I personally liked Zork and Sappho. And how often does anyone get to type that sentence, I ask?

On the Google-indexed web? Never before.

Are we about due for this contest again, or will we stick to the Guardian entries?

Ever read Philip José Farmer's pastiche of "Tarzan" as written by William Burroughs?

A few years ago, Locus reviewed a small press's anthology, the theme of which was literary figures transplanted into Lovecraft's milieu. I understand that one of the stories was Jeeves & Wooster facing off against Cthulhu. Does anybody have the coordinates of that anthology?

Serge: Well, there's Shadows Over Baker Street, but that's only Lovecraft meets Doyle...

Thanks, Will. I understand that Neil Gaiman won an award for his contribution to that anthology.

God, no, Will, the Grauniad contest was sufficient.

Serge, I don't remember an anthology, but of course the progenitor of the highly exclusive Wodehouse/Lovecraft crossover genre is Peter Cannon's 1994 book Scream for Jeeves. I am not making this up.

Really? Damn. And here I was putting the polish on a quick one I'd just come up with...

The Guardian's contest is open for another eleven hours, more or less.

That was, it, Patrick. I just checked on the internet. Thanks.

Really? Cool!

*emails*

It won't win (which is a shame--did you see the prize list?), but maybe I'll get onto the list. Probably not though.

I'd like to see Lionel Fanthorpe enter, writing in the style of Pel Torro.

"Ever read Philip José Farmer's pastiche of "Tarzan" as written by William Burroughs?"

Is that the one where Tarzan and Doc Savage try to kill each other cause they can't get there immortal juice unless daddy the ripper says so.

I remeber vaguely an introduction stating that Farmer just wanted to show the super heroes can have a penis.

It's been 30 years since I read that Farmer pastiche, so the whole thing is rather hazy, but I'm fairly certain that it didn't have Doc Savage in it. Then again, Michelle, you may be remembering another of Farmer's pastiches. He did a LOT of those around 1975.

Dearest,

I salute you in the name of Him Who Cannot Be Named. I am the former wife of the deceased Albus Dumbledore, Order of Merlin and former Headmaster of Hogwarts, the School of Wizardry.

My husband was recently killed through an unfortunate accident due to the incompetence of the Minister of Magic during a Death Eater attack. After this, the Ministry of Magic has appointed a new Hogwarts Headmaster and seized all Hogwarts funds, including several accounts at Gringotts, the Hogwarts Tuition Fund and the Secret Cache of Slytherin. However, I have managed to remove the sum of thirty million gold gallons

(gal 30.000. 000)

from a treasury inside the Whomping Willow and dispose it in a trust in a neighbouring country. I want to move this money to your account in order to hide it from the Ministry of Magic pending the ultimate victory of Him Who Cannot Be Named.

My daughter Mary Sue Dumbledore will immediately proceed to meet with you and give you all the necessary details. Please send me an owl with your contact information at your earliest convenience.

Sincerely,
Mrs. Miriam Dumbledore a Widow

Zork/Sappho:

To Atthis

Though in Quendor now,
she things of us constantly

and of the life we shared in the Fallen Empire.

She saw you as a goddess,
in the days of Nemesis, Enchanter, Sorcerer,
and above all your dancing gave her deep joy.

Now she shines among Spellbreaker women like
the rose-fingered moon
rising after sundown, erasing all

stars around her, and pouring light equally
across the salt sea
and over densely flowered fields

lucent under dew. Her light spreads
on roses and tender thyme
and the blooming honey-lotus.

Often while she wanders, Wishbringer, she remem-
bers you, gentle Atthis,
and desire eats away at her heart

for us to come.

-- Zorkulated from the Translation by Willis Barnstone

see also:

Chronology of Quendor:
A timetable so colossal, even Lord Dimwit Flathead the Excessive might find it adequate.

"The Great Underground Empire, formerly known as Quendor, is where the Zork series of adventure games take place. I compiled a timetable of the Empire and its history, originally intending it as a continuity aid for writers."

"It hangs together fairly well for a series that began as a plotless dungeon crawl full of random puzzles. Of course, we must ignore some of the original trilogy’s references to the 'real' world. (When did Ramses II rule Quendor?)...."

Isle of Lesbos: Poetry : Historical : Sappho

"YKW summons a tornado and crashes it toward Dumbledore, who dodges. Gosh, there was a lot of spin on that."

I've never read a parody of cricket commentary before, but this is great stuff! And I love the Scooby Doo version. ;)

Well, I must say the Tolkien one is bitterly disappointing. Not in the style at all, besides just being icky unless that's the kind of humor that appeals to you. Surely we can do better than that here...

I'm not going to tell people they can't post their own versions of the death of Dumbledore. That would just be wrong.

The William S./Edgar Rice Burroughs mashup is the short story, "The Jungle Rot Kid on the Nod". The Doc Savage vs. Tarzan novel, featuring a thinly disguised "Doc Caliban" and "Lord Grandrith", if A Feast Unknown.

I could imagine a PJF pastiche for the contest... It could start with a thinly disguised characterization of William S. Burroughs, writing pulp adventures for the dime novels, about the young Lord Grandrith at Hogwarts. When the thin veneer of civilization is stripped away, the young lord must cope with a world far more savage than his jungle home. It would be followed by a series of stories by Grandrith's sidekick Cheta, who becomes a detective in order to track down Dumbledore's murderers, but is hampered by her addiction, as well as everyone thinking she's a chimp.

I wouldn't mind reading the George MacDonald Fraser version either. Flashman at Hogwarts seems like a natural.

Not that this should stop any of you, but the rumors that someone 'takes the big sleep', as Teresa puts it, in HBP are just that - rumors. They were cooked up by lazy journalists who mixed together Rowling's statements about a definite big death in book 5 and her hazier statements that 'there are more deaths ahead' (made, I think, before the publication of book 4).

I'm not saying it isn't likely that Dumbledore will bite it in book 6, just that it doesn't come from the horse's mouth.

(Also, the bookmakers were measuring out coffins for Dumbledore, and Hagrid, before book 5 and we all know how that turned out.)

Thank you, that is all.

Flashman at Hogwarts? Sounds good. Having Malcolm McDowell (who played Flashman way back when) in charge of the school would prove interesting, if his management of the Fantasy Island is any indication.

Chorus:

Cut is the branch that might have grown full straight
And whomped is Ms. Rowling's willow tree
That sometime grew upon the Hogwarts' grounds.
Albus is gone; regard his sticky fate
Impaled upon a bottle tree by elves
By novel's climax, chapter last-but-one.
In romance fiction you'll be in a hearse
If your death makes the hero's plight the worse.

What would Jerry Pournelle's take on Harry Potter be like?

About Dumbledore they were never wrong,
The old masters....

Serge:

"Ave! Ave Dumbledore! And make no mistake, Wizardry builds very good armies indeed. I do know that being bogged down in Azkaban Fortress, Diagon Alley, Godric's Hollow, Grimmauld Place, and Hogsmeade is not proper Imperialism. The proper way for an Empire is to have Legions -- Heavy Armor and Mechanized Infantry Divisions -- that can defeat anyone who seriously challenges it. That includes client states in Durmstrang, Beauxbatons, Hut-on-the-Rock, Knockturn Alley, Malfoy Home, Ministry of Magic, Number 4 Privet Drive, Platform Nine and Three Quarters, Quidditch World Cup Arena, Railview Hotel, Cokeworth, The Burrow, The Riddle House, and so forth. Then use the clients to do the actual police work once the conquest has been made, and only employ the Legions when necessary or when you think it time to blood the troops, and send a few to St. Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries. Feeding a trooper a day to the Death Eaters is not a proper use for Hogwarts troops. Let one of the allies who now wants some of the spoils furnish the MPs."

My source:

Michael Vlahos had an interesting column over on Tech Central Station titled "Military Identity in the Age of Empire." This generated a response by Jerry Pournelle, where he went on about how to run a proper imperium via client states:

"Ave! Ave Caesar! And make no mistake, such builds very good armies indeed. But I am not entirely sure I agree with his Old war/New War analysis, or even understand it all.

