Back to previous post: Never forget

Go to Making Light's front page.

Forward to next post: A minor note

Subscribe (via RSS) to this post's comment thread. (What does this mean? Here's a quick introduction.)

September 2, 2005

Comedy Gold
Posted by Patrick at 05:52 PM * 26 comments

George W. Bush, today:

The good news is— and it’s hard for some to see it now—that out of this chaos is going to come a fantastic Gulf Coast, like it was before. Out of the rubbles of Trent Lott’s house—he’s lost his entire house—there’s going to be a fantastic house. And I’m looking forward to sitting on the porch. (Laughter.)

Ezra Klein’s commenters run variations. Bitch PhD. has one of her own.

Comments on Comedy Gold:
#1 ::: Erik in Seattle ::: (view all by) ::: September 02, 2005, 06:08 PM:

I wonder when he's going to figure out that people are laughing AT him, not with him.

Me, I'm too angry to laugh.

#2 ::: James D. Macdonald ::: (view all by) ::: September 02, 2005, 06:12 PM:

Reporter: And what do you call this government?

Bush: The Aristocrats!

#3 ::: enjay ::: (view all by) ::: September 02, 2005, 06:29 PM:

Posters. Big ones, plastered everywhere. With every furking half-witted sociopathic quote backed by an image of reality.

#4 ::: bryan ::: (view all by) ::: September 02, 2005, 06:50 PM:

okay, how about showing a bunch of clips of Trent Lott saying mean nasty things, and then a clip of George Bush saying "Out of the rubbles of Trent Lott’s house—he’s lost his entire house.." pause, black screen, white lettering SOUNDS GOOD TO ME finish with Bush saying "there’s going to be a fantastic house."
black screen, white lettering "DAMN"

#5 ::: Lisa Nichols ::: (view all by) ::: September 02, 2005, 08:17 PM:

Just when I think I have no energy for any more anger...

#6 ::: Clifton Royston ::: (view all by) ::: September 02, 2005, 09:11 PM:

I think at this point it is fair to say that Mr. Bush is simply a psychopath who has had very good coaches.

#7 ::: John M. Ford ::: (view all by) ::: September 02, 2005, 09:26 PM:

Trent has a defense contractin' buddy with a big ol' boat. Trent used to live on it, on the cuff 'n' everything. I'll be he'd be mighty welcome there now.

#8 ::: Lin ::: (view all by) ::: September 02, 2005, 10:05 PM:

Election advertisement: Scenes from NO, Biloxi, Gulfport, with no sound, ending with the scene of someone covering the lady in the wheelchair who died, fade to black, then the words "vote Republican." The other, same kinds of scenes, with a voice-over: "They had three days' warning for this disaster. What are they going to do when it's a surprise?"

#9 ::: P J Evans ::: (view all by) ::: September 02, 2005, 11:30 PM:

Either they miscalculated today's dose or he's gone mentally incompetent.

Gee, my heart bleeds for Trent Lott. He still has at least one house to live in, and a job that pays him really well without actually requiring him to do anything much. This is more than most of his theoretical neighbors have today.

#10 ::: Paula Lieberman ::: (view all by) ::: September 03, 2005, 12:01 AM:

Treat Trent Lott's home like the US Government treated Robert E. Lee's....

#11 ::: bad Jim ::: (view all by) ::: September 03, 2005, 04:16 AM:

MacDonald, I am going to steal your joke.

#12 ::: Lisa Nichols ::: (view all by) ::: September 03, 2005, 08:12 AM:

The only question is which version of the joke is more obscene.

#13 ::: new age ::: (view all by) ::: September 03, 2005, 11:47 AM:

That angers me

#14 ::: Fledgist ::: (view all by) ::: September 03, 2005, 04:11 PM:

We have reached the point where just calling W a moron does not capture the sheer criminality of his inability to be human. Hannah Arendt, writing about Eichmann -- essentially a bureaucrat doing his job, which was to exterminate the Jews -- spoke of the banality of evil. What we have here is the inanity of evil.

#15 ::: Marilee ::: (view all by) ::: September 03, 2005, 04:45 PM:

I watched the Chertoff press conference a couple of hours ago and he said the course of Katrina was "unhelpful." Now he wants the hurricanes to help?

