Just...wow.

You had me at "planet Telvron".

Posted February 18, 2008 11:52 PM by Backpacking Dad

Suddenly I feel way better about my own tale telling efforts.

Posted February 18, 2008 11:57 PM by T.W

Teresa, you temptress...

Posted February 18, 2008 11:58 PM by Serge

But wait! There's more!

He's also a Master Chef in the cuisine of three planetary systems, and an excellent golfer.

Posted February 19, 2008 12:02 AM by LMB MacAlister

So that makes Alaric an alien vampire werewolf psychic writer [and] darkly angelic, alien vampiric UFO-debunking half-divine military fighter pilot.

Ugh, I hate stories about writers.

Posted February 19, 2008 12:07 AM by Mary Dell

LMB

You forgot: also drives Indy cars on weekends.

I read the second review. I think I can skip that book. (But I got the e-mail this evening that my pb copy of Grease Monkey is coming RSN, so I won't be lacking for reading.)

Posted February 19, 2008 12:18 AM by P J Evans

Apparently, the mind of that writer is where tired cliches and tortured imagery go to die.

Posted February 19, 2008 12:20 AM by Summer Storms

You forgot to mention the part where Alaric becomes a nazi-battling, time-traveling, cyborg archaeologist with a neat hat.

Oh, my mistake. That's the sequel.

Posted February 19, 2008 12:29 AM by A Rusty Butter Knife

You know, I bet it would be brilliant in the hands of, say, Gene Wolfe.

Posted February 19, 2008 12:35 AM by Greg Carere

Is there some way that I can implant a device in my brain that will send out a beacon to people with more sense than I have to alert them when I have the passing notion to put myself in a position where I would be reading slush? It'd be like having a spotter for bad ideas I shouldn't be lifting.

Reading those passages I've learned that I really don't have the constitution for reading unfiltered prose. Really. Don't.

Also, where do I sign up to pay editors an extra stipend for hazard pay?

I know this example is by no means the nadir, and normally I'm one of those people who can look at horrendous photos of trauma and go 'oh man, that's a nasty one!' while eating a plate of kitfo, but I just don't have what it takes to read this stuff.

On the other hand, maybe this means I need to develop callouses on my delicate sensibilities.

Posted February 19, 2008 12:38 AM by Zak

#9 Greg Carere: Right, or Roger Zelazny. I mean, UFO-debunking alien? Has some potential. And divinity ain't necessarily all it's cracked up to be...

We could probably have a great parlor game of making good books sound as fanficcy-terrible as possible. "Tormented bisexual military genius in line for the throne of a planet meets brilliant redheaded wisecracking explorer and saves her from sex fiends!"

Posted February 19, 2008 12:46 AM by Madeline F

Greg Carere at #9 writes:

> You know, I bet it would be brilliant in the hands of, say, Gene Wolfe.

That's funny - I was just thinking of Michael Swanwick for that job - after all he's already sorta kinda done half elven fighter pilots in _The Dragons of Babel_ (which I unreservedly recommend, btw).

Besides, I'm holding Gene Wolfe in reserve as the only person capable of tackling "Lone space crash survivors who just happen to be called A'dam and E've".

Posted February 19, 2008 12:47 AM by Steve Taylor

Madeline F at #11 writes:

> We could probably have a great parlor game of making good books sound as fanficcy-terrible as possible. "Tormented bisexual military genius in line for the throne of a planet meets brilliant redheaded wisecracking explorer and saves her from sex fiends!"

"Immortal curmudgeon dumps anecdotes for hundreds of pages and has sex with his twin redheaded sisters and redheaded mother".

Oh hang on - that one *was* rubbish.

I actually did pick up _Barrayar_ and think it looked like junk - fortunately the collective wisdom of the net steered me back to it, and convinced me to have a go.

Posted February 19, 2008 12:52 AM by Steve Taylor

Madeline,
That is a dangerously tempting game to suggest you wicked evil evil EVIL...

Posted February 19, 2008 12:53 AM by T.W

When I try to imagine a new version of the Adam and Eve story, all I get is them arguing about whether their spaceship crash was fated from the moment their vessel took aboard passengers named Adam and Eve, or whether the factor that doomed it was the ship being named the Acme.

Posted February 19, 2008 12:54 AM by Teresa Nielsen Hayden

Madeleine: That would be as in: "Heavy slash overtones, angst, and UST add flavor to this gender-ambiguous interstellar romance," yes?

Posted February 19, 2008 1:04 AM by Teresa Nielsen Hayden

"the ship being named the Acme"

To avoid conflicts with Warner Brothers, shouldn't it be renamed the Ne Plus Ultra?

Posted February 19, 2008 1:05 AM by Linkmeister

But where are the ninjas? You need to have ninjas.

Posted February 19, 2008 1:12 AM by Jon Meltzer

Ah yes, the Orlando Bloom cover... I remember it well.

What do we have for a cover this time?">

Lame.

Didn't even add drop-shadows to the font. *sigh*

Posted February 19, 2008 1:23 AM by JKRichard

Wait! There's more from our intrepid author!

Posted February 19, 2008 1:25 AM by JKRichard

I'll be nice and not share the fan-fic I just found...

Posted February 19, 2008 1:27 AM by JKRichard

I thought the excerpt she had was fast-paced and rather snappy. It could have been much worse. It didn't bore me. I wouldn't pay for it, but I might read on.

Posted February 19, 2008 1:37 AM by The Pacemaker

Madeline F @#11:

We could probably have a great parlor game of making good books sound as fanficcy-terrible as possible.

