America’s favorite Main Street Publisher has offered a publishing contract to yet another sting manuscript. This one is called Crack of Death by Sharla Tann, and (like the infamous Atlanta Nights) is available for your reading pleasure via Lulu.com.
This exciting erotic thriller fiction novel is the story of the beautiful hairdresser Nancy whose life spirals out of control when she meets the exotic Roberto. Little does Audrey know that Roberto is in fact a dangerous Colombian Mafia Drug Lord. Can she escape the clutches of Cucaracha, Espadrillo and their Boss, the wicked La Madre? From the seething underbelly of Colombian drugs to the evil web of intrigue in London, Nancy is swept up in an adventure that will change her life forever, right up to the cliffhanger ending where the kindly Scotland Yard detective Garry Lamont vies with intrepid FBI agent Duane Malaysia for her favours. But is it too late?
The answer is, yes, it’s way too late.
The whole sordid tale is recounted here. Originally this was to have been a sting to see if PublishBritannica would take any word-hash that someone sent in. When PublishBritannica folded (shortly after Encyclopedia Britannica sued PublishAmerica for trademark infringement), the authors were in despair, until they found an American beard to submit the thrilling work. Had PublishAmerica learned its lesson after the Atlanta Nights debacle? Nope. They still offer contracts to books without bothering to read them first.
I confess now that I did write one of the chapters, but it isn’t my favorite. My favorite begins:
Nancy spent all night starring at the cold gray cell walls covered in graffiti and thinking about Roberto. Where was he, she thought? Roberto where are you? Her heart ached for him, his shiny dark hair and firm taut muscles, his Calian accent, she imagined herself warm and safe in his arms, she imagined them making passionate love and him tenderly kissing the out line of her butterfly tattoo on her smooth buttocks the way he used to on those hot feverish nights in his penthouse sweet near the new Tescos in south Clapham.
All of a sudden she heard a key turn slowly in the lock. ‘Whose there!’ she shouted sharply. No one replied. Then the cell door opened slowly and creakily. She could see the out line of two tall men. ‘what’ she said.
‘Are you Nancy?’ Said a smooth commanding voice.
The two out lines stepped slowly into the cell and she could see they were two men, one white and black.
Buy one. Better still, buy a dozen. They make excellent gifts for people who don’t read the books you give them. And at just $10.50 it costs half of what PublishAmerica would have charged for the same text had they been allowed to print it.
[UPDATE] Sharla Tann has a webpage.