#16 ::: adamsj ::: (view all by) ::: September 03, 2005, 04:58 PM:

I've always wondered just how much text I could post here.

(I'm going to put this notice up top, just in case: Text copyright 2005 Paul L. Sungenis and Kristopher L. Leeds.
Permission to redistribute granted provided this copyright notice remains intact.)

Hurricane Katrina: The Motion Picture
or: Mad Max: Beyond Superdome

By Pab Sungenis and Kris Leeds

EXT: ARTIC OUTPOST, DAY

An ESTABLISHING SHOT of the lonely weather station from "The Day After
Tomorrow."

INT: ARCTIC OUTPOST

Professor TERRY RAPSON (played by IAN HOLM) monitors a screen full of
numbers.
Suddenly, one of the series of numbers starts blinking.

RAPSON
Oh, shit.
(picks up phone)
Get me the President.

INT: SENATE, DAY

We see the United States Senate, regally dressed in Roman senatorial
robes trimmed with red.
KARL ROVE (played by JOHN MYHERS from History of the World: Part
One
) walks to the podium
and hushes the Senators.

ROVE
Senators, we have been given word that the
likeliness of a category 5 hurricane hitting
New Orleans could be one of the most
devastating disasters in American Histoy. The
Clinton Administration initiated a huge program
of public works designed to shore up the levees
and other protective measures around New Orleans.
Now, my question to you is this: do we pass huge
tax cuts for the rich, or do we continue these
protective measures for the poor?

As one, the entire SENATE makes a rude gesture.

SENATORS
Fuck the poor!

EXT.: SUPERDOME, DAY

We see a huge crowd of people outside the sports arena, very restless.
CNN reporter AARON
BROWN (played by ROBBIE KNIEVEL, complete with crash helmet) is
assessing the situation.

AARON BROWN
Wolf, I'm here outside the Superdome, one of many
locations where thousands of people too sick or too
poor to be able to evacuate New Orleans in the face
of Hurricane Katrina, have been told by the government
to gather. Oh, and I've just been told that Louisiana
Governor Kathleen Kennedy Blanco has arrived to address
the crowd.

ZOOM IN on GOVERNOR, played by TINA TURNER, as she climbs a podium.

GOVERNOR
WELCOME...TO SUPERDOME!

CROWD
Thirty thousand enter! Ten thousand leave!
Thirty thousand enter! Ten thousand leave!

ZOOM OUT to show Aaron Brown again.

AARON BROWN
We'll keep you posted on developments as the
storm approaches.

EXT.: NEW ORLEANS, DAY

The full force of Hurricane Katrina blows through. High winds knock
down buildings and
telephone poles, cars are blown to and fro, etc. The roof of the
Superdome is damaged.
Finally, the winds subside, and all seems well.

We see people leaving their homes, beginning to assess the situation,
when....

EXT.: LEVEE, DAY

MUX: ALSO SPRACHT ZARATHUSTRA (”THEME FROM 2001”)

As the giant crescendo in the theme is reached, the levee cracks open
and starts to crumble.
Water pours through, flooding the streets, washing people away.

INT.: "NIGHTLINE" SET, NIGHT

TED KOPPEL (played by TED KOPPEL) is reporting.

KOPPEL
The damage done by Hurricane Katrina has
been compounded by the huge floods created
by major levees giving way. With me is Michael
Brown, a major Bush Contibutor and head of
the Federal Emergency Management Agency.
Mr. Brown, thank you for speaking to us
tonight.

INTERCUT with FEMA director MIKE BROWN (played by JON LOVITZ).

MIKE BROWN
Good evening, Ted.

KOPPEL
Mr. Brown, what is the situation in New
Orleans right now?

MIKE BROWN
Couldn't be better, Ted!

KOPPEL
Are you serious?

MIKE BROWN
Of course I am. You think I'm LYING?

KOPPEL
Well, haven't you been watching television?

MIKE BROWN
Uh...of COURSE I've been watching television.
I...INVENTED television! Yeah, that's the
ticket!

KOPPEL
Then what do you have to say about the people
trapped at the Convention Center and in the
Superdome?

MIKE BROWN
They couldn't be better! They have lots of food,
water, and medical care.

KOPPEL
No, they DON'T!

