Ber baiting?

That is amazing Jim.

Posted May 10, 2004 2:04 AM by Richard Parker

pure genius.

Posted May 10, 2004 3:10 AM by pericat

That's an impossible act to follow, like unto shoures soote followed by a shower of soot, but, well, here goes anyway:

So let me put it thusly, boss, and youse
Who is the molls and goons and likewise guys
To him who is your leader. You got nix
To keep you outta French guys' speaks and joints,
But some bull from this mouthpiece Pharamond,
"In terram Salicam mulieres ne succedant,"
"No doll can get the goods in Salic land,"
Which neighborhood those Frogs make like what is
The French North Side, which this guy Pharamond,
Pulled out of his own keister, so to speak.
Yet judges bought with their own moolah say
This Salic property is German, like
Up in Detroit and on the Pittsburgh side,
Where Big Chuck having whacked the Saxon gang,
They set up shop and started making gin.
And, since they did not fancy German dolls
(Though I got no such preferences myself)
They made this regulation that no broad
Can wear no pants up in no Salic land.

[Laughter from the nobles.]

-- Harry of Five Points, Act I Scene 2

Posted May 10, 2004 3:40 AM by John M. Ford

Bravo!

Along similar lines, I recommend the Chepe epic my friend Jeff wrote about his roommate.

http://www.io.com/~jlockett/Grist/Poetry/chepe-epic.html

Posted May 10, 2004 9:17 AM by Ginger

Mike, that's worthy of John Myers Myers!

Posted May 10, 2004 10:22 AM by Tom Whitmore

Damn. Somebody needs to read that aloud, and post an mp3 ... if they can keep a straight face :)

Posted May 10, 2004 11:00 AM by xeger

They set up shop and started making gin.
And, since they did not fancy German dolls
(Though I got no such preferences myself)
They made this regulation that no broad
Can wear no pants up in no Salic land.

[copulative gerund] beudaful (wipes away tear)

Posted May 10, 2004 11:35 AM by julia

Thanks, I needed that...

Posted May 10, 2004 11:37 AM by Janet Brennan Croft

As much as I loved Syr Agricoli, I believe I have a felt need for the rest of Harry of Five Points, starting, perhaps, with The Reception of the French Ambassadors.

Posted May 10, 2004 11:40 AM by fidelio

Seconded, fidelio. I want to see the English lesson...

but in the meantime, enjoy The Skinhead Hamlet: http://www.sa.rochester.edu/drama/skinhead.html

Posted May 10, 2004 3:34 PM by Janet Brennan Croft

Ah, The Skinhead Hamlet. I've seen that before, but not online.

Posted May 10, 2004 3:46 PM by Patrick Nielsen Hayden

<falls over helplessly in seat trying not to laugh out loud at work>

---L.

Posted May 10, 2004 4:21 PM by LNHammer

The Skinhead Hamlet is good, but I think I like Pericles, Prince of Tired Plots even better.

Posted May 10, 2004 4:23 PM by fidelio

A remarkably faithful condensation of the original, no? :)

Posted May 10, 2004 4:24 PM by Janet Brennan Croft

Working link for Pericles, Prince of Tired Plots.

Posted May 10, 2004 5:18 PM by James D. Macdonald

And read the comments under Pericles for a link to Romeo & Juliet with marshmallow peeps...

Posted May 10, 2004 5:36 PM by Janet Brennan Croft

I've adored that poem forever! Somewhere on my bookcase is still the well-thumbed booklet that contains it, along with a number of other ... spirited ... works of the same era. It's been many a year since I had the occasion to join a chorus of "The Twa Perverts" or "Roddy McCorley's Moonshine Pub." Ah, those were the days!

Posted May 11, 2004 12:35 PM by BethN

Okay, in response to . . . well, maybe as many as two and a half requests, here is Installment Two of Will "More or Loesser" Shakespeare's classic, "Harry of Five Points." There will, shortly, be an Installment Three, y-clept "A Coupla French Chicks Sittin' Around Talking," but I promise it will be shorter. Some, anyway.

HARRY. Let’s hear the guys what Dolphin-boy has sent.

[Some flunkies take a powder.]

So now we make to parley. On our feet,
Is everybody packin’ proper heat?
We own that joint. They just ain’t got the word.
And if they still don’t, we must bust stuff up,
And run things big, like Barnum tendin’ bar
In big fat France, her racetracks and her numbers,
And maybe we will blow it. Them’s the breaks.
There have been lots of guys we only knew
From all the flowers at their funerals.
And if I get a daisy-patch in France
These Frogs will know that they was right messed with,
And all of Harry’s guys will take the Fifth.

[The Consiglieri slouch in.]

AMBASSADOR. Bonjour, Big Henry. You is lookin’ good.
But I have gotta make things understood:
You wanna sit and listen for a while,
Or shall we settle this back-alley style?

HARRY. What is not messed with, there we do not mess.
Our beer is strong, our judges paid on time,
And every jerk we whack has whacking won.
So lay it on the table from your boss
And what is up his snoot.

