"I'm Turok/Spartacus!"

"No, *I'm* Turok/Spartacus!"

Posted August 12, 2002 11:39 PM by Anita Rowland

And what's amazing is, that's not even the dumbest idea they've had. Or did you forget buying advertising space on tombstones to promote Shadowman?

Posted August 13, 2002 12:48 AM by Glenn Hauman

I'm going to refer you to our accounts department now. If you have any further questions, I'm Turok the Dinosaur Hunter, and my extension is 177.

Thanks for calling Pacific Bell.

Posted August 13, 2002 5:33 AM by Christian Claiborn

"The Institute of Science in Marketing"?

As the Continental Op put it:

"I was trying to count the number of lies in those six words, and had reached four, with the promise of more, when the dinosaur I was hunting came through the front door."

Posted August 13, 2002 3:56 PM by John M. Ford

I imagine that one could find unwaged young people willing to take the name "Turok" in Britain. Many probably don't have to explain except to their mates and their parents. "'Ere, don't go calling me `Chalky,' me name's `Turok' no, innit?"

Following your "Tal'Set" link, I discover that he is being urged to "take up the mantle of Turok." I find this confusing, because the characters in the game seem not to have invented fireplaces.

Another character, `The mighty warrior Djunn (pronounced "Junn")...' is a man of few words but too many letters...

Posted August 14, 2002 7:53 AM by Bob Webber

If one is unwaged in Britain, one usually has a UB40 or similar document, and they are fairly particular about the name on those. "Duke of ... Eddinborough. No, it only sounds like that, right? 's' really 'Chaffinch' or summat."

And Djunn (Djunny to his friends) is in fact pronounced "Throatwarbler-Maneating-Mangrove," but by the time he'd finished explaining it his companion had usually been devoured by a carnosaur (pronounced "honker").

Posted August 14, 2002 12:54 PM by John M. Ford

The authorities are indeed very particular about the various not-quite-identity-cards in the UK. It has to be the person's real name, which I construe as meaning that if they've changed it by deed poll to Turok the Dinosaur Hunter, then that is the only name that can legitimately appear as the primary identifier.

My beloved wife would know more, but she's very tired while settling into her new life as a senior civil servant. Sufficiently senior that she's wondering if it's wise for her to publish fripperies by web and zine that might be google-linked with her official persona in the ship of state. But hey, she could solve this at a stroke if only she changed her name to Turok the Dinosaur Hunter. Maybe I'll suggest it. (If you don't hear from me again, I probably did.)

Posted August 14, 2002 5:03 PM by Steven Cain

Thog not want to be Turok.

Posted August 14, 2002 5:37 PM by Simon Shoedecker

"T. T. D. Hunter." Heck, in a world that has "Vin Diesel" (ne9e Mark Vincent) in it, that's pretty darn ordinary. Just think, they could be promoting Crash Bandicoot, Donkey Kong, or Ms. Pac-Man ("-with- the hyphen, thank you very much"). Or Cylert, for that matter.

Teresa, I forget: did Acclaim get Doctor Spektor along with the rest of the Gold Key crowd? I could almost see being him for a year, though I doubt Elise would wear the Indian Princess getup.

Posted August 14, 2002 6:21 PM by John M. Ford

Cylert? There's an idea: Paying you to name yourself after a prescription drug. Or maybe you could name superheroes after drugs -- "Provigil" has a nice ring to it. Can't be worse than the nomenclatural fads that brought us characters named Hazmat and The Eliminator.

Valiant didn't pick up Doctor Spektor from Western. I don't know why, any more than I know why they did pick up Turok, Magnus, and Solar. There were a lot of things about that program that never made sense.

For instance, on some of the titles they did license, Valiant/Acclaim meddled so much with the original characters and premises that you could only identify them because they'd kept their original names. Those were expensive names. Using them meant the books were still under license, and still had to be approved issue-by-issue by Western; and if the revamped versions had turned out to be wildly successful, Valiant still wouldn't have owned them. Talk about betting against yourself!

Posted August 15, 2002 2:09 PM by Teresa Nielsen Hayden

Remember when every genetic or mysterious disease had a Poster Child? Now we have spokespeople.

So is Bob Dole gonna be "Viagra" now?

I could be Cylert. I'm sort of an ADHD poster child, and Cylert sounds like a superhero name. "The adventures of Cylert, King of the...wait, what was he King of? Cylert, the Mighty! ...or whatever."