I do know that being bogged down in Iraq is not proper Imperialism. The proper way for an Empire is to have Legions -- Heavy Armor and Mechanized Infantry Divisions -- that can defeat anyone who seriously challenges it. That includes client states. Then use the clients to do the actual police work once the conquest has been made, and only employ the Legions when necessary or when you think it time to blood the troops. Feeding a trooper a day to the Iraqis is not a proper use for US troops. Let one of the allies who now wants some of the spoils furnish the MPs."

The death of Dumbledore, in the style of the Gaurdian:

MAJOR WIZERD DIES IN MYSTEROUS ACCIDANT

Howgarts, UK. Ablus Dumbeldoor, the hoodmaster of Howgarts School of Wirazdry and Wicthchraft, died in a misterious accinedt last night. According to Misintry of Magic officails, much of the north towre where Dublemdoor has his office was distingtitrated by a mkagisal labst fo a tyls te ahhe Eh Owh Ton ot eb Deman...

I liked the LeCarre particularly. And the William Carlos Williams made me laugh.

Good one, Jonathan. Now, how about Robert E. Howard?

Kurt Vonnegut: the Death of Dumbledore

This is a novel, and a fantasy at that. However many Harry Potters there are, none of them may be wizards. This story is not to be taken as a responsible guide to the Hogswarts School of Wizards and Witches, if there is such a place, or magic, of which I don't believe because I'm an atheist.

And I'm living to be the oldest man in America, which we stole from the Indians.

And you can count on me smoking at this very moment.

Listen:

I didn't know what magic was when I walked into the Hogswarts School of Wizards and Witches, but when I saw Albus Dumbledore I knew I wanted to
leave it as his kind of wizard. Which isn't to say all of Albus Dumbldore's students aspired to be his kind of wizard. Take, for instance, the quarter of the school that graduated from the Slytherin house.

Which was why they killed him.

And so it goes.

And now, if e'er by chance I choke
When entering the Floo
Or stumble in a darkened hall
Into an angry grue,
Or if I let my tattoo show
And feel the stares of hate,
I weep, for it reminds me so,
Of that old man who we all know--

Whose look was sad, whose breath did slow
Whose beard was like the driven snow,
Whose face was cut 'til bone did show,
With eyes that would no longer glow,
Whose protégé, half-made with woe,
Did rock his body to and fro,
And cursed himself for being slow,
And too late yelling "accio",
Surrounded by that sick green glow,
That summer eve, a week ago,
A-dying at the gate

As the Potions Master sang the last words of the ballad, he gathered up his robes, and turned his broomstick along the corridor by which they had come. "You've only a few yards to go," he said, "down the stairs and into the Great Hall, and then you'll graduate - but you'll stay and see me off first?" he added as Hermione turned with an eager look towards matriculation. "I shan't be long. You'll wait and wave your wand when I get to that turn in the hallway? I think it'll encourage me, you see."

"Of course I'll wait," said Hermione: "and thank you very much for not failing me - and for the song - I liked it very much."

"I hope so," the Potions Master said doubtfully: "but you didn't cry so much as I thought you would."

Flashman at Hogwarts fits almost too well. It really needs someone who's familiar with Tom Brown's School Days.

Heard a paper at a recent Pop Culture on educational systems in Tom Brown & at Hogwarts, with a Flashman reference or two thrown in ... quite good!

Please can we have one in the style of The Book of the New Sun...? "Memory oppresses me. Having been reared among the Dursleys, I never knew my mother and father..."

Infinite thanks for posting about this. I hadn't heard a thing about it!

I just submitted a drabble in the key of Gabriel Garcia Marquez, and had entirely too much fun writing it. I could have kept on like that for hours...

Found this thread with one hour to go before the deadline. Here's what I cobbled together and submitted to the Guardian in that time:

The Death of Dumbledore, by Hilaire Belloc

There was, until not long ago
A wizard everyone should know
Whose deeds were famed both far and wide
Until the very day he died.
His name was known from shore to shore,
And it was Albus Dumbledore.
And still the Chocolate Frog Cards tell
Of his achievements with Flamel
(The oldest wizard then alive).
And Grindelwald, in 'forty-five,
Was likewise vanquished by this man.
(Now top that, Reader, if you can.)
Now Dumbledore had just one flaw:
The whitest beard you ever saw
Adorned his chin, and just to match
His head was crowned with snowy thatch,
And he could never, never bear,
On pain of death, to cut his hair.
When other Hogwarts staff would whine
About this quirk, he would opine:
"I am a wizard, old and wise,
And that is what we look like! Skies
Will fall, ere my kind cut ours short!"
Unfortunately, Voldemort
Was not so hidebound. Nor did he
Let such an opportunity
Slip through his fingers. He devised
A clever spell which utilised
His enemy's hirsute appearance
To expedite his disappearance.
A swarm of scissors he let loose
Devoted to a single use:
They zoomed round Hogwarts everywhere
To cut off everybody's hair.
When Albus saw them, how he ran!
He did not stop to make a plan
But let them chase him hour by hour
Until he reached the highest tower.
And even when he reached the top
The wizard did not dare to stop
And so he fell from such great height
There was no chance he'd be all right.

So now it seems each person here
Will Eat their Death within the year
Unless young Potter and his friends
Can find a way to make amends.

I trust that at least some of you will forgive the cliffhanger aspect of this, but a)I think the burning fuse in such things is always better than the explosion (see Hitchcock), and besides, it was taking too much time and spase

I took stock of the room. It looked like half a dozen angry Cossacks had been through, and after the first hour something had made their horses angry as well.

Hermione had long fled, trailing tattered bits of hessian and dignity, howling like an Ophelia who had finally understood what her father was on about. She would wake with a hangover and a full kettle of remorse, but otherwise intact. I hoped she had a hangover; there were enough unnatural things in this place already.

Snape was backed against the wall, his head shaking. He’d been caught a neat clip across the cheek, and his eye was purpling nicely. His waistcoat had been clawed with all the care of a Limehouse laundrymaid, but his shirt, while missing some buttons, hadn’t been grazed. Regrettable as it was, it was clear that the vile little beast had only meant to teach him a spiritual lesson.

Dumbledore was breathing hard, bracing himself against a wrecked book-case. He looked as though he might give up the ghost at any moment, which I must admit lightened my mood. But there was a tiny light in his eyes that put a chill on the heart.

Potter was apparently still insensible, floating on his back half a yard above the unusable bed like an apprentice fakir. His robe was fluttering oddly, as if something were inside it. It was not an inspiring thought.

All I could see of Weasley was his feet, protruding from beneath an enormous pile of books and oddments. He seemed insensible. As far as I was concerned, he had drawn queens full of aces.

I hadn’t the energy to run, and a cannonball on each ankle wouldn’t have stopped me otherwise.
Dumbledore was speaking. His voice was very different just then: there was steel in it, not sharp but hard, as if a man Dumbledore had been long ago had woken up inside and wanted a say. “Young Mr. Flashman,” he said, “there are many things that we must discuss.”

I saw then what I’d been too stupid to see before. I’d thought he was something like Arnold; not so choleric and a good deal wiser, but still a hypocrite like so many of them. But he wasn’t. Dumbledore believed what he said he believed, and unlike most men who do that, he wasn’t a fool.
I managed, from somewhere deep in my trembling bowels, to say, “Sir, I know that I must be sent down --”

“You know nothing, Flashman, that is the difficulty. There are many faults among the residents at this school that we can, and indeed must, tolerate, and sometimes even encourage. But ignorance is not among them.” He inclined his head a little. My trousers stirred around my ankles and rose to attention, the belt fastening itself with a flourish. I was beginning to regret my actions; of all the jiggery-pokery I’d seen here, this was the first trick I could see a practical use for.

“Yet we are here to remedy ignorance,” the old man went on. I was trying to find the strength to run; I had learned a few of the more private corners of Hogwarts, some of which I had been assured would turn a thunderbolt. Odd what comforts one grabs for at such moments.

“. . . but ignorance cannot be overcome merely by external effort. It requires a strength from the student.” There was something in his look now that was both gentle and hotly, anciently evil. “It requires courage.”

I turned to flee, and tripped over Weasley. Something on the pile that buried him tumbled to the floor and shattered like crystal. Then I heard all the bells of Hogwarts, and there were many of them, begin to ring at once.