AMB. Let’s cut the crap.
You sent a note that him what’s runnin’ France
Should give a wad of territory up
‘Cause Crazy Eddie ran a game there once.
On this, my boss the Dolphin ain’t so keen,
Says that you is a, or is smokin’, dope,
An’ wonders how you got in them long pants.
You risk a grabbing by the wide lapels,
And havin’ your hat handed you real hard.
But hey, he pays his markers. So here is
A bunch of boodle that should square things up,
And put this stupid tsimmis in the bag:
So’s all the gloves stay on. Thusly the swag.

HARRY. What ante, Uncle?

EXETER. Crooked dice, big guy.

HARRY. Dis Dolphin, he’s a stand-up guy, with style.
We thank you muchly, as we like to say.
But tell youse, when we make our come-out roll
On your green felt, we’re gonna hit a streak
That you are gonna pay some vig to fade.
You let him know we got a golden arm,
And he had better hock the silver now
‘Cause Dolphins do not swim too good with sharks.
I guess he heard how we hung out with grinds
And welshers. But, y’know? That marker’s paid.
We sniffed at our joint here, ‘cause of its looks,
But then we saw the second set of books.
But, you know kids. They ain’t got no respect.
And what ain’t theirs, it gets it in the neck.
But you tell Fish-face that my dice are square
As is his noggin, and he can lay odds
When I step up to make my play in France
The way I knot my tie and wear my hat
May make me look a Reuben at the Ritz,
But I got me an open-fronted suit,
And when I hoof it on your bully-vards
You’re gonna think I came from MGM.
And tell the welsher that his lousy dice
Will knock him over like a hick-town bank,
And he may end up short a rib or two
When dem bones roll. For Adas from Decatur
And corners and Big Reds are on the line,
He’ll get the hardways, make a cocked-up toss
And find he’s starin’ at two bloodshot eyes
Till he can grab a boxcar out of town.
But hey, we’ve drawn, but we ain’t seen the flop.
Your boss, he might get lucky. And he might
Get called while holdin’ bupkis. Get my drift?
He’s ponied up his bankroll like a mensch,
So tell him I will cover all of it.
My boys are all dressed up; can’t keep ‘em down
On no damn farm, when they see Paris town.
Now eighty-six these wiseguys. Toodle-oo.
But don’t plug them or nothin’. We is through.

[Ambassadors make tracks.]

EXETER. Cripes, what a buncha patzers.

HARRY. Like the man said, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet.

Posted May 19, 2004 2:49 AM by John M. Ford

I am awestruck. That was a pure delight to read - and in some odd way I enjoyed it more than either of the originals.

It's like listening to one of those crazy remixes where someone has got Public Enemy rapping over the top of Dexy's Midnight Runners and mysteriously, it works.

Posted May 19, 2004 3:22 AM by Steve Taylor

Next up: David Mamet does "Much Ado About Nothing"

BENEDICK: Love me? F***!

Posted May 19, 2004 7:45 AM by Jill Smith

Okay. After this, it's curtains . . . I mean, curtain down.

Rouen. The FRENCH KING'S resort and casino.]

[Here comes ALICE, solus, she thinks.

ALICE. Bon Dieu, achetez-moi un Mercedes-Benz,
Je travaille pour Katy --

[KATHERINE busts in.]

KATHERINE. Alice, tu as ete en Angleterre, et tu parles bien le langage.

ALICE. Un peu, madame.

KATHERINE. Je te prie, m'enseignez; il faut que j'apprenne a parler. Comment appelez-vous le café en Anglais?

ALICE. Le café? Elle est appelee de joint.
.
KATHERINE. De joint. Et les gentilhommes?

ALICE. Les gentilhommes? Ma foi, j'oublie les gentilhommes; mais je me souviendrai. Les gentilhommes? Je pense qu'ils sont appeles de guys; oui, de guys.

KATHERINE. La café, de joint; les gentilhommes, de guys. Je pense queje suis le bon ecolier; j'ai gagne deux mots d'Anglais vitement. Comment appelez-vous le alcool?

ALICE. Le alcool? Nous les appelons de hooch.

KATHERINE. De hooch. Ecoutez; dites-moi si je parle bien: de joint, de guys, et de hooch.

ALICE. C'est bien dit, madame; il est fort bon palaver.

KATHERINE. Dites-moi l'Anglais pour le musique.

ALICE. De boogie-woogie, madame.

KATHERINE. Et le boulevardier?

ALICE. De cheap bastard.

KATHERINE. De cheap bastard. Je m'en fais la repetition de tous les mots que vous m'avez appris des a present.

ALICE. Il est trop difficile, madame, comme je pense.

KATHERINE. Excusez-moi, Alice; ecoutez: d'hand, de fingre, de hooch, d'bookie-wookie, de cheap Bastille.

ALICE. De cheap bastard, madame.

KATHERINE. O Seigneur Dieu, je m'en oublie! De cheap bastard. Comment appelez-vous la danse?

ALICE. De Sharleston-Sharleston, madame.

KATHERINE. De Sharleston-Sharleston. Et le chevalerie?

ALICE. De made guys.

KATHERINE. De made guys. Sans peur et sans reproche?

ALICE. Peut-étre, madame.

