With all the sanity of a Glenn Beck monologue.

He was eviscerated as neatly as if by Jon Stewart.

A Palinesque completion.

With all the kindness of a Cheney.

The speaker was as unruffled as Obama.

I suppose a new version of 'met your Waterloo' could be 'met your [Iraq|Afghanistan]'

'More tweets than wit' ?

That Microsoft product uses more resources than a Hummer.

As dead as the midlist.

His death leaves us like the NY skyline after 9/11.

MP3s -- the Wal-Mart of music.

((Hey, nobody said they had to be tasteful!))

"If you believe that, I've got some repackaged debt to sell you."

How about "all tweet and no meat"? I'm not sure that's a real simile, though.

As much growth potential as the Republican Party.

Funnier than a triple A CDO.

Broker than Lehman.

Kookier than a creationist on the campaign trail.

Slimier than a mortgage broker in Florida.

As welcome as the swine flu on Ramadan.

Jumpier than Palin's pet Turkey in November.

non ironically, there's "As refreshing as a good drink of water."

“Bonus! More similes for Dick Tracy villains! -
• Easy as chewing milk!
• Easy as shoveling wood!
• Smooth as a baby’s resume!
• Fungible as pie!
• Platitudinous as February 3rd!
• It was just like driving a train to the dentist!
• It was just like putting a rubber band around a lava lite!
• Like sand through the hourglass; these are the days of our lives!”

(Reprinted from The Comics Curmudgeon, July 2, 2008)

As spontaneous as political convention applause.

As compassionate as a Purple Heart Band-aid.

As straight as the Appalachian Trail.

His mind was as broad as his stance.

Inevitable as death and sequels.

It would have been twice as funny with the addition of one crutch.

He's solving the world's problems, one Cheeto at a time.

Satisfying as vegetarian bacon.

As dated as Usenet.

As productive as blogging.

My contribution: X is the PC to Y's Mac.

"as welcome as a fart in a spacesuit"

All the moral clarity and incisive rhetoric of a Republican Governor

All the cogence of Pat Buchanan on race

All the nuance of a Minuteman on meth

As subtle as Iranian election fraud

As trustworthy as a dollar bill is green

(I've been wanting to do something with that for ages.)

As frank as the national media talking about torture.

As solid as an Obama campaign promise.

As honest as a movie studio accountant.

As impressive, in its way, as a wall of laser disks.

A real marksman, provided the target is at the end of his leg.

His brain has a cold solder joint to ground.

That's probably dated already, though.

All the durability of am exotic hadron.

That's a Paris Hilton kind of genius.

There're more pigeons here than cell phone dealers at the mall!

Bill Greenwell once won an Oldie competition for up-to-date proverbs with:

"You can't put a jack in a SCART socket."

That one has stuck to the point that I have started genuinely using it.

A couple of Cheetos short of a position paper.

A few betas short of a release.

As trustworthy as spam.

As reliable as Version 1.0.

As subtle as the Klingon ambassador.

As subtle as a Limbaugh routine.

As subtle as a slasher flick.

As honest as a mortgage broker.

As honest as an Iranian election.

Makes as much sense as a Palin speech.

Safe as houses.

You can take that to the bank.

sea-level property in a global-warming world

as practical as an urban Hummer

the Nigerian spammer business model

the tooth fairy, the Easter bunny, and the paperless office

As dirty as a Hummer. (Have you ever seen a dirty one?)

As quiet as a teenager's ringtone.

As relevant as last week's Wall Street Journal.

He's Exhibit A for what's the matter with Kansas.

As crowded as an unemployment line in Detroit.

As phony as a vegan in a leather jacket.

The job security of a drummer from Spinal Tap.

Not that I'm doing any better, mind you. If I could think of any, I would add them.

Being cynical is more fun, but here are a few for you.

As boundless as the internet.

Excited as a geek with an unlocked iPhone.

Happier than a hobbyist in a Chinese electronics market.

I was as pleased as if missionaries on my walk had left without ringing my bell.

It was like dropping an iPod in the street without any harm.

(It's harder to keep these pithy.)

trenchant as xkcd

Wonderful as "boom de yadda"

"The traffic always moves faster in the other lane."

I'm confused. Jack Sparrow is fairly asexual, but to the extent he's at all susceptible it's to feminine wiles, never masculine ones. At least in the two movies I've seen, while he's certainly not butch by any stretch of the imagination, he's never shown any signs of interest in walking on the wild side, as it were.

I mean, it is Disney.

Jack Harkness, on the other hand, is very butch, very highly sexed, and interested in every vaguely-humanoid being that crosses his path. Gender doesn't much matter to him, but he's far from asexual.

Did you mean these to be opposites?

It's interesting, and it may just be my hyperactive imagination, but I do not see Jack Sparrow as asexual. Although, given that it is Disney, it is mostly implied. And it has been a while since I've seen the movies.

So I see them as being both sexual, but with differing orientations.

Although, to tell you the truth, I was thinking of Harkness when I first wrote the comment (which was meant to be sarcastic) and Jack Sparrow just inserted himself in my consciousness. Johnny Depp does that sometimes.

I guess I was simply as confusing as Sarah Palin talking to Katie Couric.

As cold as Cheney's heart.

If they're giving you up as a lost cause before they even ring the bell... I want to know what's on your porch (or on your door, or in your yard... whatever).

I know someone who came home to find that her apartment had been broken into. The thieves had been into her bedroom and taken a bunch of her jewelry, into the kitchen and taken this and that...but she found everything they'd taken from those rooms just inside the door of the other bedroom.

The other bedroom was in use as a temple. It had an altar to Kali-ji in it, with a size-XL image, offerings, and associated materials. I guess they decided she was not a lady to mess with.

Until you've seen a toilet back up in zero gravity, you don't know what 'ugly' means.

As schizo as the news crawl.

Images of Kali-ji are relatively hard to come by, I'm led to understand. She's not generally considered auspicious to have in your house. I don't have that kind of yard anyway, but someday...man I like that idea. I'd paint the inside of the bathtub blood red, along with Kali-ji's tongue; other than that she'd be coal black except for her necklace of skulls (and her needle-sharp teeth).

As naturally potent as Rush Limbaugh.

Her mouth was filled with broken promises.

"Worth its weight in WoW gold" or maybe "As rich as a Chinese gold farmer". heh.

I was, though, much more taken with the Rastas-in-space...

Serge @ 92: Well, yes... and that's why is really isn't a simile of our times.

Thanks for those. It is harder to make the non-ironic ones pithy.

Dead digital channels, otoh ... look like those 2-d bar code squares--and they move/cycle, sort of like a game of Conway's "Life".

- Dustbuster
- Kirby
- Hoover
- Electrolux
- Dyson
- Shop-Vac

In practice, the only ones that get much actual use are Dustbuster, Hoover, and Shop-Vac.

When I was on the paper in junior high, there was a sort of recurring column/filler called "Can You Imagine...?" It was hilarious stuff like "...Dave Black with No hair?" "...Ricky Martinez standing up straight?" "...Sheryl Cobb not chewing gum?" (I made two of those up.) The fossil record may not bear me out on this, but I like to think I killed the genre, at least for a while, with one (that they printed) that basically said: "...any article that starts with 'Can You Imagine' being funny?"

So that's where I'm at on this. The one about Michael Jackson's funeral struck me as amusing. Another time on the same paper, I ran up against the deadline and turned in one that said

"THE MAD REPEATER STRIKES AGAIN
"The Mad Repeater strikes again and again and again and again and again and again and..."

(swiped from a TV Tropes riff on Australia)