation shelf :) Too bad, I liked my story; any chance people working with Richard Williams were subsequently recruited by Disney? In my defense, I was telling the story as I heard it.

And the director took moderate heat over Wile E. Coyote and the Road Runner appearing in the crowd scene at the end of the film because it takes place a year before their first film. He overrode the continuity people because he wanted those two in his film, dammit, and they were going to be there.

The excuse given for this was those characters existed as toons in Toontown, before they were first filmed for cartoons.

I have a Black and Decker lawnmower!

Not to suck up Drink

Not to eat Fish or Flesh

Not to claw the Bark of Trees

Not to chase other Men

(on a carton my sister received):
Lamp Oil - Non-flammable

Her comment: "oh, darn, we wanted the flammable kind."

(Products are not guaranteed to be the most dangerous. For entertainment purposes only.)

Rob #434: Oh, I really hope The Frog Princess actually happens. I honestly don't even really like Disney, not even classic Disney, but this total devotion to 3D computer nonsense drives me crazy.

Gonna spend some time looking through all those links...

No, I haven't, though my wife, and her mother, and her brother-in-law are. I was simply reliving pleasant moments from my youth.

The others will be crushed and melted.

You Arizonans are not to be trifled with, eh, Faren?

I did send an email off to the guy who ran the Animated Movies site I mentioned, to see if his essays and reviews were available else. He responded 'unfortunately no', but recommended these sites:

   Animated News
   TAG (The Animation Guild) Blog
   Jim Hill Media

CONSUME
OBEY
BE SILENT
DIE

There is no "here", here.

any chance people working with Richard Williams were subsequently recruited by Disney?

Depends: I can't remember if the production was in the UK where Williams was headquartered, but Disney might have been willing to hire anyone who relocated. The director of The Triplets of Belleville recently commented that one of the best animators on the project has gone into tattooing because he couldn't get enough animation work to live on.

And don't forget Cartoon Brew for current gossip and animation history. Jerry Beck is an outstanding animation historian, and if it wasn't for Cartoon Brew I'd never have learned about Disney's anti-VD film of the 70's. (I haven't seen the menstruation film Disney did, but it sounds a lot less flashy than the anti-VD film. Of course, I'm the wrong gender to have been shown it...)

If you want to see some stuff on Michael Ocelot's spectacular new film (which so far hasn't been picked up for distribution in the USA, to my great regret) look at the website for Azure & Asmar (the site's in French, but you can find your way around), which is the only Flash-heavy site I've ever recommended: the music excerpts from the film are wonderful, and the visuals looks spectacular. Kirikou and the Wild Beasts (once again, the site is in French and the film does not seem to have a distributor in the USA) looks like it'd be pretty good as well: just not as spectacular as Azure & Asmar.

...copied without permission from the closing credits of Episode 103.

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