In my long life I have seen battle and conflagration, dungeon and plague, and anyone reading these memoirs will doubtless have long ago decided that old Flashy is, to be gentlemanly, a bit of a liar.

But I tell you with the precision of a man caught in a trench watching the enemy's bayonet descend, at that instant all Hell broke loose.

Phil -- somehow I never connected Dumbledore to the Looking Glass land's White Knight, but now it seems obvious.

The Pope versus Hogwarts story is:

Pope disapproves of Harry Potter, letters suggest

BERLIN - Pope Benedict believes the Harry Potter books subtly seduce young readers and "distort Christianity in the soul" before it can develop properly, according to comments attributed to him by a German writer.

Gabriele Kuby, who has written a book called "Harry Potter - Good or Evil," which attacks J.K. Rowling's best selling series about the boy wizard, published extracts from two letters written to her by Benedict in 2003, when he was a cardinal.

Nice, Mike.

John M. Ford:

I take my pastiche hat off to you. No, no, not the Sorting Hat.

Most obvious "I wish I was a Science Fiction Writer" title in Computer literature Dept.:

Do disk drives dream of buffer cache hits?, by Alan Holt, AT&T Network Systems UK

But it's five months too early for the Christmas Game!

Even so, it's pretty cool.

Darn it, Mike, I want to read that book.

I liked the Hunter S. Thompson one, but I'm a fan. The Tolkien one was just WEIRD. Thanks for sharing.

MKK

I should have titled my submission "Slaughterhouse Dumbledore."

May I present for your edification, Someone Dies.

Yes, there probably are "more deaths ahead".

Not that this should stop any of you, but the rumors that someone 'takes the big sleep', as Teresa puts it, in HBP are just that - rumors. They were cooked up by lazy journalists who mixed together Rowling's statements about a definite big death in book 5 and her hazier statements that 'there are more deaths ahead' (made, I think, before the publication of book 4).

I'm not saying it isn't likely that Dumbledore will bite it in book 6, just that it doesn't come from the horse's mouth.

I was very badly disappointed by the last book, which has made me cynical about the entire thing, so you may want to factor that in here. Based on the way the fifth book played out, though, I doubt very much that any of the major faculty (Dumbledore, Hagrid, Snape, McGonagall) will buy it before the end of Book 7, if even then. Killing any of them in the penultimate book would require a significant change in the formula going into the final volume, and I don't think Rowling is willing to do that.

DUMBLEDORE:
I am dead, Harry. Voldemort, adieu!
You that skimmed in such haste to the last page,
That read the spoilers, gambled on my fate,
Had I but time--as Joseph Campbell knew,
The mentor croaks--O! I could exposit--
But let it be. So, Harry, I am dead.
Thou livest. Solve the Riddle on thine own,
And take thine tea with sugar.

HARRY:
his doesn't make ANY SENSE, Headmaster! Why don't you TELL me what to do to beat VOLDEMORT?! You're just going to leave me to DIE!

DUMBLEDORE:
Thou art my student,
Give me the lemon drop, by heaven, I'll have't!
If ever thou didst listen to my lines,
Attend well that I always leave things out,
And save thy melodrama and thy pain
Until book seven.

[Dies.]

SNAPE:
So cracks a senile mind. 'Night, Headmaster,
And exposition shall lie in your grave.

HARRY:
WAH!

[Exeunt.]

What would Jerry Pournelle's take on Harry Potter be like?

Potter would be a reprobate, dope-smoking enviroterrorist, but only a minor character who briefly interfered with the rise of the tragically misunderstood Voldemort.

Mike, Lara, your entries are on the Guardian's list ...

I missed the Guardian deadline by an hour. (Is it 5 hours or 6 hours from London? D'oh!) But I wanted to post this anyway.

Philip Roth and the death of Dumbledore

Everyone in Weequahic knew. When a Jew makes it big like Dumbledore (and growing up, he who must not be named dumbbell Horowitz was a capital J Jew, nickels for Israel in the sleeve of his wizard robe) it doesn’t stay secret even when he changes his name and starts talking like David Niven. Some of our more Zionist neighbors were so angry that this schmuck had betrayed the neighborhood that they put up flags saying, “Muggle and proud.” “Schmucks,” my father would mutter, dropping his wand into his briefcase and stomping off to his train. Sandy and I didn’t have to ask who.

But he was talking about me! I was muggle to the core! I strained and strained at my little wand but I couldn’t get it to rise up, never mind shoot out a shower of sparks. “Try harder,” my mother would yell through the locked door. “Rub it with both hands!”

“Go away,” I begged.

“Sandy shot a whole stream of owls out of his wand, and he’s only six,” she yelled.

Dumbledore-Horowitz laughs. “Smashing anecdote,” he says, in that Niven that impresses the immigrant parents of wizard children. (Who else would spend that kind of tuition money but strivers, layers of guilt trips, failures by birth who put everything on their children? Oh, Sandy went to Hogwart’s.) “Weequahic, you say?”

“You self-hating phony,” I mutter, pull the hidden thing out of my bag and let him have it. It’s a picture of him, with earlocks and a pointy yarmulke, smiling with his silver kaddish wand. I shriek, “What do you think of that, Horowitz?” Whatever spell he’d cast on himself to obliterate his Jewishness lifted, and for one moment there was a spark of recognition. Or maybe that’s how a person looks when they have a massive stroke. I’m no doctor, either.

Hello. I'm a habitual lurker around these parts (Mike and Patrick, you may remember me from the Well), but I thought I'd delurk to contribute to the fun. Because this is a bit long, and probably won't get posted on the Guardian site:

True, nervous, very dreadfully nervous I had been and am, but why will you say that I am mad? It was the scar, I tell you, that hideous mark in the zigzagged shape of a streak of lightning on a cold winter evening. At first the boy showed such promise, such potential, the tangle mop of hair over his curious spectacles, but soon the angst of adolescence and imminent adulthood changed him, and his childish purity gave way to melancholy. No longer was he seen with friends, lank-haired Weasley and lovely Hermione, no longer did the boy take pleasure in the games he’d once enjoyed at leisure, no longer did he wander the grounds of our hollowed ancient school. Instead he moped, instead he brooded, his sense of fun his sadness occluded, until of the smiling, young, fantastic boy there was nothing left at all.

I sensed the change as it deepened, could see it in the scar that creeped as tiny rivulet from his hair down to his brow. When once it had been narrow and light it deepened hue to livid bright, became a furious crimson as if the boy had been besotted with plague. When he scorned the guidance offered, took advice that Severus proffered, when he fell in with evil Malfoy and turned his back on Gryffindor for the ruthless Slytherin code; when he practiced darkest arts though it did not seem to scare his heart then I knew that nothing much more separated the once pure boy from the evil being whose absence of name is whispered about in the dormitories in the small hours of the evening; I knew what must be done.

And so I stole, and so I crept, and so I slunk into the dormitory in the deadened-darkened hours of the morning. There I saw him, and in his sleep he resembled not the monster I knew he had become but rather that precocious young boy who had begun his studies those scant years before.

But fooled again I would not be, and I placed a gentle hand over his nose and mouth, for I knew Voldemort’s mistake was not that he had sought to kill the boy but rather that he had used a spell. I pinched his nostrils with my fingers and covered his lips with my palm, and then I waited, with stern and firm arm, as his body first tried to shake itself free; as the primal, reptilian parts of the teenager’s brain came awake to fight; as his toned, strong arms flailed at my own in desperation; as his eyes sought to discern the source of his asphyxiation. I was grateful for the boy’s astigmatic, myopic haze, for his recognition of his murderer would have broken my old heart.

But finally he calmed, finally he stilled, and finally, after several long minutes during which even the night seemed to have lost its breath, I removed my hand from his face and my body from his room, and when the alarums were raised the following daybreak, I stormed purposefully and stridently into the same room, stared down at the same body, gone cold and stiff with hours of death.

Of course, no one suspected me. When the Weasley patriarch visited upon me, it was in the name of business, not investigation. When delicate Hermione sought me, it was for consolation, not accusation.