KATHERINE. La danse, de Sharleston-Sharleston; le chevalerie, de made guys.

ALICE. Oui. Sauf votre honneur, en verite, vous prononcez les mots aussi droit que les natifs de Brooklyn..

KATHERINE. Je ne doute point d'apprendre, par la grace de Dieu, et en peu de temps.

ALICE. N'avez-vous pas deja oublie ce que je vous ai enseigne?

KATHERINE. Non, je reciterai a vous promptement: de joint, de guys, de pooch --

ALICE. De hooch, madame.

KATHERINE. De hooch, de boogie-woogie, de sheep-bastard.

ALICE. Sauf votre honneur, de cheap bastard.

KATHERINE. Ainsi dis-je; d'cheap bastard, de sharleston-sharleston, et de made guys. Comment appelez-vous les flics et la prison?

ALICE. Les cops, madame; et le joint.

KATHERINE. Le cops et le joint. Mais le joint, c’est le café aussi! O Seigneur Dieu! ils sont mots de son mauvais, corruptible, gros, et impudique, et non pour les dames d'honneur d'user: je ne voudrais prononcer ces mots devant les seigneurs de France pour tout le monde. Foh! le cops et le joint! Neanmoins, je reciterai une autre fois ma lecon ensemble: de joint, de guys, de hooch, de boogie-woogie, de cheap bastard, de Sharleston-Sharleston, de made guys, de cops, d’autre joint.

ALICE. Excellent, madame! Madame c’est prêt á la fête de soir!

KATHERINE. C'est assez pour une fois: allons-nous a Yves Saint Laurent.

Posted May 20, 2004 3:10 AM by John M. Ford

Okay, when one says "laughing out loud" one isn't always, but "sheep bastard" got me. Now I just need to wipe off this silly grin before I head to the faculty meeting! Allons-nous a Yves Saint-Laurent!

Posted May 20, 2004 4:14 PM by Janet Brennan Croft

John M. Ford, you are a genius. But I'm just stating the obvious, to anyone who read those last few...you should rewrite the whole play in Brooklynese Blanks, and send it to Kenneth Branagh. He'd probably film it.

Posted May 20, 2004 4:29 PM by Xopher

There was a 1950's MAD paperback anthology where one article "updated" the Friends, Romans, Countrymen speech into Beatnik-speak. Stuff along the lines of "For Caesar is a real cool cat... and so are they all... real cool cats" etc.

Posted May 20, 2004 4:43 PM by erik nelson

The "I come to lay Caesar out, not to hip you to him" speech is by the utterly brilliant (and, sadly, late) Lord Buckley. It needs properly to be heard (and there's probably a Lord Buckley disc available, or at least THERE OUGHT TO BE), but it was surprisingly easy to googlificate the text:

http://www.columbia.edu/~tdk3/antony.html

I'm not surprised it appeared in MAD in the Fifties -- back then Gaines ran a good deal of material by well-known "outside" people (Bob & Ray, Ernie Kovacs, and so on).

Posted May 20, 2004 5:00 PM by John M. Ford

... and indeed there are such discs, in print and everything; this is on "His Royal Hipness," along with much other cool stuff (though the dimbulb house reviewer at Amazon thinks that "Cabenza de Gasca, the Gasser" is about Vasco da Gama, completely ruining the joke).

Posted May 20, 2004 5:05 PM by John M. Ford

Mike's been a genius for a while, Xopher, have you read any of his books?

Posted May 20, 2004 6:34 PM by Marilee

Not yet.

Posted May 20, 2004 6:47 PM by Xopher

I saw the Skinhead Hamlet ten years ago in talk.bizarre:

http://groups.google.com/groups?selm=16339%40dirac.physics.purdue.edu&output=gplain

Note that even then its origins were obscure.

Posted May 21, 2004 6:49 AM by Rich

Absolutely no offense to you, Mr. Ford... Harry of Five Points is hilarious, but should I be seriously concerned that I find the original Shakespeare easier to read than this Brooklynese Blank Barditry?

Posted May 21, 2004 5:32 PM by Lee Hauser

Dear Ghod, that such wonderments exist in the world...! One who can do justice to Shakespeare and Runyon simultaneously is indeed a person of many capacities and blessedness great.

Shel Silverstein also did a beatnik Hamlet -- I don't have a URL for it right handy, but I know it's out there somewhere (Google doth provide much direction for the misdirected).

And prithee, neglect not _Twisted Tales From Shakespeare_ by Richard Armour. I know not if it is still in print, but 'tis worth finding. (My 10th grade English teacher hooked us on this and on _The Princess Bride_ -- back in the mid 70's.)

Posted May 29, 2004 12:53 AM by ers

Thanks to John Ford for telling us about the Lord Buckley Julius Caesar parody. But no, it's not the same parody that was in MAD.

Posted June 3, 2004 10:13 AM by erik nelson

Thanks to John Ford for telling us about the Lord Buckley Julius Caesar parody. But no, it's not the same parody that was in MAD.

Posted June 3, 2004 10:14 AM by erik nelson

please delete this when they're deleted.

Posted August 2, 2004 1:52 AM by Tom Whitmore: myong, smith, wright all spam