MIKE BROWN
Of course they don't! And you know whose fault
that is? Osama Bin Laden! Yeah! That's the
ticket!

KOPPEL
What do you say to critics who blame the
failure of the levee, and the lack of preparation
for the ensuing disaster, on the dismantling of
the Clinton Administration's Project Impact,
which the President dismantled in March of
2001?

MIKE BROWN
Nothing to do with it. In fact, it was CLINTON
who created the hurricane! Yeah, that's the
ticket! Bill Clinton and his wife Hillary...whom
I've slept with!...caused this hurricane because
they wouldn't allow drilling in the Arctic National
Wildlife Refuge. Yeah, that's it!

KOPPEL
And what are you doing about conditions right now?

MIKE BROWN
I've got my best men working on it.

EXT.: NEW ORLEANS, DAY

Two FEMA agents (played by ABBOTT AND COSTELLO) are waist deep in water.

ABBOTT
Okay, let's see. Agent Hu is at the Superdome.
Watt's at the Convention Center. Idano is in charge
of plugging the levee.

COSTELLO
Well, we'd better figure that out then.

ABBOTT
Figure what out.

COSTELLO
Who's in charge of plugging the levees.

ABBOTT
No, Hu is at the Superdome.

COSTELLO
What?

ABBOTT
No, Watt's at the Convention Center.

COSTELLO
I'm not asking you who's at the Convention Center!

ABBOTT
Hu's at the Superdome!

COSTELLO
I don't know.

ABBOT AND COSTELLO
(in unison)
Third base!

ABBOTT
It's okay. We've got a couple of C-130's ready to
fly in with some supplies.

INT.: COCKPIT, DAY

We see our intrepid flight crew: Captain PETER GRAVES and co-pilot
KAREEM ABDUL
JABBAR. Air hostess JULIE HAGGERTY is behind them.

GRAVES
Tower, this is relief flight one, on approach for
supply drop site one.

EXT.: NEW ORLEANS, DAY

ABBOTT and COSTELLO have somehow found a magnum of champagne.

COSTELLO
This calls for a celebration!

THEY pop the cork on the champagne. We watch the cork fly through the
air, until it strikes
the fuselage of the airplane.

JABBAR
They're shooting at us!

GRAVES
Tower, this is relief flight one, we're coming home.

LESLIE NIELSEN sticks his head through the cockpit door

NIELSEN
I just wanted to tell you...good luck. They're
all counting on you.

EXT.: NEW ORLEANS, DAY

ABBOTT and COSTELLO watch the relief plane's departure grimly.

ABBOTT
Now look what you've done!

COSTELLO
I'm sorry, Abbott!

ABBOTT
Now who's going to save this city?

COSTELLO
(pointing to the skies)
Look!

MUX: “HAIL TO THE CHIEF”

EXT.: SKIES, DAY

Suddenly, a STEALTH FIGHTER swoops out of the skies. We zoom in on the
cockpit, to
reveal that it's flown by CAPTAIN BUNNYPANTS himself (played by MEL
GIBSON)!
He surveys the situation from high above, and finding no place to land,
radios to the ground.

EXT.: NEW ORLEANS, DAY

Suddenly, from high on a hill, we see MOSES (played by CHARLTON HESTON)
walk out,
raise his hands, and part the flood waters! There are cheers from the
crowds as the waters
return to their pre-storm levels.

CAPTAIN BUNNYPANTS brings his plane in for a landing on the now-dry
streets of New
Orleans. He steps out, and we see that he's wearing a flight suit with
an enormous roll of socks
stuffed into the crotch. He waves to the welcoming crowd as an AIR
FORCE CAPTAIN
walks behind him, unfurling a banner saying “MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!” He
goes up to
a hastily constructed podium.

CAPTAIN BUNNYPANTS
The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now
-- that out of this chaos is going to come a fantastic Gulf
Coast, like it was before. Out of the rubbles of Trent Lott's
house -- he's lost his entire house -- there's going to be a
fantastic house. And I'm looking forward to sitting on the
porch.

HE then leaves the podium as the poor of New Orleans stare at him
dumbfounded.
As he climbs back into the plane and takes off, MOSES lowers his arms,
and the flood
waters return, drowning the entire city.