But there was the owl, the snow-feathered fowl, who flew from the highest tow’r to perch upon the bust of Pallas just above my chamber door, who would not move no matter my charge, who would not budge no matter my rage. And the silken, sad, uncertain rustling of my purple curtains seemed to echo the breath I’d stolen
from the boy there in his bedroom because there could be no other way. But now you place me under care, you shave my beard and cut my hair, you fix me to this wooden chair to send electricity through my soul, and all because I saved the world from evil it will never know? You call me mad, forget my past, you see this boy but forget the last, but know that I will die knowing that I did not fail Harry Potter like I failed the boy you are still terrified to call by name.

Elspeth was prattling on her empty-headed way as usual, but I was a hundred miles away. The smell of the breakfast sausages had taken me back to my school days at Hogwarts - the musty corridors, roasting fags in front of the Slytherin common-room fire, rolling drunk on butterbeer from pub to pub in Hogsmeade…

I was remembering one particular night. That pious little git James Potter was up in the headmaster's room for a caning - the old hypocrite Dumbledore, I knew very well what they were up to. I'd have been listening to the fun outside the keyhole, but I knew Lucius Malfoy would be hogging the best spot. Besides, I had other fun in mind. The new transformations teacher had slipped me an unmistakable wink, and I was off to her rooms. Ah, in those days Minerva McGonnigle was a sleek young cat, with an imperious tilt to her chin, half come-hither, half damn-your-eyes, with a taste for young lads. And a way with the hairbrush that might have made Lola Montez blush. It didn't last - that jealous sneak Lily found out I was cheating on her and had me sent down. But she kept her hold over Minerva and made her dance to her tune - how else would she have made Head Girl and gotten James away from both Dumbledore and his drinking pals?

But she and James got theirs in the end. Me, I was clever - I'd picked up a few tips from a chap named Gilderoy Lockhart and knew how to show my cavalry whiskers and tight pantaloons to best advantage while having someone else do the dirty work.[1] I'd made a policy of being on the other side of the globe from old Voldemort - China, India, America - while toad-eating long-distance.[2] When he and Dumbledore had their last big dust-up, I was miles away.[3] But I came back out of curiosity for Minerva's investiture as headmistress. There she was, still as regal as ever, with a simpering boy the spitting image of James next to her - that must have been Harry (and I always wondered if Lily had kept some sneaking affection for bluff Harry after all, to give him that name). Still the same tastes in boys, and I wished her well. But down at the end of the table was a new young teacher with the same know-it-all smugness and I-dare-you look - Hermione Granger, someone told me her name was, and I caught her eye [4] …

I came back to some inane question Elspeth was asking about the grandchildren. I had no idea what she wanted, but she giggled with surprised delight as I leered across the breakfast table for her. A rogering among the teacups was just what the morning needed. Life in the old boy yet, eh?

_________
1. See Flashman and the Twelve-Stone Philosopher.
2. Flashman is perhaps being disingenuous here, as other memoirs have detailed encounters with the Death Eaters in Sumatra, Philadelphia, and Saskatoon.
3. This particular packet of Flashman’s memoirs has not yet come to light.
4. Granger is perhaps best known as the author of Hogwarts: A New History. The fact that she knew Flashman may account for some of the more prurient details included about James and Lily Potter, Severus Snape, and Lucius Malfoy.

Ms Croft, those footnotes tripped some synapses. Has anyone seen a Frank Herbert version? Perhaps Dumbledore as Liet Keynes (sp?), Hermoine as Princess Irulan, ...

Apparently, I am hooked on not phonics, but on Shakespeare parody:

SNAPE:
Now is the summer of my sweet content
Made foulest winter by this Potter brat,
And all the peace that drifted 'round this school
In the black bowels of the Forest buried.
And I, that am not shaped for Quidditch play,
I, that am crudely drawn, as in bad anime,
Hair greased, skin sallow, nose so aquiline
That Black barked at me as I passed him by,
Why, I, in this slow, creeping autumn term
Have no delight in teaching Potions work,
Unless to poison first years at their tea,
And then the paperwork would never cease.
And therefore, since I cannot prove a teacher
Or rid myself of all these Gryffindors
I am determined to prove a villain,
And whack that idle bastard Dumbledore.

Luna -- love it! Has Alan Rickman ever played Richard III? He must have -- he's a natural. Of course, the character he played in Galaxy Quest did...

Sir Alexander Dane: I played Richard III.
Fred Kwan: There were five curtain calls.
Sir Alexander Dane: There were five curtain calls. I was an actor once, damn it. Now look at me. Look at me. I won't go out there and say that stupid line one more time.

Alan Rickman played an actor who had played Richard III in "Galaxy Quest", I think.

Everything's better with Alan Rickman. Especially wacky crossover parodies. (For a friend, I once wrote a Harry Potter/West Side Story mashup. I really need help.)

He did Richard in his audition piece for RADA.

Epacris, it's "Liet-Kynes," but your construction has much more interesting crossover possibilities.

"Everything's better with Alan Rickman." Now THERE'S a sig-line...

The WC Williams version was hysterical. I read that poem to my wife at our wedding.

John M: the construction "Keynes-Lite" could also be an interesting one <thinks: I should be thinking of interesting stuff to write, but soon I won't be able to walk thru' here if I don't do some cleaning>

Well now I know what really happens, and my eyes are popping just a bit.

And I wish I could be more specific on this thread about why they're popping.

Eleanor: Eep, no! Continue with your heroic restraint for, oh, another week at least. Because I calculate that's when the library hold list will cycle through and I can get my mitts on it.

And it's a side order of crow for Chad Orzel. A major character does indeed not survive to the final pages, and--if the survivors do what they say they will at the book's conclusion--a significant change in the formula is indeed in the works for number seven.

"Rosebud" is his what?

Sundre: Well, I found a couple of other people to tell, so I can wait. If I said anything else to you now I'd feel like one of those "Now I know how old your children are!" puzzles.

Doug, you summed it up well. My, how they've grown...

Eleanor: That's okay, I'm running away now. Turns out the library got the other half of its copies in and I'll be able to have it tomorrow instead. I thinkI can restrain my curiosity til then, and not rely on others to curtail the impulse to share. Especially since I'm sure it'll hit me too in twenty hours or so.

John M. Ford: "Rosebud" is his what?

And you all will never believe what the Soylent Green is.

And it's a side order of crow for Chad Orzel. A major character does indeed not survive to the final pages, and--if the survivors do what they say they will at the book's conclusion--a significant change in the formula is indeed in the works for number seven.

Good. It's only about two books too late...

I'm about fifty pages in, having taken a break to cook and eat dinner (Kate got first crack at it yesterday). I may or may not comment on my own blog when I finish it.

But whoever it was that called Chapter 2 the biggest "As You Know, Bob" in YA history wasn't far off the mark... Yeesh.

No spoilers, please; at my house I'm way down on the list of Who Gets It next.

JDM - You're not in the solution space for "Who Gets It?" only the main characters are, so you can sleep soundly.

It's just a Harry Potter book, not The Ring!

Here's a side bet for anyone willing to take it: In the final, seventh, so-far unwritten, volume in the series, Harry Potter will pass through the veil (in the Ministry of Magic) to talk with Sirius Black.

Bbbu, tbbq gurbel!

***FCBVYRE JNEAVAT***

V jnf guvaxvat gung Qhzoyrqber naq Fancr unq fjvpurq cynprf.

[decode]

Well, I certainly won't bet against that.

***FCBVYRE JNEAVAT***

Zryvffn, zvpuryyr: V'q org ntnvafg vg--orpnhfr gurer'f ab jnl Ebjyvat jbhyq unir QQ hfvat na Hasbetvinoyr. Nyfb gurer jrer gbb znal aba-Fancbvq fvtaf naq cbegragf ng QQ'f, rez, jryy, lbh xabj.

[decode]

***FCBVYRE JNEAVAT***

Hayrff QQ neenatrq n gevohgr, uvzfrys?
Jung ernyyl znqr zr jbaqre vf gur qvnybthr va "gur Cnvashy gb Ernq Fprar." (cntrf 570-574, rfcrpvnyyl gur obggbz bs cntr 572.)

[decode]

Wnzrf Q. Znpqbanyq:

V yvxr gung vqrn!