Ooo, brilliant! Wish I could figure out which one you're referencing...redheads, trying to remember any redheads.

Spacefaring elf crashes in a flying space castle, turns into a wolf and gives birth to a half-wolf, half-elf who becomes a warrior and founds a tribe of elves who ride wolves.

Posted February 19, 2008 1:40 AM by Mary Dell

Oh, dear.
You know--the very first thing I ever, ever wrote, a terrible Mary Sue fantasy novel about a girl who looked *just like me* who was saved from her abusive father by a blacksmith-mage and his twin(redheaded!)students, and who eventually ended up with (unwanted) immortality and an elvish boyfriend(okay, okay, I was thirteen!)had a character named Alaric in it. The aforementioned blacksmith-mage, actually. I liked him a lot.
Still do...had actually been considering reviving him in some new, less embarrassing fashion. Maybe not?

Posted February 19, 2008 1:45 AM by Comesleep

Comesleep @#24: Oh, jeez, we all wrote stuff like that in our teens, no need to be embarrassed.* That's what names like "Alaric" are for!

I never went in for elves, myself--my alter egoes generally got made into cyborgs. Still do, actually.

*unless you had it published through a vanity press, of course

Posted February 19, 2008 2:01 AM by Mary Dell

Ah, but elves can't stand cold irony.

Mary Dell, that's a reference to Heinlein, Time Enough for Love, where Our Hero has sex with his twin red-headed clone-sisters (and it's not masturbation because?) and his mother. It's not until the sequel that his mother has sex with her father. It's a family affair.

John Melzer @ 18
And where are the clones, there ought to be clones,
I think that they're here.

Posted February 19, 2008 2:34 AM by Bruce Cohen (SpeakerToManagers)

Hmm ... I'm sensing a theme ...

"Immortal curmudgeon wages guerilla war with blue aliens that want sex with humans, fights a deadly hashhish-smoking assassin and a giant zombie, and ends up owning Earth."

Posted February 19, 2008 2:52 AM by Bruce Cohen (SpeakerToManagers)

"Unappreciated artist and chef finds her true inner peace in nudism, then becomes mankind's first ambassador to a superintelligent alien species."

Posted February 19, 2008 3:29 AM by Jenny Islander

An Alien Vampire fighter pilot Master Chef?

Sounds not entirely unlike a video game

Posted February 19, 2008 3:53 AM by Dave Bell

Today's secret ingredients are:

Benzene

and...

Lymph!

Posted February 19, 2008 4:02 AM by Zak

Come back John Theis, all is forgiven.

Posted February 19, 2008 5:01 AM by A.R.Yngve

mary dell,

Spacefaring elf crashes in a flying space castle, turns into a wolf and gives birth to a half-wolf, half-elf who becomes a warrior and founds a tribe of elves who ride wolves.

my first & probably last time to be the one to guess a reference correctly in a ml parlour game (i suppose i get points for putting myself out there & guessing incorrectly once)...

but you are talking about wendy & richard pini's elfquest.

Posted February 19, 2008 5:13 AM by miriam beetle

hee. my little sister's first (& as far as i know, last) mary sue fanfic was based in the wolfrider tribe. she was like, seven?

her mary sue was named willow bay. no kidding. we teased her sooo baaad for that.

maybe why she never wrote any more fanfic. hmm.

Posted February 19, 2008 5:16 AM by miriam beetle

29: When I first read about Halo, I actually misread the name of the viewpoint character as Master Chef. I still like my interpretation better.

Editors of the world: if you have to read this sort of thing for a living, you are earning your pay.

Posted February 19, 2008 5:16 AM by ajay

My colleagues are looking at me very oddly. A grown man isn't supposed to laugh until he cries. Not at work anyway.

An angelic semi-deity . . . what does he/she/it need with an F16 anyway? Aren't their own wings enough? He's got a hard point to attach his external weaponry . . . or maybe we won't go there.

Posted February 19, 2008 5:23 AM by martyn44

A.R.@31: Jim, actually.

Posted February 19, 2008 5:58 AM by David Goldfarb

You know, sometimes I get this idea that it might be nice to try to get published myself. And then I think about someone in a publisher's office doing that to one of mine, maybe passing it around to general derision, and the urge goes away just like that.

Am I that bad? I don't know. Not in those specific ways, maybe. I think. But then, I don't suppose Ms Graham thinks she's that bad either.

Posted February 19, 2008 6:20 AM by Zander

I have to note that I have a student named Alaric who, among other things, was a few years ago candidate for vice president of Liberia.

I do not believe that he is an elf, vampire, or werewolf, though.

Posted February 19, 2008 6:49 AM by Fragano Ledgister

Steve Taylor @ 12... "Lone space crash survivors who just happen to be called A'dam and E've"

Has somebody called the agents of Richard Basehart and Elizabeth Montgomery yet? And have you noticed the Google ad forNBC.com? How à propos.

Posted February 19, 2008 6:49 AM by Serge

Zander, to judge by your songs, you'll probably turn out to be bloody good, at least potentially so.

Posted February 19, 2008 6:50 AM by Randolph Fritz

"You know, I bet it would be brilliant in the hands of, say, Gene Wolfe."

Or Mark E. Rogers, with the super-elf having a short and fatal encounter with Samurai Cat.

Posted February 19, 2008 7:02 AM by Jon H

Jim Theis, sorry. (Chronic name dyslexia.)

