This explains so very much . . .

(The 21st Century really has been making it difficult to distinguish real news from an Onion spoof.)

You know all about sex?
You know all about murder?
You know all about male-bonding?

Oh, Google. Your ability to make this situation even funnier is vast and infinite.

Also, I really want to know what's bonding those males together. Super glue? Tree sap? Cling film? The possibilities are endless.

It could be that what Michael Schwartz is saying is that whenever he gets introspective about sex, he finds himself thinking gay thoughts.

But, really, epic logic fail. As I recall, the majority of pornography available features women and is consumed by men. So unless pornography turns men into lesbians... (I'm sure there's a story idea in there somewhere.)

Serge @ 5:

Rocky Mountain oysters?

Tom Whitmore @ 6:

Boy in grocery store to me: Why do you have long hair?
Me (smiling): Why not?
Boy: But... you're a man.
Embarrassed mother is embarrassed.

Ya think?

If only the right wing believed in science, they could study psychology and stop being so damned transparent.

It's a joke long used by gays to tease straight guys with their own homophobia.

So what he's really saying is that virtually all men and most women are gay. I'd like to visit that world for about two weeks, I must say.

And anyone who thinks eliminating pornography will eliminate masturbation has never been a 14-year-old boy.

I can only conclude that there is an elite cadre of super-straight people working behind the scenes to corrupt the world into homosexuality. No doubt so they can be the only ones breeding and thus begin their thousand year misrule. The image is so vivid -- they stand in the falling condoms waving their flopping silicone scepters, capering in their merkins, lining the marbled halls of commerce with Real Dolls. Everywhere people are entranced by the blue glow of televisions showing images of naked parts and elaborate rope knots, lubricated traffic cones, animated characters inflating beyond all human proportions, macro-photographs of the ends of poles holding up street signs and the exhaust pipes of cars...

"if boys know pornography will make them gay, they'll never touch it"

To be honest, I was more concerned about getting out of the madhouse grocery store than thinking up a good rejoinder, but I'll keep that in mind for next time.

And obviously keeping pornography away from teenagers won't stop masturbation. You have to keep pornography away and feed them Graham crackers.

Zak Jarvis @ 18:

So what you're saying is that there's a secret Straight Agenda running around? We must stop it now for the sake of our children!

Being that I know people in the porno-industrial complex and assuming what Michael Schwartz says is true (and really, what evidence do we really have that he's wrong?), I feel safe in saying that yes -- there is a secret cabal of heterosexual conspirators with vasty powers of libidinous persuasion.

It's quite clear that straight people cannot be trusted.

One that might blow up in your face.

On the other hand, mainstream porn isn't necessarily going to point red-state adolescents in the direction of the kind of sex that would queer them (hence the huge consumption of said porn in red states). But Schwartz can't take that chance.

I think this may be one of the relatively few cases where a wingnut, instead of using "liberal" as a code word for "homosexual and/or jewish", is using "homosexual" as code for "liberal".

You guys have me awfully tempted to take a whack at a pun.

Obviously, it's wrong, but it does make a kind of crazy sense.

Well, you keep beating it.

I'm gonna go look for some sense now.

Long ago and far away, I read that book once, but can't remember if the seafood preference scene was there, or only in the film.

Teresa (#9) Excellent rule of thumb. Often the only thing that makes any sense of some events.

Hmm. So, if The InterNet is for Porn, I guess that confirms it's a vital part of the International Homosexual/Liberal/Jewish Conspiracy. [Damn. Fire alarm. Probably false, but I'll have to shut this down.]

We're too hot for you? (Also, I've never been part of a conspiracy before. Is it fun?)

A short quote from Bill Cosby on the subject of puberty:

And my old man didn't help things either when he kicked the door to my room open and said, "You know, if you keep that up, hair's going to grow on the palm of your hands." He didn't say nothing about the other thing, 'cause he wore glasses.

Oh.

OH.

So not making a full inquiry about one's own desires is the only way to keep one straight? Well this explains much why they call sexually-aware women dykes, regardless of any preferences shown.