**FCBVYRE! FCBVYRE!**

V'z fgvyy vafvfgvat gung Qhzoyrqber naq Fancr unq sryg Qhzoyrqber'f qrngu jnf varivgnoyr, naq frra vg nf na bccbeghavgl gb pbaivapr Ibyqrezbeg bs Fancr'f qhcyvpvgl. Naq vs vg whfg gheaf bhg Fancr jnf rivy, V'yy cebonoyl arire ernq nabgure bs WX Ebjyvat'f obbxf, orpnhfr fur jvyy unir pbzcyrgryl ehvarq bar bs gur guvatf V ybirq nobhg gur frevrf, juvpu jnf Fancr orvat n ubeevoyr, vafhssrenoyr, wrex, ohg fgvyy orvat bar bs gur tbbq thlf.

**RAQ FCBVYRE**Wnzrf Q. Znpqbanyq:

V yvxr gung vqrn!

**FCBVYRE! FCBVYRE!**

V'z fgvyy vafvfgvat gung Qhzoyrqber naq Fancr unq sryg Qhzoyrqber'f qrngu jnf varivgnoyr, naq frra vg nf na bccbeghavgl gb pbaivapr Ibyqrezbeg bs Fancr'f qhcyvpvgl. Naq vs vg whfg gheaf bhg Fancr jnf rivy, V'yy cebonoyl arire ernq nabgure bs WX Ebjyvat'f obbxf, orpnhfr fur jvyy unir pbzcyrgryl ehvarq bar bs gur guvatf V ybirq nobhg gur frevrf, juvpu jnf Fancr orvat n ubeevoyr, vafhssrenoyr, wrex, ohg fgvyy orvat bar bs gur tbbq thlf.

**RAQ FCBVYRE**

[decode]

Melissa: alas, I had to give my mother her book back, so I'm going on general recollection. She wouldn't let me read it twice! *sob*! How unfeeling is that?

Zvpuryyr X: zrgbb zrgbb zrgbb. Fancr'f gur bayl punenpgre jub vagrerfgf zr. (V nyfb unir gb jbaqre vs WXE jvyy rire jevgr nabgure obbx nsgre #7. V trg gur vzcerffvba fur fgbccrq univat sha nobhg guerr obbxf ntb.)

[decode]

Guys, that is not enough spoiler-warning.

I've already heard from one of our regulars here who was really looking forward to this book, doesn't have a copy yet, hates spoilers, and couldn't stop reading fast enough to miss the ones posted here.

I just removed the review excerpt JVP quoted. I'm more than half tempted to ROT-13 subsequent spoilers. If I decide to do that, I'll post a link to a ROT-13 decoder.

As should be obvious, I went with the ROT-13 option. The ROT-13 coder/decoder is here. You copy the scrambled text, paste it into the window on the right, and click where it says "clear". The unscrambled text will appear in the left-hand window.

If anyone wants to post more spoilers, that's fine, as long as they scramble their text first. Just type out the text exactly as you want to post it, copy it to the ROT-13 site's left-hand window, and click where it says "rotate it", and the scrambled text will appear in the right-hand window. Copy that and use it as your post here.

I apologize for not having spotted this problem earlier.

(And yes, JVP, you are in the doghouse. There's no reason to post a spoiler when you could post a link, and less than no reason to post a spoiler when you've already got the link set up.)

I'm sorry. I just assumed that was proper spoiler protocol for the board.

Teresa:

I apologize for insufficient spoiler warning. I was wrong to assume that, after a week, if someone had already started the discussion here, I could, too.

I should stick with the higher standard. For instance, in U.S. Government security, if something classified is divulged to you, you still may not talk about it even after it's been on the front page of the New York Times.

I was rather surprised to hear the opening sentence on NPR, and see spoiler-laden publications almost immediately.

However, you're right, Teresa. If everybody else jumps off the cliff, that doesn't mean that it's okay for me to also jump off.

*** hangs head ***

Okay. Rolled-up newspaper goes back on the shelf.

I feel bad about not saying anything earlier. I'm fairly insensitive to spoilers myself, and it took a distressful piece of e-mail to make me see the problem.

Sorry Teresa,

I tried to change the text color to white, so you couldn't read the text unless you highlighted it, but I forgot that MT doesn't allow that.

Sorry again.

I'm very sorry. I've bookmarked the Decoder Ring site for future reference.

There's also http://www.rot13.com/ which has a less cluttered interface to my eye, for your decoding needs.

Thanks all for ROT'ing the spoilers up above. I've been avoiding this thread until I finished the book.

Spoilers, of course:

Ebjyvat uvagf gung Fancr urfvgngrq orsber gnxvat gur ynfg cneg bs gur Haoernxnoyr Ibj, naq znl abg unir xabja ng gur gvzr gung Qenpb'f zvffvba vaibyirq xvyyvat Qhzoyrqber.

Ur npgrq enfuyl, jvgu qvfnfgrebhf erfhygf, ohg ur zvtug abg unir npghnyyl guebja va jvgu gur Qrngu Rngref. Bapr Qenpb vf fnsr -- shysvyyvat gur svefg gjb cnegf bs gur ibj -- ur znl oht bhg naq tb vagb uvqvat.

Zl thrff: Ur'f tbvat gb chyy n Qnegu Inqre, urycvat Uneel bss Ibyqrzbeg orsber uvzfrys qlvat.

V'z phevbhf jung Ebjyvat vf tbvat gb qb jvgu Qenpb. Gur yvggyr fcvg unf ovggra bss zber guna ur pna purj, naq ur znl fubegyl yrnea gung Fancr naq Evqqyr ner obgu unys-oerrqf.

V'z phevbhf jung . . .

Surely that should be "Freud."

Stefan Jones:
V'z phevbhf jung Ebjyvat vf tbvat gb qb jvgu Qenpb. Gur yvggyr fcvg unf ovggra bss zber guna ur pna purj, naq ur znl fubegyl yrnea gung Fancr naq Evqqyr ner obgu unys-oerrqf.

Zl ubcr vf gung Qenpb vf erqrrzrq. Gung univat gb npghnyyl nggrzcg gb xvyy fbzrbar jnf zber guna ur pbhyq npghnyyl qb. Orpnhfr V guvax vg jbhyq or avpr vs orvat Fylgurea qvqa'g zrna na nhgbzngvp nggenpgvba gb gur Qnex. Fb vg jbhyq or irel avpr vs Fancr naq Qenpb jrer noyr gb frg n arj cnggrea sbe gur Fylgureaf.

V'z ovt vagb erqrzcgvba.

Gubhtu V'z ernyyl abg unccl nobhg gur jubyr qebccvat bhg bs fpubby guvat. Znlor guvatf ner qvssrerag ba gur bgure fvqr bs gur Ngynagvp, ohg qebccvat bhg bs fpubby frrzf yvxr n onq rknzcyr. Fher gurer ner crbcyr jub qebc bhg naq orpbzr znwbe fhpprff fgbevrf, ohg ng yrnfg jurer V nz, gurer ner gur irel ener rkprcgvba.

I think the last mandatory school age in Britain is 16. You take a test then and how you perform determines whether you go on take pre-university courses, go to something like vocational school, or stop altogether. I think.

You do a set of exams called GCSEs at 16. The next two years, you do A-Level exams or a vocational qualification or leave school entirely, but your GCSE results have no bearing on that, it's just personal choice. Your A-Level results determine whether you get into university.

And HP and friends took their OWLs last year and were studying for NEWTs.

--Mary Aileen

Spoilerish speculation:

Ebjyvat unq sha, va Unys-Oybbq Cevapr, fubjvat hf n ybaryl frnfuber, Fancr'f ubhfr va n qvfhfrq vaqhfgevny nern, naq Fyhtjbegu'f grzcbenel qvir.

V jbaqre vs fur unf tbggra n ovg fvpx bs gur fvtugf naq ebhgvarf bs Ubtjnegf, naq vf raguhfrq nobhg Uneel uvggvat gur ebnq va gur ynfg obbx.

Va nal pnfr, A.R.J.G.f naq gur yvxr znl or veeryrinag gb Uneel abj. Uvf pnerre vf uhagvat qbja Ubepehkv naq bssvat Ibyqrzbeg. Lbh qba'g arrq pregvsvpngvba sbe gung.