But I must know: will Alaric vote Democrat or Republican? His choice would -- naturally -- determine the outcome of the '08 election.

(Oh, we'll find out in the sequel, Eternity of Blood Part II: The Bloodening.)

Posted February 19, 2008 7:21 AM by A.R.Yngve

For such endeavors was the lowly (LOL-y?) spork born.

Let's see: Mercenary with a heart of gold and a troop of loyal honest and honorable mercenaries comes to the aid of folks with telepathic white horses in a war against true evil, and finds True Love on the battlefield.

:-)

Posted February 19, 2008 7:36 AM by Ginger

There's a voice in the back of my head that now wants to write Night Travels of the Eleven Vampires.

Posted February 19, 2008 7:41 AM by Paul A.

Ginger, you forgot the magic sword. I like the mercenary books so much.

I'm having trouble coming up with anything. "Anne McCaffrey/Patrick O'Brian crossover!" is practically the official line. "Boy raised by aliens returns to earth, saves the world, listens to/performs a lot of monologues, sleeps with every single person except the religious villain, and..." no, I do not have the love for Heinlein that is necessary for this. "[entire body of folklore] crossover, with pastiches!" might, maybe, work, except I haven't read the second book.

Posted February 19, 2008 7:55 AM by Diatryma

The sad part is that I kind of want to read it now.

Posted February 19, 2008 8:04 AM by Shawn Norris

Diatryma @ 45: True, I did. On the other hand, that particular book doesn't have as much of the magic sword, remember? ;-)

OK, how about Young officer in space navy gets on bad side of admirals and is sent off to punishment tour, stumbles upon invasion plans, has fight to death against larger ship, and saves the kingdom?

Posted February 19, 2008 8:06 AM by Ginger

Troubled (and romantically frustrated) teenage nobleman turns to life of crime: first interstellar smuggling, then space piracy, then raising a private starfleet, before finally returning home to stand trial for high treason.

And who can forget the one about the elf king who acquires a cursed sword, kills his cousin, exiles himself, then invades his former homeland, before finally killing his best friend in order to change the balance of the universe?

Posted February 19, 2008 8:20 AM by Chris

miriam beetle @#32: indeed I am. I have the 4 original color graphic novels, with the fancy color process that they never re-printed, on my shelf now. Along with the rest of the recent printings in hardback. And yet I am SO not that person. Honest.

Zander @#37: Well...yes, it's scary to contemplate being the subject of such harsh criticism, but that's one of many reasons that sensible writers rely on beta readers and actual real publishing houses to help improve the quality of our writing. Your friends won't make fun of your work, presumably; if your friends all like it, then you send it to a publisher. If a publisher doesn't like it, they send you a rejection and they move right along to the next item in the slush pile. Maybe they even give you some guidance. It's not so bad...as long as you don't hop off the train and go the vanity-press route, which is what this author did. Then your naked unedited first draft is on display for the whole world to see and blog about, and that's never a good idea.

Fragano @#38: It would be a lot cooler if he was.

Posted February 19, 2008 8:22 AM by Mary Dell

She had me at "PublishAmerica".

Posted February 19, 2008 8:28 AM by Tlonista

Zak, at #10, said:

Also, where do I sign up to pay editors an extra stipend for hazard pay?

I know this example is by no means the nadir, and normally I'm one of those people who can look at horrendous photos of trauma and go 'oh man, that's a nasty one!' while eating a plate of kitfo, but I just don't have what it takes to read this stuff.

I don't know. I imagine that reading slush can be something terribly tedious and demoralizing, but honestly? This kind of thing? Not only is it not the nadir, I imagine this could be the (well, you started it) zenith. I mean, next to discovering the Next Great Author, of course. This kind of thing provides you with amusing conversation for the rest of the week, at the very least. And I mean it can't exactly be hard to turn down this kind of manuscript either, I mean this isn't a writer who is almost good, so close it hurts you to say no... no, I really think this kind of thing should be what makes reading slush fun.

Posted February 19, 2008 8:29 AM by Daniel

Mary Dell #49: You have a point. I can say that he is a Krahn, though.

Posted February 19, 2008 8:44 AM by Fragano Ledgister

Did anyone ever put together links to examples of the first thirteen categories in the slushkiller thread? I'm particularly curious about "Functionally illiterate" and "neurochemical disorder."

Posted February 19, 2008 8:49 AM by Scott H

I once came up with an idea for a story involving a werewolf fighter pilot, which was a technothriller that turned into horror at the end. I never wrote it*. However the reason I finally decided not to write it was that the only thing that made sense of the plot is if the bad guys were vampires, and, you know, American Werewolf Fighter Pilot versus Russian Special Forces Vampires sounded a bit much.

--
Exiled stranger seeks out Scientist to give him the power of flight, but they are forced into an unlikely alliance with the rebels when their gothic city is threatened by dream-eaters from another dimension.

* Despite coming up with fairly clever ways to get American fighter squadrons to Siberia and how to deal with flying at full moon.

Posted February 19, 2008 8:50 AM by Neil Willcox

Oooh, actually I do remember a halfway decent book published by a real publisher that had, as protagonist, a pseudo-elvish immortal shapeshifter vampire. In a flashback, we learn that he served as a fighter pilot (with tinted windows?) during the defeat of earth by spiky hivemind aliens. There may also have been telepathy involved.

Posted February 19, 2008 8:58 AM by Nick

Ah Publish America, you live down to your reputation.