The only straight women fit for marriage *would* be one barefoot and ignorant about pregnancy or birth control.

arcus Licinius Crassus: Do you eat oysters?
Antoninus: When I have them, master.
Marcus Licinius Crassus: Do you eat snails?
Antoninus: No, master.
Marcus Licinius Crassus: Do you consider the eating of oysters to be moral and the eating of snails to be immoral?
Antoninus: No, master.
Marcus Licinius Crassus: Of course not. It is all a matter of taste, isn't it?
Antoninus: Yes, master.
Marcus Licinius Crassus: And taste is not the same as appetite, and therefore not a question of morals.
Antoninus: It could be argued so, master.
Marcus Licinius Crassus: My robe, Antoninus. My taste includes both snails and oysters.

Besides, I learned that I liked other guys without the help of porn.

If you're emitting inward, you're doing it wrong.

Or practicing Tantra. No, you don't want to know, trust me.

The wonder is that he'd start out by admitting that. I thought he was going in for a dramatic confession. Or maybe he was?

Teresa has posted about that before. I'm still not quite sure what to make of it, myself.

I loved Patrick's interview with him a few years back, and I thought y'all would like to hear about it.

Then of course, there's the scientific study that confirmed what many already thought.

But nothing that happened when Clinton was President can be counted as right.

Yes, I think there's a certain level of upfuckedness where nothing can be gayer than appearing to enjoy the company of women.

Drebin: "I haven't had this much sex since I was a Boy Scout leader!"

On a certain level I think I understand that logic better.

Being straight means wanting to have sex with women. Ergo, if you enjoy doing anything else with women you must not want to have sex with them, and therefore you must be gay.

Of course maybe the reason I find that more logical is just that there are a lot more straight men who are willing to make it known that they don't think women have any redeeming qualities outside of the bed room, rather than straight (100% STRAIGHT! TOTALLY NOT GAY!!!!!) men who are willing to admit that when they think about sex, pictures of beautiful beautiful boys burst unbidden into their brains.

Which doesn't say much either for gender equality or acceptance of homosexuality in our society.

Time for me to watch the dream sequence fron An American in Paris, especially the part where Gene Kelly and Leslie Caron are quite wrapped around each other, with a fountain's spurt frozen into a stiff ark.

That's a good one. I'm also reminded of the episode of Coupling where whatshisname explains that gay sex is so much easier because you already know how the machinery works.

Judging by some public restrooms I've been in, it was pretty clear that no touching was involved.

ObDancing:

I know that Jon Stewart is supposed to be funny, and most of the linked video was. But showing Tom DeLay looking like a complete prat while dancing, and portraying that as gay behavior from a moral values guy? No. Can we please get over our culture's recent and decidedly strange idea that dancing is unmanly?

I don't think it's that men will be unmanly if they dance; it's that they're of dubious masculinity if they dance _like that._ TDS didn't have to cherry-pick excerpts to get those clips. After a certain number of cliche-gay jazz-hand hip swivels, I started wondering if his choreographer was, unbeknownst to The Hammer, a liberal with a very wicked sense of humor. There were options which were not being fully explored.

(Hmm. That almost sounds like I'm joining in the punwar above.)

Either that or Delay was trying to turn his gay viewers straight. I shouldn't rule out the possibility.

I think that's called patriarchal misogyny, where any sympathy/empathy with women takes away butchness points.

Ah, yes, this is the book I was recalling:
http://www.upress.umn.edu/Books/T/theweleit_male.html

Sorry, I conflated two points in my post; the bit about perception of men dancing in general was tacked on as an annoyed afterthought.

That said, unmanly (which is a huge can of worms that I do not really want to touch in this particular post) and gay are often treated as synonyms.

Looking like an idiot → unmanly; possibly gay.

Dancing (excepting a few styles that may or may not be dancing depending on your definition) → unmanly; quite probably gay.

Looking like an idiot while dancing → looking unmanly and definitely acting gay. Whatever that's supposed to mean. And this is funny, because he's supposed to be a manly man moral values kind of guy.

Maybe I'm just not getting the joke. Maybe it's supposed to be funny in an ironic sort of way. You know, mock him for looking camp gay when, by their own rules, he should be ashamed of appearing that way. After all, all us on this side know that homophobia is bad and wrong, and, besides, we know that real gay people don't act that way anyway. I don't think that's why the audience was laughing, though.

* Yes, I am being ironic in my choice of example.