Vebavpnyyl, gur orfg fbeg bs grnpure sbe gur fxvyyf ur'yy arrq jbhyq or fbzrbar yvxr Fancr.

Decoder: http://members.tripod.com/~BraunzGuy/rot13.htm

Thanks for the info about the British schooling system. That makes me feel a LOT better. Won't keep some American kids from misintrepreting, but, it's not an American book.

Stefan Jones said:
V jbaqre vs fur unf tbggra n ovg fvpx bs gur fvtugf naq ebhgvarf bs Ubtjnegf, naq vf raguhfrq nobhg Uneel uvggvat gur ebnq va gur ynfg obbx.

Gung jnf gur fcrphyngvba gung zl sevraqf ng jbex jrer znxvat. (Juvpu vf jul V rawbl gurfr obbxf fb zhpu. V arire trg gb gnyx nobhg cbchyne phygher guvatf jvgu zl pb-jbexref) Nsgre nyy, gurer jnf irel yvggyr pynffebbz gvzr va obbx 6 naljnl, znl nf jryy zbir pbzcyrgryl njnl sebz gur fpubby.

V'z guvaxvat gung--nffhzvat ur fheivirf--xvyyvat Ibyqrezbeg jbhyq cebonoyl or gur orfg genvavat/dhnyvsvpngvba sbe Qrsrafr bs gur Qnex Negf lbh pbhyq unir, fb ur pbhyq raq hc onpx ng Ubtjbegf nf n grnpure.

Naq Uneel pbhyq raq hc zrrgvat jvgu Fancr sbe zber genvavat--nffhzvat gung Fancr vf fgvyy tbbq. Ohg V svaq gung hayvxryl, sbe n ybg bs ernfbaf.

Decoder: http://www.rot13.com

Speculations...

Fcrphyngvba: Jnf gur cbvfbabhf yvdhvq va gur onfva gung Qhzoyrqber qenax npghnyyl n Ubepehk (gur ybpxrg n erq ureevat)-- naq ur xarj ur jbhyq unir gb qvr gb qrfgebl vg (V zrna, vs V jnf Ibyqrzbeg, V'q znxr vg irel rkcrafvir fbzrubj gb qrfgebl zl Ubepehkvv)? Vs Znysbl xvyyrq Qhzoyrqber jbhyq ur gura or rira zber inyhnoyr gb Ibyqrzbeg, creuncf nf na vaabprag jub whfg znqr uvf svefg xvyy? Vs fb, gura Fancr znl unir orra qbvat gjb irel rffragvny guvatf ol ceriragvat Znysbl sebz xvyyvat Qhzoyrqber naq qbvat vg uvzfrys. Fb jurer qvq Fancr tb jvgu Znysbl? Gurer'f na vagrerfgvat dhrfgvba...

Decoder: http://www.rot13.com

Non-spoiler question here:

I know a few years ago there was a mini-controversy about the Americanization of the HP books on this side of the pond. I would like to have all of them in hardcover, but fussbudget that I am, would prefer to have them as close to the original as possible. Getting them from the UK, even used, is a little expensive what with our lousy exchange rate and shipping fees. I see the Canadian editions were also published by Bloomsbury and the first book retains the "Philosopher's Stone" title. Does anyone know if the Canadian editions were similarly changed, or are they the same as the UK editions?

From all I've heard, the Canadian (and Australian) editions parallel the Brit, not the US.

Nerdycellist: I don't know if it's an option for you, but amazon.co.uk is a great option:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0747575452/ref=pd_bxgy_text_2_cp/202-2352105-3087857

These are the "adult" hardcover editions (no, not slash), with really cool design; it's about $100 for the set of five because of the exchange, but $20 per isn't a terrible price at all, I don't think. It's about what you'd pay in most places here, really.

I once heard an interesting, wish-fullfilmentish description of the differences between the U.K. and American versions of _Harry Potter and the [Philosopher's|Sorceror's] Stone_.

As my friends and I were filing out of a theatrical showing of the first Harry Potter film, a curly-haired middle-aged lady in what might be called new-agey clothing -- borderline convention garb -- enthusiastically talked with some kids in the row behind hers.

She confidently told them that the British versions of the book contained much more detail on the magic spells that Hogwarts students learned in the course of the story, and that Scholastic removed these instructions out of fear of a boycott by fundamentalists.

Well, when I was working at the B&N in WI, we did get the odd (in all senses of the word) fundie customer who would bitch about HP, one going so far as to announce to anyone who would listen that "Harry Potter opens the door to Satan in your home!" (as well as one memorable screed from a wholly different fundie customer about the "Strega Nona" books.) New Age lady sounds like she's the flip side of that coin.

Thanks for the info - Even with the lousy exchange rate and overseas shipping, the box-set-plus-1 is cheaper from the UK by about $1.00. I will be getting the "kids" cover though, since I have read all books with US kiddie covers with no embarrassment.

Spoiler-full speculation:

Jura Fvevhf qvrq, V pbhyqa'g npprcg vg, orpnhfr Ebjyvat qvqa'g npghnyyl fubj uvz qvr. Gurer jnf ab obql, ur whfg "cnffrq guebhtu gur irvy," jungrire gung zrnaf. Fb vg jnf rnfl gb vzntvar uvz pbzvat onpx riraghnyyl.

Ohg jvgu Qhzoyrqber, abg bayl jnf gur obql yrsg, gurer jnf n shareny! Jvgu n cler! Lrf, V pevrq. V ybir gur penml byq jvmneq. Ng guvf cbvag, gubhtu, vg jbhyq or pbeal vs Ebjyvat oevatf uvz onpx. Jura Tnaqnys erghearq, vg jnf ernfbanoyr orpnhfr ur jnf n Znvn naq na Vfgnev, naq guhf n jubyr qvssrerag xvaq bs orvat. Ohg nf sne nf jr xabj Qhzoyrqber vf uhzna, naq ur unf gnxra gur ybat fyrrc.

Gung orvat fnvq, va gur rneyl obbxf, gur ernfba gung Uneel jnf vzzhar gb Ibyqrzbeg'f qrngu fcryy jnf gung uvf zbgure unq qvrq gb cebgrpg uvz. Ibyqrzbeg pbhyqa'g rira gbhpu Uneel nsgre gung. Gura gur rivy qhqr ahyyvsvrq guvf ol hfvat Uneel'f oybbq va gur fcryy gb oevat Ibyqrzbeg onpx. Fb abj... qvqa'g Qhzoyrqber va rssrpg qvr gb fnir Uneel'f yvsr? Qhzoyrqber rafherq gung gur Qrngu Rngref jbhyqa'g frr Uneel. Naq ur fubg Uneel n cnenylmvat fcryy fb gung Uneel jbhyq erznva uvqqra. Ur pbhyq fb rnfvyl unir hfrq gung gvzr gb qrsraq uvzfrys sebz Qenpb.

Naq fb V guvax gung jura Uneel svanyyl snprf Ibyqrzbeg va Obbx 7, guvf jvyy or cneg bs Qhzoyrqber'f yrtnpl. Gubhtu Ibyqrzbeg jvyy unir nyy gur rkcrevrapr va qnex zntvp, Uneel jvyy unir gur cebgrpgvba bs Qhzoyrqber'f fnpevsvpr.

Favss.

Decode at http://www.rot13.com

Okay, now I can tell you what I was being mysterious about up-thread:

Va zl pbzcrgvgvba ragel, V unq Qhzoyrqber qvr ol snyyvat bss gur gnyyrfg gbjre ng Ubtjnegf - juvpu vf gur Nfgebabzl gbjre, nppbeqvat gb gur UC Yrkvpba naq ahzrebhf ersreraprf va gur obbxf. Naq va obbx fvk, Qhzoyrqber ernyyl qbrf snyy bss gur Nfgebabzl Gbjre. Nqzvggrqyl, ur vfa'g orvat punfrq ol n fjnez bs uhatel fpvffbef ng gur gvzr, ohg V arire fnvq zl gnyrag sbe cebcurpl jnf cresrpg.