Posted August 15, 2002 2:15 PM by Christopher Hatton

Want to join up as a team? I've been taking it since the mid-80s.

Posted August 15, 2002 4:56 PM by Teresa Nielsen Hayden

The Cylert Sisters? Sounds more like a 40s girl group...come to think of it, if we combine doses we can probably sing "Abba Dabba Dabba" together--in Latin.

But no, you're right. Cylert to the rescue! Our scene opens with our bowler-hatted (no puns) hero happily surfing the web. Then, a tight closeup: "Oh shit!" he exclaims, and suddenly dashes out of the room.

Cut to a living room interior. Our cat-suited heroine is sprawled, unconscious, on a sofa, half-buried under half-drunk cups of coffee. (We might wonder if she's half-drunk, too, but we know what's really going on.) Our hero rushes in, dashes back and forth a few times, then shakes her gently but firmly.

"Mrs. Nielsen Hayden, we're needed," he says, then adds "and I forgot all about it. Actually we were needed yesterday, but..."

Hey, it could work!

Posted August 15, 2002 5:46 PM by Christopher Hatton

But this scheme does sound like a great way for a disaffected teenager living at home to annoy his parents: "But mum, you told me to get a job!"

Posted August 15, 2002 5:51 PM by Janet Lafler

I've always fancied NasalCrom as a fantasy villain name. And "bioflavonoids" as henchbeings.

Posted August 15, 2002 8:13 PM by Chris Quinones

Hoo boy, great suggestions Chris. I've always wondered what it was about NasalCrom that bothered me. But, Teresa, I *don't* want to know what The Eliminator's superpower is.

MKK

Posted August 16, 2002 2:02 AM by Mary Kay

Relax; his powers aren't what you imagine. For that, you want the Crimson Pigeon.

Posted August 16, 2002 10:15 AM by Teresa Nielsen Hayden

In brightest pub, in downturn bad,
I shall discuss my nom de ad;
Let those who joke ask me knock-knock,
That my reply include "Turok."

-- sorry, Alfie and Julie.

Posted August 16, 2002 12:22 PM by John M. Ford

i

I peered at Medusa
And her eyes petrified me
Into the son of stone.

ii

I took their money
And figured I'd blow it all
Turok all night!

Posted August 16, 2002 2:42 PM by Kip T. Williams

Such joy.

Posted August 16, 2002 8:04 PM by Teresa Nielsen Hayden

"13 Ways of Looking at a Secret Identity", a start:

4

A man and a superman
are one
A man and a superman and a secret identity
are one

Posted August 17, 2002 11:59 AM by Kevin J. Maroney

According to this BBC page, there are 6000 people who haven't thought of Teresa's objections to the plan... http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/technology/2197292.stm

Posted August 17, 2002 3:24 PM by Dorothy Rothschild

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Turok.
Turok who?
Turock da door, ya use da key.

Posted August 18, 2002 12:40 AM by James Macdonald

Turok walk into a bar. Turok Smash!

Posted August 18, 2002 1:01 AM by Erik V. Olson

Turok, or not Turok: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the end to maintain
The name your parents have bestowed upon you,
Or to adopt, against the sense of others,
A video sprite's title? To change: to keep
No jot; and when we keep we also do
Without a modest pile of currency
That could pay the rent. To change, to keep;
To keep another's name: now that's the thing
For when we make such change, who would know us?
When we have filled out papers and filed a fee,
Or had it paid, who'd send us mail?
Who'd know us when they saw our name in print?
The fond parent, the alumni reunion,
The mailing list we joined, and the whole world
We so carefully built up beforehand
Of debts, honors, connexions to our peers,
Commercial accounts, charity requests,
And solicitors for sundry products...

On second thoughts, I'll sign! Give me a pen.
And at the end of a year's vacation,
I might be ready for restoration.

Posted August 18, 2002 10:05 AM by Kip T. Williams

Unfortunately, the "applicants" they are likely to get are bright-eyed young adults who want to get a job in the UK's notorious advertising industry, and who think that they'll stand out/make contacts/etc by taking one for the team in this manner.

Compare the young journalist working on The Sun who was "promoted" to be the National Lottery correspondent on condition that he change his name to "Lenny Lottery".

The poor bastard was later caught drunk driving, and under UK law, if you've been committed of a felony under a name, you can't change that name for five years ....

Posted August 20, 2002 5:46 AM by dsquared