Posted February 19, 2008 9:30 AM by Josh Jasper

Ginger @ 47

OK, how about Young officer in space navy gets on bad side of admirals and is sent off to punishment tour, stumbles upon invasion plans, has fight to death against larger ship, and saves the kingdom?

Surely On Basilisk Station. You left out the treecat, though.

Posted February 19, 2008 9:31 AM by Duncan J Macdonald

I'll wait for the movie. (Uwe Boll, are you listening?)

Posted February 19, 2008 9:34 AM by A.R.Yngve

Oooh, oooh:

Girl saved from oppressive family by befriending an intelligent and telepathic horse. Her special gift of empathy gives her high status, and she eventually finds true love and saves the kingdom. Also schoolyard bullying.

I really loved those books when I was in high school. They haven't held up for me, though.

Posted February 19, 2008 9:35 AM by Andrhia

Duncan @ 57: Yes. Yes, I did.

Young officer in space navy, accompanied by empathic alien disguised as pet, gets on bad side of admirals, is exiled to punishment post, stumbles upon invasion plans, fights larger enemy ship in battle to the death, and saves the kingdom."

Much better, eh?

Posted February 19, 2008 9:39 AM by Ginger

Madeline F @ 11

Suggesting Zelazny as the author brings up the possibiliity of Zombie Writers. or Poets.
"Quatraaaaaaaaains!"

A.R. Yngve @ 43

Eternity of Blood Part II: The Bloodening.)

I'm waiting for Part III: The Clotting.

Posted February 19, 2008 9:48 AM by Bruce Cohen (SpeakerToManagers)

Some of these characters need to pair up and fight crime.

Posted February 19, 2008 9:58 AM by Johan Larson

And now, a round of Name that Horrible Story. This is a hard one. Sometime in 1967 I found a copy of a British SF magazine in the photolab of the Army base I was on at the time. I remmeber absolutely nothing about it but the last part of a serial, whose plot was something like:

Earth heros get caught up in a cosmic war between alien races. Battle rages first across Earth, then across the solar system. Ultimately we find out that one race are Devils (who live in universes at energy levels below our own), and Angels (who live at energy levels above us). The metaverse is a series of levels ascending up to the point of infinite power and omniscience at the top. It read like a mashup of "Lensman" and St. Augsutine's cosmology, and there was a new plot device at a higher level of complexity and unbelieveability about every 1,000 words or so. I've never been able to decide if it was sincere or a vast joke. Anyone know the author or title?

Posted February 19, 2008 9:58 AM by Bruce Cohen (SpeakerToManagers)

Neil Wilcox@54: That's never Perdido Street Station?

Posted February 19, 2008 9:59 AM by Tlonista

Ginger: Oh. I was about to confidently state that it was Gur Ibe Tnzr, although on reflection I don't think that has the fight to the death against a larger enemy ship. It does have everything else in the first version of the description; on reflection, I bet there are other books that would also fit that plot.

Relatedly, Chris: The one that ends with the protagonist on trial for high treason is definitely Gur Jneevbe'f Ncceragvpr (and a very good job, there, of making it sound much worse than it is).

Also, people who've been posting plot summaries involving telepathic horses: isn't the point of the game to give bad summaries of good books?

Posted February 19, 2008 9:59 AM by Paul A.

I s'pose that, just for a laugh, one could write something that was the complete antithesis of Eternity of Blood Part... a tale of supernatural failure and impotence:

"Five Seconds of Blood: A socially well-adjusted dwarf is bitten by a werewolf, and spends six months in hospital. The repeated horror of hospital clowns and balloon sculptures turns him bitter and resentful, and he loses all his friends.

"The dwarf werewolf must then spend the rest of his miserable days in a wheelchair. Under the full moon, he makes intensely feeble attempts to attack people, but his wheelchair just keeps falling over..."

Posted February 19, 2008 10:00 AM by A.R.Yngve

Shit, should have rot13'd. Oh well.

Posted February 19, 2008 10:01 AM by Tlonista

ajay @ 34

You remind me that I want to write "Iron Chef", the story of a haute cuisine robot in his battles against fast food and prepared meals.

Posted February 19, 2008 10:03 AM by Bruce Cohen (SpeakerToManagers)

55 -- I'm pretty sure that was "The Madness Season." He wasn't elvish, but he had most of the rest.

That was actually the very first book I ever stayed up all night to read, at fourteen...

Posted February 19, 2008 10:04 AM by UrsulaV

Dave Bell @ 29 -
An Alien Vampire fighter pilot Master Chef?
Sounds not entirely unlike a video game.

Master ChIef, Dave, Master ChIef.

;-D

okay, so he's a "raised almost from birth as a trained killer cyborg special operations powered armor soldier that costs as much as a patrol squadron" not an "Alien Vampire fighter pilot" - if HALO hadn't paved the way (and Cobra by Zahn before that)...

Posted February 19, 2008 10:09 AM by Scott Taylor

Zombies? Have we got zombies? (Looking upthread.) Yes, we do. And telepathic horses. What about telepathic kitties?

Posted February 19, 2008 10:13 AM by Serge

Gayle Greeno wrote a series of novels about telepathic kitties. Possibly they were giant telepathic alien kitties; I'm not sure.

The author of Eternity of Blood, meanwhile, plans sequels!

Posted February 19, 2008 10:20 AM by Dom

Paul @ 65 -- that's not mine, but someone else did use that one. Look at number 48. ;-)

Serge @ 71: Not saying, but check my re-write.