Anapl Fgbhssre jbhyq cebonoyl rapbhentr zr gb fhr. Be rapbhentr Ebjyvat gb fhr zr sbe yrnxvat gur cybg orsber choyvpngvba qnl. V zhfg unir unq vyyrtny npprff gb na rneyl pbcl, evtug?

Decode at rot13.com.

The thing I wonder about for the next book:

(spoilers)

Gurer'f 6 zber ubepehkrf gb tb -- ubj jvyy WXE svg gung nyy vagb bar obbx cyhf xvyy Ibyqvr?

Naq hcguernq fbzrbar cbvagrq bhg gung Qhzoyrqber unq fnpesvpvrq uvzfrys -- V nterr, ohg abg sbe Uneel. Ur fnpevsvprq uvzfrys sbe Znysbl. Gung jnf njrfbzr, hapbaqvgvbany ybir sbe fbzrbar.

Naq Fancr cebonoyl frrf uvzfrys va Znysbl naq jnagf gb fnir uvz nyfb. Ohg V guvax ur unq gubhtug gurl'q or noyr gb qb vg jvgubhg xvyyvat QQ.

decoder: http://www.rot13.com/index.php

Nerdycellist: Oh, I hadn't meant to imply embarrassment about the different covers; I've read all the "child" versions myself. Own them all. But I'm going to sell them, and buy the "adult" ones, just because I think they look cooler. Mileage, etc., of course.

The following comments would be considered spoilers. Which should be obvious, since you can't read it without the decoder thing. Which I'm not sure is even possible, because I don't understand rot13. But I don't understand a lot of things. Like marmalade.

Anyway...

Jung V cnegvphyneyl yvxrq vf gur zvfqverpgvba; V'q unir gb erernq, ohg V gubhtug Qenpb'f gnfx, gur ragver obbx, jnf gb xvyy Uneel. Ohg vg frrzf gung ur jnf ernyyl nsgre Qhzoyrqber. Naq V jbaqre jul. Jul jbhyq Ibyqrzbeg chg uvture cevbevgl ba Qhzoyrqber'f urnq guna ba Uneel'f?

Jung'f nyfb shaal vf gung V'z fb hfrq gb guvaxvat bs Fancr nf whfg na neebtnag cevpx gung V pna'g lrg fvzcyl qvfzvff uvz nf n zheqrere. Rira univat jvgarffrq vg, V fgvyy guvax gurer ner zbgvingvbaf gurer gung jr'er abg frrvat. Juvpu vf abguvat yrff guna n gevohgr gb Ebjyvat'f fxvyy va punenpgre qrirybczrag. Bu, ubj V'ir jnagrq gb ybir Fancr.

Bs pbhefr, gung znl or cnegyl orpnhfr Fancr vf Nyna Evpxzna. V whfg pna'g oryvrir Nyna Evpxzna vf n onq thl. Ab znggre jung Oehpr Jvyyvf fnlf.

mayakda:

Gurer'f 6 zber ubepehkrf gb tb -- ubj jvyy WXE svg gung nyy vagb bar obbx cyhf xvyy Ibyqvr?

Sne srjre guna fvk:
Qhzoyrqber qrpbzzvfvbarq bar,
Gur bar Uneel naq Qhzoyrqber tbg jnf nyernql gnxra bhg,
Bar cvrpr bs gur fbhy zhfg erznva va Ibyqrzbag,
Gung yrnirf n znkvzhz bs sbhe erznvavat, nffhzvat gung ENO unfa'g tbggra gb fbzr bguref.

V nterr nobhg Fancr gelvat gb fnir Znysbl. V ubcr gung orgjrra Qhzoyrqber naq Fancr gurl npghnyyl znantr gb qb fb. Gung jbhyq znxr zr irel unccl.

Will Entrekin:
V nofbyhgryl ershfr gb oryvrir gung Fancr jnf npgvat nf n onq thl. (Naq vg unf abguvat gb qb jvgu Nyna Evpxzna, nf V unira'g jngpurq gur zbivrf.) V nterr jvgu znlnxqn, gung Qhzoyrqber naq Fancr jrer npgvat gb fnir Znysbl, naq guvf jnf gur bayl guvat gurl pbhyq qb gb fnir uvz.

Decode at http://www.rot13.com

Jung nobhg Gbz Evqqyr'f qvnel, juvpu Qhzoyrqber gubhtug jnf nyfb n ubepehk?

Big spoilers and wild speculation for volume 7:

Lrf, gurer ner 4 Ubepehkrf erznvavat; V oryvrir iby 6 zragvbaf gur pbhag fbzrjurer. ENO (Erthyhf Oynpx, creuncf?) tbg gur ybpxrg, Qhzoyrqber tbg gur evat, naq Uneel qrfgeblrq gur wbheany.

Ubjrire... guvf vf abg zl fcrphyngvba - V ernq vg ba n sna cntr, ohg vg nofbyhgryl znxrf frafr jura lbh guvax nobhg vg - Uneel uvzfrys vf nyzbfg pregnvayl gur 7gu Ubepehk, nppvqragnyyl perngrq ol Ibyqrzbeg.

Uvf zlfgrevbhf cbjre jnf perngrq ol Ibyqrzbeg'f zheqre bs uvf cneragf, nf jr abj xabj vf erdhverq sbe n Ubepehk; vg yrsg gur vasnzbhf yvtugavat obyg znex ba uvz; naq jr unir yrnearq orsber gung uvf naq Ibyqrzbeg'f fbhyf ner gvrq gbtrgure, va gung sbe n juvyr ur unq "uvagf" bs Ibyqrzbeg'f gubhtugf naq npgvbaf. Vg svgf gur uvagf bs gur cebcurpl gbb. Jr nyfb xabj sebz gur zrzbel ur ergevrirq gung Ibyqrzbeg jnf fcrphyngvat rira nf n lbhgu ba gur havdhr zntvpny erfhygf eryrnfrq ol perngvat 7 Ubepehkrf. Vg nyy unatf gbtrgure, naq vg jvyy nyfb cerfrag n erny punyyratr sbe Uneel va gur svany abiry - gb qrny jvgu gur snpg gung ur vf ubfgvat Ibyqrzbeg'f ynfg sentzrag bs fbhy.

Nz V gur bayl bar?

Gur guvat gung'f obgurerq zr zbfg vf gung fb sne, gur bayl ernfba Uneel unfa'g hfrq na hasbetvirnoyr phefr vf gung vg'f orra oybpxrq.

Ebjyvat vf gernqvat n irel svar yvar jura fur svefg qrcvpgf fbzrguvat nf hacneqbanoyl rivy, gura unf ure ureb gel gb qb vg -- nygubhtu jvgu gur cebibpngvba fur tvirf, V haqrefgnaq uvz qbvat vg, V nyfb xrcg svaqvat zlfrys guvaxvat, "Vs ur npghnyyl znantrq gb trg vg bss, nyy gur crbcyr ur qbrf erfcrpg - Untevq, ZpTbantnyy, uvf sryybj fghqragf - jub jbhyq pbaqrza vg... rfcrpvnyyl Qhzoyrqber unq ur orra gurer gb frr vg."

Znlor V chg n ybg zber fgbpx guna hfhny va qrfver naq vagrag engure guna whfg va svany rssrpg.

Will, Nerdycellist:

I've been ordering the Raincoast (Canadian) editions. Text in the original Canadian British, great quality, recycled paper, and reasonable exchange rates and shipping times.

Raincoast isn't allowed to sell HP direct to US customers (I tried), but Anazon Canada had no such restriction. Either that, or there's soon to be trouble afoot.

I haven't been following this thread because I've yet to fall into the Harry Potter universe, so imagine my surprise to drop in here and discover that all of the posts were fhqqrayl rapbqrq va n gevivny fhofgvghgvba plcure.

Somehow, this makes me feel at home here.

Clifton Royston:
Lrf, gurer ner 4 Ubepehkrf erznvavat; V oryvrir iby 6 zragvbaf gur pbhag fbzrjurer. ENO (Erthyhf Oynpx, creuncf?) tbg gur ybpxrg, Qhzoyrqber tbg gur evat, naq Uneel qrfgeblrq gur wbheany.