INT.: FIGHTER COCKPIT

CAPTAIN BUNNYPANTS
Who cares? New Orleans votes -- or should I say
voted -- Democratic. Now, what are we doing about
gas prices?

AIR FORCE CAPTAIN
Nothing, sir. They're skyrocketing.

CAPTAIN BUNNYPANTS
Good. And who's been hired to rebuild the Gulf
Coast?

AIR FORCE CAPTAIN
Halliburton, sir!

CAPTAIN BUNNYPANTS
Good, that will make Dick happy. Now....

ZOOM OUT to watch the Stealth Fighter fly into the sunset.

THE END

Text copyright 2005 Paul L. Sungenis and Kristopher L. Leeds.
Permission to redistribute granted provided this copyright notice
remains intact.

#17 ::: ajay ::: (view all by) ::: September 05, 2005, 05:56 AM:

I don't understand. When the Homeland Security Department was set up, you assured me that there was no way a disaster of this kind could ever happen.

SEC. TURGIDSON: Well, I don't think we should condemn the entire system because of one slip-up, sir.

#18 ::: notsaying ::: (view all by) ::: May 13, 2006, 06:36 AM:

"Reporter: And what do you call this government?

Bush: The Aristocrats!"

hmm,

somebody. somebody bad is my guess, seems to have posted a new aristocrats version to the sickipedia - http://www.sickipedia.org/index.php?title=The_Aristocrats

Just in case it gets deleted I will reproduce it here, for uhm historical purposes -

QUOTED TEXT:

authoritative version

That above. I call it the Amateurs.

Here's how the pros do it.

A man comes into a talent agents office. The talent agent asks "What's your name?" The man says "George Bush," the talent agent says "That's a pretty funny name, bet you've got a dirty act, let's see what you can do."

So the guy wastes no time, he goes straight to work, he rips off his clothes and has underneath an aviators outfit with a couple of athletic socks stuffed in the crotch, two of this friends come sprinting in - Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld. Then they go invade Iraq, as quickly as possible they pile up a pyramid of dying iraqui boys. Rumsfeld fucks the boys, comes in their asses, then throws them to Cheney who sucks the semen and shit out from their assholes while shouting "I never drink wine" All the while Bush prances around at the bottom of the pyramid doing extremely artful stumbles and every now and then lifting up the bullet riddled corpses while saying, goodness, I can't find any weapons of mass destruction here. Dick Cheney hears this and pulls out his cock, and shoots Bush in the face with it "sorry," he says "I thought you were a bird."

Suddenly crawling out from underneath the pyramid of dead boys is Tony Blair and Anders Fogh Rasmussen of Denmark, they are both naked and they have the severed penis of a dead boy in their mouths and are playing a tug of war with it. As they do this Bush starts of racing between the naked prime ministers and fucking them in the ass, while drinking straight vodka and vomitting on their backsides. Whenever he fucks one or the other, that one says "It is just anti-americanism not to want to be fucked up the ass by George Bush".

Meanwhile as all this is happening, in another part of the talent agents office a water pipe bursts and starts flooding, the people who live in the less expensive offices under the talent agent start floating up because they are dead. Bush immediately starts taking advantage of this and works the dead corpses into the act. He starts fucking the corpses of the dead black people that were in the lower offices, as rescue workers try to get in he and Dick Cheney has them pose behind them in formation while not doing any real rescue work. Soon everyone in the lower offices is dead, in order not to have this decrease from his own growing pyramid of dead iraqui boys that Donald Rumsfeld is still fucking with cyborg intensity, he stacks up the dead flood victims, says there's 800 of them, although there is evidently more, and he and Dick Cheney starts eating the excess.

At this point the talent agent has had enough, he starts yelling stop it, stop it I can't stand anymore of this act. i thought I'd seen every filthy act in show business but you crazy fucks should be in jail. "

Dick Cheney says "We know where you live, and we know who you been talking to."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean we are the aristocrats, your natural rulers, you dirty little plebe!"

Anders Fogh Rasmussen stands up and says "Hey now that reminds me of a joke!"

"Oh well," says the talent agent "I am always on the lookout for new material"

"Well this happened some months ago, I was walking down Bredgade in Denmark and saw Pia Kjærsgaard and started kissing her ass."