Posted February 19, 2008 10:20 AM by Ginger

I can't think of a single good reason NOT to read this book! I'd be yelling about proper grammar and laughing my ass off until I finished it, and then continue giggling at random intervals for MONTHS. XD (I mean, thinking about Atlanta Nights still brings a grin to my face, and that was what, three years ago?)

Except I don't want to give her any money for it, so that's kind of a problem.

Posted February 19, 2008 10:24 AM by alsafi

And yet it *is* published. I know that it's self-published, and that I'm much more talented, but...I'm still envious. Sigh.

Posted February 19, 2008 10:26 AM by Remus Shepherd

Ginger @ #73:

Yes, #48 is the one I was talking about.

Posted February 19, 2008 10:33 AM by Paul A.

ginger @ 73... So the telepathic putty tats are already in the mix.

Shouldn't Alaric and 10 other elves be involved in a heist organized by George Clooney?

Posted February 19, 2008 10:34 AM by Serge

Remus Shepherd @ #75:

If being self-published is something to be envious of, why not just self-publish something yourself? Then you have parity, and can get on with envying people who have something that's actually out of your reach.

Posted February 19, 2008 10:41 AM by Paul A.

Serge @ 77: ..Ocean's Elven??

Posted February 19, 2008 10:42 AM by Ginger

Tlonista #64 That's never Perdido Street Station?

It isn't? I wonder what i was reading then ;)

I caught a monster-of-the-week film on the Sci-Fi channel a few weeks ago - Mammoth. Having a Mammoth as the monster sounded as though it might be interesting. It turned out to be an alien-possessed soul-sucking zombie mammoth. Chasing Summer Glau.

Of course there were some bad parts to the film as well.

Posted February 19, 2008 10:43 AM by Neil Willcox

Maybe Master Chef can be the sequel's villain, when he captures and threatens to cook the telepathic kittens? Then the other 10 elves can all plot their heist, er, rescue. From Hell, that is, where we find Our Hero brooding over the loss of his wings.

Posted February 19, 2008 10:47 AM by VT

Ginger @ 79... And the sequel would be Ocean's Tw'Elves, of course.

Posted February 19, 2008 10:47 AM by Serge

Shouldn't there be a mummy that can turn into a zombie?

Posted February 19, 2008 10:49 AM by Serge

I must read too much manga. These all seem perfectly readable premises for stories.

Then again, Ranma 1/2 is my all-time favorite comic.

Posted February 19, 2008 10:52 AM by Onion

Remus @75: AFAIK, all you get from PA and its ilk that you can't get from your local print shop or online services like CafePress is an ISBN and a deep sense of embarrassment.

Posted February 19, 2008 10:54 AM by Tlonista

I can see where Summer Glau might redeem some of a film.

Sort of as AlpenGlau can make so-so scenery look wonderful, for a time.

Posted February 19, 2008 10:56 AM by Terry Karney

Unappreciated artist and chef finds her true inner peace in nudism, then becomes mankind's first ambassador to a superintelligent alien species.

Er, is this Sheri Tepper's The Fresco? Because if not, that means there are two of them...

Young officer in space navy gets on bad side of admirals and is sent off to punishment tour, stumbles upon invasion plans, has fight to death against larger ship, and saves the kingdom?

On Basilisk Station

Troubled (and romantically frustrated) teenage nobleman turns to life of crime: first interstellar smuggling, then space piracy, then raising a private starfleet, before finally returning home to stand trial for high treason.

You forgot "and is a physical weakling" for that extra geek appeal.

And who can forget the one about the elf king who acquires a cursed sword, kills his cousin, exiles himself, then invades his former homeland, before finally killing his best friend in order to change the balance of the universe?

Eternal Champion my ass. He was just a whiner.

Girl saved from oppressive family by befriending an intelligent and telepathic horse. Her special gift of empathy gives her high status, and she eventually finds true love and saves the kingdom. Also schoolyard bullying.

That's got to be something by Mercedes Lackey.

"Plucky heroes travel across a fantasy world, encountering strange creatures and languages (invented by the author!) to destroy a magic artifact, while being pursued by Minions of the Dark Lord. They are aided by a King in Exile, an elven archer, and a wizard with a long beard. People sing at them a lot, occasionally in fake languages (invented by the author!). Did we mention the author made up some languages for the book?"

Posted February 19, 2008 10:57 AM by Carrie S.

Serge @ 82: Now you've got me thinking (always a Bad Thing, even more so when I'm home with nothing else to do).

Here we go:
A series of chain stores owned by elves, offering overpriced junk food and coffee at all hours -- "7-Elven"
A semi-documentary about a hair band on the road with their groupies, fighting evil wherever they go -- "It Goes To Elven"
They were holed up in a small room angrily debating justice in their corrupted society -- can they agree on a verdict? -- "Tw'Elven Angry Men"

Posted February 19, 2008 10:58 AM by Ginger

Serge #71: I was hoping for psychopathic kitties, myself...

Posted February 19, 2008 10:59 AM by Fragano Ledgister

Carrie S.@ 87:
Eternal Champion my ass. He was just a whiner.

Oh, that's -- so true. :-) Although I liked the very beginning of the book, with his description of the Camargue.

Yes, that's Gur Neebjf bs gur Dhrra, if I am not mistaken.

Posted February 19, 2008 11:04 AM by Ginger

Non-traditional university student discovers his late uncle (who faked his own death) has been secretly grooming him to be Earth's Ambassador to the Galactic Council on behalf of the Earth, after he manages to recover a Priceless Object, on loan from an Alien Civilization.