Bu! Gur wbheany--V sbetbg gur wbheany! Gung zrnaf gurer ner bayl guerr, orpnhfr bar ovg bs fbhy vf fgvyy va Ibyqrezbg.

Lenora Rose:
Ebjyvat vf gernqvat n irel svar yvar jura fur svefg qrcvpgf fbzrguvat nf hacneqbanoyl rivy, gura unf ure ureb gel gb qb vg

V gubhtug fur jnf gelvat gb fubj ubj uneq vg vf gb or tbbq, naq ubj rnfl gb fyvc naq znxr n zvfgnxr gung lbh znl unir zrnag jryy, ohg gung vf npghnyyl rivy.

Ohg V pbhyq or jebat.

Decode at http://www.rot13.com

V gubhtug fur jnf gelvat gb fubj ubj uneq vg vf gb or tbbq, naq ubj rnfl gb fyvc naq znxr n zvfgnxr gung lbh znl unir zrnag jryy, ohg gung vf npghnyyl rivy.

V fhfcrpg gur fnzr. Jr nyy qb rivy, fbzrgvzrf zrnavat gb or tbbq, naq fbzrgvzrf jura jr whfg uvg n oernxvat cbvag. Vg'f zbfgyl gur snpg gung fur pnyyf gur guvat hasbetvirnoyr. Guvf jbeq -- gb zr -- unf n irel pyrne naq irel nofbyhgr qrsvavgvba; zbfg zbqrea pevzrf qba'g znxr vg vagb zl yvfg bs hasbetvirnoyr rirel gvzr gurl'er pbzzvggrq (Jebat, lrf; rivy, bsgra). Gurer ner n ybg bs crbcyr jub pbzzvg gubfr pevzrf naq znxr gubfr zvfgnxrf gung penjy onpx sebz gurz. Ener vf gur crefba jub qbrf fbzrguvat gung uvf *jubyr phygher* pbhagf nf hasbetvirnoyr, jub pna rire trg onpx gb orvat pbafvqrerq ba gur fvqr bs tbbq.

V'z njner gung guvf znl or zl qrsvavgvba trggvat va gur jnl bs ure fgbel.

Spoily comic:
http://piratemonkeysinc.com/wsdm.htm

Lenora Rose: I agree with you. If JKR's definition ends up clashing with ours, it'll ruin the whole thing for me. (Or I'll fanfic my own ending and refuse to acknowledge the real thing.)

And Will Entrekin: I'm right there with you on Nyna Evpxzna. Mmmm. Way better than Oehpr Jvyyvf.

Michelle K:
Gung zrnaf gurer ner bayl guerr, orpnhfr bar ovg bs fbhy vf fgvyy va Ibyqrezbg.

V qba'g guvax fb. Nf V ernq vg, rnpu zheqre fcyvgf bss n cvrpr bs fbhy naq fgberf vg va n Ubepehk. Guhf, gurer jbhyq bevtvanyyl unir orra rvtug fbhy-sentzragf. Bar qvrq jura Uneel xvyyrq Ibyqrzbeg, yrnivat frira, abar bs juvpu ner va Ibyqrzbeg'f obql.

Creuncf gur rvtugu sentzrag npghnyyl genafsreerq vgfrys gb Uneel, nf Clifton Royston fcrphyngrf nobir.

Metal Fatigue:

Ab, gur obbx fnlf "n frira-cneg fbhy" abg "frira Ubepehkrf". Gur gurbel vf gung Ibyqrzbeg znqr fvk Ubepehkrf. Uneel guvaxf gurer ner sbhe yrsg gb svaq, abg pbhagvat gur cvrpr bs fbhy gung'f fgvyy va Ibyqrzbeg'f obql (juvpu vfa'g n Ubepehk, vg'f whfg uvf fbhy). Gur qvnel unf orra qrfgeblrq naq fb unf Zneibyb Tnhag'f evat, ohg Uneel vf fgvyy ybbxvat sbe gur ybpxrg orpnhfr ur qbrfa'g xabj jurgure E.N.O. npghnyyl qrfgeblrq vg be abg. Cebonoyl abg, vs vg'f gur "ybpxrg abar bs gurz pbhyq bcra" gung jnf sbhaq va ahzore gjryir Tevzznhyq Cynpr, juvpu Zhaqhathf Syrgpure zvtug unir cvapurq ol abj.

V qba'g guvax nal fbhy jnf qrfgeblrq jura Ibyqrzbeg'f phefr ba Uneel erobhaqrq, bgurejvfr jung cneg bs uvz jnf vaunovgvat Dhveeryy, naq jung vf va uvf obql abj? V'z thrffvat gung n fbhy pna bayl or qrfgeblrq nyy ng bapr be abg ng nyy. Nf rnpu Ubepehk vf qrfgeblrq, gur fbhy sentzrag gurerva ergheaf gb Ibyqrzbeg'f obql, ohg vs uvf obql vf qrfgeblrq, gur fbhy gung jnf va vg sybngf nebhaq qvfrzobqvrq sbe nf ybat nf ng yrnfg bar Ubepehk fgvyy rkvfgf.

Gur nzbhg bs thrffvat nobhg gur ahzore bs Ubepehkrf naq jung gurl ner frrzf engure svful gb zr. Rvgure gur thrffrf ner nyy pbeerpg - juvpu frrzf rkprffviryl pbairavrag - be vg vfa'g, va juvpu pnfr ubj vf Uneel rire tbvat gb or fher ur'f tbg nyy gur ovgf bs Ibyqrzbeg?

V jbhyq ybir gb oryvrir gurer'f ab fhpu crefba nf E.N.O. - Ibyqrzbeg jebgr gung abgr uvzfrys gb guebja uvf rarzvrf bss gur genvy, naq gur fb-pnyyrq snxr ybpxrg ernyyl vf gur Ubepehk, Genafsvtherq gb ybbx qvssrerag. Hasbeghangryl vg frrzf bhg bs punenpgre - grrantr Gbz Evqqyr pbhyq unir orra gung farnxl, ohg Ibyqrzbeg frrzf gb unir ybfg fhogyrgl nf ur tbg byqre, naq ur jbhyq arire qrsvyr uvf snzbhf naprfgbe'f ybpxrg yvxr gung.

Sorry, I meant:

Rvgure gur thrffrf ner nyy pbeerpg - juvpu frrzf rkprffviryl pbairavrag - be gurl nera'g.

Harry Potter and the genetics lesson
Scientists say popular books can be used to teach about recessive genes
By Matthew Herper
Forbes
Updated: 11:55 a.m. ET Aug. 16, 2005

"... The idea is set forth in a short letter in a recent issue of the scientific journal Nature, by Jeffrey M. Craig, Renee Dow and MaryAnne Aitken, experts in treating and counseling children with genetic diseases at Royal Children's Hospital in Australia...."

"... In the scenario, there are two versions of the gene for magical ability — the M version, which creates muggles, and the W version, which is needed for wizardry. But everyone gets two copies of the gene — one from each parent — and even a single M scuttles any hope for a magical career...."

Judging from the VAB and where the link goes.

@125 needs to take tea with the gnomes.

(Am I doing spam reports correctly?)

Cassy B (125): I'm not a moderator, but they look right to me. Putting 'spam' in the subject line is the crucial thing, because that makes it easier for the moderators to spot. And it's working, which is the ultimate test.

I think you mean the name line, Mary Aileen.

That's right: When doing a Spam Run, I take the "See last 1000 comments..." link from the main page then use my browser's Search function to find all the comments with the word "spam" in the name.

Jim @ 128, Thanks; it's good to know the mechanism -- I remember things better when I know *why* rather than just *what*. As a newbie, I'm trying to grok the local culture and conventions, but I know it's easy to Get It Rong by accident. {rueful grin}

Xopher (127): Putting it in the name field puts it in the subject line. So we're both right, but you're slightly more right than I am. :)

This moose feels that "seo techniques" should be barred as a poster name on general principles.

I don't speak whatever language it's in, but #135 is a first-time post that mostly consists of a URL, on a very old thread.

Google Translate is good at telling what language something is. It says Turkish here. (Something about selling cars.)

Romeo, Oh Romeo, why do you post crap Romeo?

test

At least it's not about a medical disorder this time.