I see it most often in bad fanfic and fanart. The stuff that gets passed around and laughed and/or shuddered over for years is packed with what TVTropes calls "What Do You Mean It's Not Awesome" and "Author Appeal."

This is called the "I'm so glad I don't like onions because if I liked them I'd eat them and I hate onions" thought pattern.

No.

In other responses:

"You mean, like the way they put a brassiere on the camel? And Lord knows what they've got in mind for the cow!"

"I think this is the XKCD you're looking for."

"Porn turns you gay. Hearing about porn turns you bi. I only ever heard about porn."

...In no particular order.

"And always wear something in bed. It keeps a man interested."
"You always wore your hat."
"Right."

--Nanny Ogg and Granny Weatherwax

Many men have fallen through the sock gap...

Thomas Yager-Madden @ #15: of all the questions one could ask of these stories, this may be the least pertinent - but could possibly distinguish a well-groomed terrapin?

Unstinting use of turtle wax.

Fortunately, if you are an amateur cobbler, you will be able to intercede for their soles.

*the hot ones are, ex hypothesi, mostly conservatives, remember.

But American conservatives are said to believe that Ann Coulter is a good example of what's hot. And since many people think she looks like a man in drag . . .

Well, that's because we know (fact!) that the red states watch much more porn on average than the blue states, so more of them have been turned gay or at least a bit gay, so naturally they would find a man in drag attractive, or a woman who looks like one.

See, the theory all holds together if you just keep smashing it with a rock until it fits.

Maybe it was true. The GOP does seem to be full of them.

* And aren't we supposed to be the ones who have moved beyond equating a woman's value with her physical attractiveness? Coulter's value in the conservative movement (at least for the moment) is quite high, and that can and should be acknowledged without resorting to playground tactics.

Unlike yourself, I'm not generous enough to be able to defend Coulter. I will say that my mockery was primarily directed not at her, but at conservatives whose sexual tastes are perhaps not quite as normal as they would wish everyone to believe.

I suppose it would be appropriate either to stop discussing physical attractiveness altogether, or to start evaluating the hotness of all political celebrities, liberal/conservative, straight/gay, male/female, or other. But I'm not qualified to do that. So I'll stop talking about it now.

Has anyone opened a pool on how many months it'll be until Michael Schwartz is found in bed with a couple of definitely-not-gay twelve year old boys?

The whole projection thing is creeping me out. This time round, I'd rather it was just wet suits.

"... one of the roots from which I drew inspiration in developing the theory of absexuality, the idea that some anti-sex people actually are turned on by the porn, sodomy, and other wild and crazy stuff they purport to hate: that, in fact, this is their sexual orientation. Betty Dodson, my partner Robert, and I sat around trying to figure out what Dworkin and Jesse Helms had in common, and absexuality, in my view, is it. ("Ab" is a Latin prefix meaning "away from"; absexuals push sex away, but they stay in contact with it, always fulminating, unlike garden-variety folks who, when they see sex-related stuff that makes them uncomfortable, simply turn away.)"
- from Carol Queen's website at http://www.carolqueen.com/pages/interviews/Susie-Bright.htm

Serge @ 39: Oh, I am so glad you quoted the snails and oysters bit. I am one hundred percent sure that if Mike had still been here, he would have quoted it immediately.

I'm not defending Coulter; I'm objecting to a societal practice that I find generally objectionable no matter at whom it's directed. Certainly there are enough substantive issues with which to denigrate Coulter -- why should we reinforce a particularly nasty sexual stereotype rather than using them?

If I give the "unattractive = worthless" meme credibility when it's directed at a woman I personally dislike, I lose my own credibility on the subject.

Always remember that Randy Newman, who wrote "You Can Keep Your Hat On", has insisted the song was intended to be a bitingly satirical putdown of the sort of person who would have such a fetish. I never did understand why it bothered him so much.

I think she has adequate looks to get space in the US media, and I suspect they would be worthless without her political views.

(Apart from this weird quirk he was relatively normal and a very nice person.)

Random thoughts:

ObGay: Porn pride!

Lee @17: Seconded.

Also: OMG I'm turning gay and I never knew! All those years of porn is corrupting me! Thank goodness that I now know! (I actually think along these lines about carbs; grrr)