Posted February 19, 2008 11:05 AM by Terry Karney

Ginger #88; They were one short of the classic:

Elven Angry Men.

Or even: Ocean's Elven (I don't want to tnink of the plot of that one.)

Or even the story of a football team with magical powers: Legge's Elven.

Posted February 19, 2008 11:05 AM by Fragano Ledgister

Like the old saying goes: "there are no new ideas in SF, it's all about what you do with them". In the same week I read Tad William's awesome debut Tailchaser's Song, I also read a novel titled The Thrall And The Dragon's Heart.

Oddly enough, the latter had much the same overarching plot (at least the goal parts) as Tailchaser, minus the cats. Trouble was, the "screwball" figure was so annoying that by the time he got his Reveal, I didn't even care anymore. Nobody in the story was really worth empathizing with, and the world logic was so weak that the various hostiles blurred into "oh, another monster"....

But hey, it's not just fiction. Many years ago, I read LeVey's The Satanic Bible, and Robert Ringer's Looking out for #1 in the same two-week period. Same ideas, different decorations. (And published within a couple of years of each other.) I wound up not taking either of them too seriously....

Posted February 19, 2008 11:07 AM by David Harmon

Fragano @ 89... Isn't that redundant?

Kittie is genetically designed by evil Doctor Schrodinger. After one session too many inside that box, the kittie's latent teleportation kicks in and it starts killing everybody in the lab. Claudia Black and Dean Cain should be in the cast.

Posted February 19, 2008 11:08 AM by Serge

To remedy the sad lack of amphibians and ancient beasties so far, here's a Science Daily article headlined "Giant Frog Jumps Continents, May Have Eaten Baby Dinosaurs".

Posted February 19, 2008 11:09 AM by Faren Miller

What about telepathic kitties?

If treecats count, yes. :)

Posted February 19, 2008 11:10 AM by Carrie S.

Serge @ 94:
Kittie is genetically designed by evil Doctor Schrodinger

...are you sure?

Posted February 19, 2008 11:10 AM by Ginger

Paul @#78:

Self-publishing has a stigma these days, doesn't it? I have the feeling that if somebody self-publishes, a real editor will never again look at them seriously.

Besides, if I were to self-publish anything, there is a non-zero chance that Yog himself would beat me up. :)

Posted February 19, 2008 11:13 AM by Remus Shepherd

JKRichard (at #19) shouldn't have linked to the Lulu page for this novel as it made me look at the book's description. It's probably not a good idea to be drinking or eating anything as you read this, particularly the last three words.

Gorgeous, Navy Pilot, Gareth Hunter hides his secret well in the light of day.Until a beautiful paranormal investigator crosses his path. The mysterious alien council arrive with an ominous message and sends the couple to the future.Gareth must sacrifice it all, and take up the fangs again. All to stop Damian and prevent the vampire wars, and leaving humans as anything but food.Is he too late as the streets run red with blood, during a hurricane?

Posted February 19, 2008 11:15 AM by Kellie Hazell

Ginger @ 97... The kitty is alive and dead. Zombie kitty.

Posted February 19, 2008 11:18 AM by Serge

Serge #94: Oddly enough, no.

Posted February 19, 2008 11:29 AM by Fragano Ledgister

Kellie @ 99:during a hurricane?

Oh, she forgot "in bed". Right? That's what everyone says at the end of their fortunes.

Now I realize that we must end all our pastiches with "during a hurricane".

"Young officer in space navy...saves the kingdom during a hurricane" -- see? Much better!

Posted February 19, 2008 11:32 AM by Ginger

Going back to Dumas's The Vicomte de Bragelonne now.

As for Oceans Elven, it shall cast Orlando Bloom.

Coz he needs the money.

(*I* liked Elizabeth Town, but the world? Maybe not so much ....)

Love, C.

Posted February 19, 2008 11:34 AM by Constance Ash

And a blurb from hell:

Across time and space, we follow the epic struggles of the sentient trees which founded Galactic civilization... (Don Sakers, The Leaves of October.)

A wisecracking assassin wines, dines, and stir-fries his way across the world of the elves, caught up in the machinations of wizards, undead, and the gods. (Brust's Vlad series)

There's also the classic Village Voice summary of The Wizard Of Oz, but I don't have the exact quote handy....

Satirizing Valdemar is just too easy, especially for the early books. We need some real classics to spoof.

Digression: I note that Kevin Anderson has co-authored a novel which looks like a modern take on Mutant 59: The Plastic Eaters, but apparently reinterpreted as The Oil Eaters. Too bad that a first glance suggests major biochemical screwups. (Gasoline vanishing out of closed car tanks? Oxygen, please! And a little something for that CO2 overpressure...).

Posted February 19, 2008 11:42 AM by David Harmon

Telepathic kitties! P.C. Hodgell -- ounces and Arrin-ken

Ninja kitties! Niven et al.'s Kzinti

Elven kitties! Apparently not unkown in either D&D (not so bad) or fanfic (*shudder*)

Posted February 19, 2008 11:48 AM by Debbie

There's also the classic Village Voice summary of The Wizard Of Oz, but I don't have the exact quote handy....

"Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first person she meets, then teams up with three strangers to kill again."

To the best of my recollection.

Posted February 19, 2008 11:49 AM by Carrie S.

Ginger at 102: Oh, she forgot "in bed".

I'm really surprised that a mention of the hot, potentially back-piercing sex crevette spoilered isn't thrown at us in that book summary. It shows remarkable and uncharacteristic restraint on the author's part that the "in bed" is merely implied. But, then again, this book is in Lulu's "horror" section, so perhaps the lack of explicitness about the sex demonstrates the author understands something about genre distinctions?

