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October 7, 2001

The Flying Moose of Nargothrond
Posted by Teresa at 11:00 PM *

This started when Patrick AIMed me something called Ten Rejected Lord Of The Rings Plot Twists:

1. Balin emerges from the depths of Moria, claiming he “fell asleep in the tub”.

2. Galadriel discovers Pippin singing the praises of a bath while he takes one in her mirror.

3. Boromir uses the ring, saves Gondor, destroys Sauron and becomes a wise and benevolent ruler. Book ends 40 chapters sooner.

4. Orc-slaughter competition between Legolas and Gimli becomes so fierce, they take to killing some of the smaller, uglier men of Gondor.

5. Farmer Giles of Ham shows up at the Pelennor Fields and saves Gandalf’s life.

6. Pippin hits on Eowyn in a dark corner of the Houses of Healing: “The hands of a Hobbit are the hands of a healer too, you know…”

7. In the happy days after the defeat of Sauron, Gimli keeps his promise and visits Mirkwood with Legolas — where they are eaten by giant spiders, whom everyone had forgotten about.

8. Aragorn discovers that he is not, in fact, Elendil’s heir. His older brother Mutt, after having lived with Ghan-Buri-Ghan & Co. for decades, lays claim to the throne after all the “dirty work” is done.

9. Ents and Elves dispute over title of “first-born”. Elrond has Quickbeam made into an armoire; Treebeard grinds Glorfindel into mulch.

10. The Shire, mobilized by Merry and Pippin and now hungry for vengeance, annexes Bree and slaughters “the big folk”.

Special bonus plot twist:

11. Gollum adapts to molten Mt. Doom environment, and later plays a critical role in Fourth Age crisis.

This joyful document is from The Tolkien Crackpot Theories Page, a collection of ingenious arguments that lembas is actually Hostess Twinkies, Tom Bombadil is actually the Witch-King of Angmar, Sauron invented the mobile home, et cetera and so forth. Up one level from there is the Tolkien Sarcasm Page, home to things like the Melkor-Bradley Home Page and the Hunter S. Thompsonesque Saruman’s Diary.

Up one level further, it turns out that all these marvels and wonders reside at The Flying Moose of Nargothrond, website of a fellow named O. Sharp, who appears to work part or full time as a stagehand. Mr. Sharp is also the author of Hamlet and the NeXT Computer and Mr. Potato Head, Defender of the Geologic Ecosystem: The Complete Evolution Of Life On Earth To The Present Day In Four Acts And An Epilogue.

To tie up the last remaining ends, Patrick found the piece he sent me via Vicki Rosenzweig’s admirably concise weblog Yawl.

Some days the web is almost too much fun.

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