There was a long pause.

The talent agent says "What's the joke?"

Anders Fogh says "I am. Hasn't anyone figured that out yet?"

George Bush says "Jesus, I hate them Germans."

... Please note that this is actually part of a much longer routine that also involves religious-based home schooling in the U.S and vaudevillian comedy routines on a planet populated by disgusting Cthulhu like creatures. But I don't have the time to write all that down now.


END QUOTED TEXT

#19 ::: adamsj ::: (view all by) ::: May 13, 2006, 02:49 PM:

Way, way up there, I posted a link to a very funny (like crying funny) parody about Katrina.

I just today found the link to the original, and thought it might be a nice addition for the sake of completeness.

#20 ::: George Bush ::: (view all by) ::: June 26, 2006, 05:33 PM:

My Fellow Americans. My name is george bush and I approve this message.

I want to thank you for letting me and my power hungry war mondering republican party screw over this great nation. Between you, me and the power you have granted me, our national debt is the highest its ever been and my favorite part....we did it all by hiding behind the lie of conservative values and jingoistic patriotism while successfully removing the divide between church and state.

Me and my republican party are going to fuck the poor and middle class of this nation so that we can replicate Mexico's economy in the USA. God Bless You All!!!

George Warmonger Bush

#21 ::: Dracula ::: (view all by) ::: July 12, 2006, 03:15 PM:

I am so ashamed that I wasted my vote on a piece of crap like george warmonger bush. It is clear that the last three presidents produced by the republican party were nothing more then corrupt puppets who only represented the interests of the rich and elite of this country. There is a very special dark place in hell for these people who have manipulated the stupidity and one dimensional voting habits of the religeous right wing of this nation. The religious right wing of this nation should be ashamed. They will vote for any worthless idiot who claims to be against abortion. You people are anything but conservative and you do not represent the interests of the average typical American voter. Bush pimped the presidency and the the republican party has turned Congress and the Senate into an auction house for sale to the highest bidder in the corporate business community. I'll never make the mistake of voting republican again. Thanks for the memories GOP.

#22 ::: Film Composer ::: (view all by) ::: March 11, 2007, 01:33 PM:

You get the right to vote from Romania?

#23 ::: Christopher Collins ::: (view all by) ::: January 17, 2008, 12:56 AM:

Grg Bsh gs t bd rly ch nght s tht h cn sck dck (chny's) pnt dck.

#24 ::: Tania sees comment of questionable value (spam?) ::: (view all by) ::: January 17, 2008, 01:55 AM:

Well, it's an interesting sentiment, but I'm not completely certain of the relevance. And, um, if they do, why should I care and what significance does it have on my opinion of them otherwise? Consenting adults and all that...

#25 ::: abi ::: (view all by) ::: January 17, 2008, 07:19 AM:

Needlessly tiresome. Trimmed of unnecessary letters.

#26 ::: Serge ::: (view all by) ::: January 17, 2008, 07:25 AM:

Grg Bsh...

A Grieg Bash?

Welcome to Making Light's comment section. The moderators are Avram Grumer, Teresa & Patrick Nielsen Hayden, and Abi Sutherland. Abi is the moderator most frequently onsite. She's also the kindest. Teresa is the theoretician. Are you feeling lucky?

Comments containing more than seven URLs will be held for approval. If you want to comment on a thread that's been closed, please post to the most recent "Open Thread" discussion.

You can subscribe (via RSS) to this particular comment thread. (If this option is baffling, here's a quick introduction.)

Post a comment.
(Real e-mail addresses and URLs only, please.)

HTML Tags:
<strong>Strong</strong> = Strong
<em>Emphasized</em> = Emphasized
<a href="http://www.url.com">Linked text</a> = Linked text

Spelling reference:
Tolkien. Minuscule. Gandhi. Millennium. Delany. Embarrassment. Publishers Weekly. Occurrence. Asimov. Weird. Connoisseur. Accommodate. Hierarchy. Deity. Etiquette. Pharaoh. Teresa. Its. Macdonald. Nielsen Hayden. It's. Fluorosphere. Barack. More here.















(You must preview before posting.)

Dire legal notice
Making Light copyright 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016 by Patrick & Teresa Nielsen Hayden. All rights reserved.