I agree, though. "During a hurricane," like chocolate and zombies, just makes everything better.

Posted February 19, 2008 11:55 AM by Kellie Hazell

Fragano 89: Kittons, Fragano. Kittons.

David 104: Would that be "Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets and then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again"? Found it here.

Posted February 19, 2008 11:56 AM by Xopher

Serge @ 100: Let's hope Schroedinger's zombie kitty never teams up with Heisenberg's zombie kitty, because then we'd never know where they were.

Posted February 19, 2008 11:57 AM by Ginger

Kellie @99: Thank you for bravely going to Lulu -- I didn't have it in me.

Gareth must sacrifice it all, and take up the fangs again.

I see. So, saving the world can only be accomplished with the Pointy Dentures of Ultimate Power. During a hurricane.

Posted February 19, 2008 12:00 PM by VT

Bruce Cohen @27: "Immortal curmudgeon wages guerilla war with blue aliens that want sex with humans, fights a deadly hashhish-smoking assassin and a giant zombie, and ends up owning Earth."

I read that, blinked, and thought "There's no . . . oh, yes there is," at least twice. Three cheers for Guvf Vzzbegny.

I'm told that TV Guide once summarized _The Omen II_ as "Parents send teenaged Antichrist to military school."

Posted February 19, 2008 12:02 PM by Tucker

Kittons, Fragano. Kittons.

Kittons, kittins, and kittens?

I used to have a copy of the original 1957 printing, but it's long gone, alas. I love that book.

Posted February 19, 2008 12:02 PM by Carrie S.

I think it would be well-nigh impossible to write a book with telepathic horses in it that would be a good book, for adults anyway, he wrote, realizing even as he did that he quite enjoyed Rider at the Gate and Cloud's Rider, even though they were fantasy-horror plots thinly enrobed in an SF shell.

Posted February 19, 2008 12:02 PM by Xopher

Steven Erickson seems to be pretty much made for this. I nearly did give up on the Malazan Books simply because Anomander Rake was, at first glance, a shameless mashup of Elric and Drizzt Do'Urden (with flying castle! and he can turn into a dragon!) that would have done discredit to any fanfic.

Posted February 19, 2008 12:03 PM by Shem

That summary sounds like every "Damn the torpedos, just keep writing!" trick ever devised for NaNoWriMo, all thrown together.

Except the ninjas and the monkeys. I can't believe he forgot the ninjas and the monkeys.

Posted February 19, 2008 12:04 PM by Jen Roth

Adding "during a hurricane" to #48 is just..wow.

An uncultured barbarian warrior from the north makes his way through wine, women, and song, defeating hellish creatures along the way, to become king of a rich country..during a hurricane.

Hm.

Posted February 19, 2008 12:07 PM by Ginger

Xopher #100: How could I have forgotten Cordwainer Smith!?

Posted February 19, 2008 12:08 PM by Fragano Ledgister

Tucker @ 111... blue aliens that want sex with humans

Isn't that the plot of Earth Girls Are Easy?

Posted February 19, 2008 12:09 PM by Serge

Bruce @27, Tucker @111: I thought this was Irahf ba gur Unys-Furyy -- which I haven't read in years, come to think of it.

Posted February 19, 2008 12:11 PM by Ginger

"Know, oh prince, that between the years when the oceans drank Atlantis in a hurricane and the gleaming cities, and the years of the rise of the Sons of Aryas, there was an Age undreamed of..."

Posted February 19, 2008 12:12 PM by Serge

Constance Ash #103: Not George Clooney?

Posted February 19, 2008 12:12 PM by Fragano Ledgister

In the midst of a terrible war, a community in the disputed territory struggles to survive attempts from both sides to destroy it. The amnesiac hero must fight his former comrades and team up with his former abuser to save the day.

Posted February 19, 2008 12:14 PM by Xopher

In a socialist paradise, aliens bring war and new technology. Our anti-hero, a lowly serf, stumbles through battle and accidentally saves the day when he rescues the kidnapped princess. Along the way, other species are persuaded to assist, and gourmet food is consumed in large quantities.

I wonder how many will get this one?

Posted February 19, 2008 12:20 PM by Ginger

"I can’t think of a single good reason to read this book.

I read Flight; I feel that I do not have to read anything else in that genre for the rest of my life. (Said genre being "painfully bad, with limited amusement value.")

Posted February 19, 2008 12:29 PM by Velma

Rats, Carrie, you beat me to parodying the LoTR series.

Here's an oldie but goodie:

"Space hero gets superdevice, joins galactic super-police force, fights evil villains and saves the universe, not once, not Twice, but MANY TIMES! Inconceivable!"

Posted February 19, 2008 12:31 PM by John L

Ginger @ 123... Star Wars?

Posted February 19, 2008 12:31 PM by Serge

Serge @ 126:

Oooh..no. I should have done that one.

Posted February 19, 2008 12:32 PM by Ginger

Kitton - the fundamental particle of cattishness. (Discovered in 1983. Previously, the smallest possible feline particle was believed to be the cation.)

Posted February 19, 2008 12:37 PM by ajay

Young man meets his father's ghost, swears to avenge him, succeeds but gets his girlfriend killed in the process, then her brother swears to avenge her. Everybody dies, without the help of a hurricane.

Posted February 19, 2008 12:40 PM by Serge

Serge, Hamlet!

Posted February 19, 2008 12:49 PM by Carrie S.

Re 123: perhaps I should have said "kidnapped heiress.

..and I forgot the hurricane, again.

Posted February 19, 2008 12:54 PM by Ginger

Serge, but Ophelia drowns, so a bad fanfic recounting of the tale could indeed stretch that event into Death by Hurricane.

Posted February 19, 2008 12:56 PM by Kellie Hazell

Okay, this is a stretch, but I think the sentiment makes it worthy: Resident Elven: The Extinction

Posted February 19, 2008 1:00 PM by Lance Weber

Kitchen servant schemes to seduce the lord's daughter and rule the castle (which is flooded by a hurricane)

Posted February 19, 2008 1:02 PM by Jon Meltzer

Kitchen servant schemes to seduce the lord's daughter and rule the castle

Would that be Gormenghast et seq.?

Posted February 19, 2008 1:06 PM by Carrie S.

ajay 128: So a full-grown cat would be a kitteme? And each kitteme would be spelled out in kittons on the kittemic stratum? And the study of how that's done would be called kittemics. And the study of the various shapes into which cats can twist themselves should probably be called morphokittemics, though that might be going too far.

OTOH, taking a more physical viewpoint, what would happen if you bombarded, say, a beagle puppy with kittons? Would you get a dog who can go in a box, or a cat who bays at the moon?

Posted February 19, 2008 1:08 PM by Xopher

You know, I bet it would be brilliant in the hands of, say, Gene Wolfe.

It was. At least if "Dream-Walking Shape-Shifting Space Vampires from the Green Planet!" Counts.

Posted February 19, 2008 1:10 PM by straight

Teenager acquires NASA EVA equipment then disappears for lengthy period with young girl. He claims they were kidnapped by evil aliens then rescued by good aliens after timely deployment of his EVA gear. He then claims to have saved the world with his gift of oratory.

Posted February 19, 2008 1:11 PM by Lance Weber

OTOH, taking a more physical viewpoint, what would happen if you bombarded, say, a beagle puppy with kittons?

Complete catastrophe.

If you bombard a beagle puppy with ducks, on the other hand, the noise it gives off is known as a quark.

Posted February 19, 2008 1:12 PM by ajay

A young girl, parted from her brother by a storm at sea, is trapped in a hostile land: disguising herself as a boym, she takes service with the local tyrant, finds herself trapped in a sexually ambiguous menage a trois, and is only rescued from lesbian lust by the return of her brother.

Not quite a hurricane.

Posted February 19, 2008 1:12 PM by Dave Bell

This just in from Crevette: the dog still boofs.

Posted February 19, 2008 1:12 PM by Kellie Hazell

The "immortal curmudgeon" motif was giving me an itch until I realized it reminded me too much of "Immortal Beloved", the movie about Beethoven and "Für Elise", with Gary Oldham as the curmudgeon, er composer.

Posted February 19, 2008 1:12 PM by Bruce Cohen (SpeakerToManagers)

Wait..I thought kitteme was a kitton-kitton double bond. Kittohol, on the other hand, is much more fun.

Posted February 19, 2008 1:13 PM by Ginger

#138: Teenager ends up flipping burgers.

Posted February 19, 2008 1:14 PM by Jon Meltzer

Madeline F. @ #11: Okay. Hmmmm.

Snarky wizard with hunky vampire brother and cute pets fights crime.

Abused orphan boy learns he really is special and important when he develops magic powers.

Handsome college professor takes time off teaching to fight Nazis and save the world.

And, of course, my favorite, which I'm paraphrasing from memory from J. Michael Straczynski's scriptwriting book: Male meets female. Male pursues female. Male dies for love of female. Q: Is this Romeo and Juliet or King Kong? A: Yes.

Posted February 19, 2008 1:15 PM by Katherine Mankiller

I am Archamedes, high priest of Atlantis. I was born to a life of spirituality, power, and magic. Me, being high priest of Atlantis, omly I had the privaledge of knowing the secret to eternal life and how to change my appearance at will. In a hurricane.

Posted February 19, 2008 1:16 PM by Joel Polowin

Lance 138: Unir Fcnprfhvg, Jvyy Geniry.

Posted February 19, 2008 1:17 PM by Xopher

Madeline F. @ #11: Okay. Hmmmm.

Snarky wizard with hunky vampire brother and cute pets fights crime.

Abused orphan boy learns he really is special and important when he develops magic powers.

Handsome college professor takes time off teaching to fight Nazis and save the world.

And, of course, my favorite, which I'm paraphrasing from memory from J. Michael Straczynski's scriptwriting book: Male meets female. Male pursues female. Male dies for love of female. Q: Is this Romeo and Juliet or King Kong? A: Yes.

Posted February 19, 2008 1:17 PM by Katherine Mankiller

#140: Twelfth Night.

Posted February 19, 2008 1:18 PM by Jon Meltzer

Nobody has brought up The Tempest yet. I can't remember if the titular disturbance was a hurricane.

Posted February 19, 2008 1:20 PM by Serge

Ginger 143: That's kittene. And a cat chasing its tail is cyclokittene. And if a cat is used in baneful magic that's hexakittene.

Posted February 19, 2008 1:20 PM by Xopher

Katherine 148: I can't get the snarky wizard, but the other two are Fgne Jnef and Vaqvnan Wbarf respectively.

Posted February 19, 2008 1:24 PM by Xopher

For Serge: (I swear I almost had this posted before you wrote your last commen