You had me at "planet Telvron".

He's also a Master Chef in the cuisine of three planetary systems, and an excellent golfer.

Ugh, I hate stories about writers.

You forgot: also drives Indy cars on weekends.

I read the second review. I think I can skip that book. (But I got the e-mail this evening that my pb copy of Grease Monkey is coming RSN, so I won't be lacking for reading.)

Oh, my mistake. That's the sequel.

Reading those passages I've learned that I really don't have the constitution for reading unfiltered prose. Really. Don't.

Also, where do I sign up to pay editors an extra stipend for hazard pay?

I know this example is by no means the nadir, and normally I'm one of those people who can look at horrendous photos of trauma and go 'oh man, that's a nasty one!' while eating a plate of kitfo, but I just don't have what it takes to read this stuff.

On the other hand, maybe this means I need to develop callouses on my delicate sensibilities.

We could probably have a great parlor game of making good books sound as fanficcy-terrible as possible. "Tormented bisexual military genius in line for the throne of a planet meets brilliant redheaded wisecracking explorer and saves her from sex fiends!"

> You know, I bet it would be brilliant in the hands of, say, Gene Wolfe.

That's funny - I was just thinking of Michael Swanwick for that job - after all he's already sorta kinda done half elven fighter pilots in _The Dragons of Babel_ (which I unreservedly recommend, btw).

Besides, I'm holding Gene Wolfe in reserve as the only person capable of tackling "Lone space crash survivors who just happen to be called A'dam and E've".

> We could probably have a great parlor game of making good books sound as fanficcy-terrible as possible. "Tormented bisexual military genius in line for the throne of a planet meets brilliant redheaded wisecracking explorer and saves her from sex fiends!"

"Immortal curmudgeon dumps anecdotes for hundreds of pages and has sex with his twin redheaded sisters and redheaded mother".

Oh hang on - that one *was* rubbish.

I actually did pick up _Barrayar_ and think it looked like junk - fortunately the collective wisdom of the net steered me back to it, and convinced me to have a go.

To avoid conflicts with Warner Brothers, shouldn't it be renamed the Ne Plus Ultra?

What do we have for a cover this time?">

Lame.

Didn't even add drop-shadows to the font. *sigh*

We could probably have a great parlor game of making good books sound as fanficcy-terrible as possible.

Ooo, brilliant! Wish I could figure out which one you're referencing...redheads, trying to remember any redheads.

Spacefaring elf crashes in a flying space castle, turns into a wolf and gives birth to a half-wolf, half-elf who becomes a warrior and founds a tribe of elves who ride wolves.

I never went in for elves, myself--my alter egoes generally got made into cyborgs. Still do, actually.

*unless you had it published through a vanity press, of course

Mary Dell, that's a reference to Heinlein, Time Enough for Love, where Our Hero has sex with his twin red-headed clone-sisters (and it's not masturbation because?) and his mother. It's not until the sequel that his mother has sex with her father. It's a family affair.

John Melzer @ 18
And where are the clones, there ought to be clones,
I think that they're here.

"Immortal curmudgeon wages guerilla war with blue aliens that want sex with humans, fights a deadly hashhish-smoking assassin and a giant zombie, and ends up owning Earth."

Sounds not entirely unlike a video game

Benzene

and...

Lymph!

Spacefaring elf crashes in a flying space castle, turns into a wolf and gives birth to a half-wolf, half-elf who becomes a warrior and founds a tribe of elves who ride wolves.

my first & probably last time to be the one to guess a reference correctly in a ml parlour game (i suppose i get points for putting myself out there & guessing incorrectly once)...

but you are talking about wendy & richard pini's elfquest.

her mary sue was named willow bay. no kidding. we teased her sooo baaad for that.

maybe why she never wrote any more fanfic. hmm.

Editors of the world: if you have to read this sort of thing for a living, you are earning your pay.

An angelic semi-deity . . . what does he/she/it need with an F16 anyway? Aren't their own wings enough? He's got a hard point to attach his external weaponry . . . or maybe we won't go there.

Am I that bad? I don't know. Not in those specific ways, maybe. I think. But then, I don't suppose Ms Graham thinks she's that bad either.

I do not believe that he is an elf, vampire, or werewolf, though.

Has somebody called the agents of Richard Basehart and Elizabeth Montgomery yet? And have you noticed the Google ad forNBC.com? How à propos.

Or Mark E. Rogers, with the super-elf having a short and fatal encounter with Samurai Cat.

But I must know: will Alaric vote Democrat or Republican? His choice would -- naturally -- determine the outcome of the '08 election.

(Oh, we'll find out in the sequel, Eternity of Blood Part II: The Bloodening.)

Let's see: Mercenary with a heart of gold and a troop of loyal honest and honorable mercenaries comes to the aid of folks with telepathic white horses in a war against true evil, and finds True Love on the battlefield.

:-)

I'm having trouble coming up with anything. "Anne McCaffrey/Patrick O'Brian crossover!" is practically the official line. "Boy raised by aliens returns to earth, saves the world, listens to/performs a lot of monologues, sleeps with every single person except the religious villain, and..." no, I do not have the love for Heinlein that is necessary for this. "[entire body of folklore] crossover, with pastiches!" might, maybe, work, except I haven't read the second book.

OK, how about Young officer in space navy gets on bad side of admirals and is sent off to punishment tour, stumbles upon invasion plans, has fight to death against larger ship, and saves the kingdom?

And who can forget the one about the elf king who acquires a cursed sword, kills his cousin, exiles himself, then invades his former homeland, before finally killing his best friend in order to change the balance of the universe?

Zander @#37: Well...yes, it's scary to contemplate being the subject of such harsh criticism, but that's one of many reasons that sensible writers rely on beta readers and actual real publishing houses to help improve the quality of our writing. Your friends won't make fun of your work, presumably; if your friends all like it, then you send it to a publisher. If a publisher doesn't like it, they send you a rejection and they move right along to the next item in the slush pile. Maybe they even give you some guidance. It's not so bad...as long as you don't hop off the train and go the vanity-press route, which is what this author did. Then your naked unedited first draft is on display for the whole world to see and blog about, and that's never a good idea.

Fragano @#38: It would be a lot cooler if he was.

Also, where do I sign up to pay editors an extra stipend for hazard pay?

I know this example is by no means the nadir, and normally I'm one of those people who can look at horrendous photos of trauma and go 'oh man, that's a nasty one!' while eating a plate of kitfo, but I just don't have what it takes to read this stuff.

I don't know. I imagine that reading slush can be something terribly tedious and demoralizing, but honestly? This kind of thing? Not only is it not the nadir, I imagine this could be the (well, you started it) zenith. I mean, next to discovering the Next Great Author, of course. This kind of thing provides you with amusing conversation for the rest of the week, at the very least. And I mean it can't exactly be hard to turn down this kind of manuscript either, I mean this isn't a writer who is almost good, so close it hurts you to say no... no, I really think this kind of thing should be what makes reading slush fun.

--
Exiled stranger seeks out Scientist to give him the power of flight, but they are forced into an unlikely alliance with the rebels when their gothic city is threatened by dream-eaters from another dimension.

* Despite coming up with fairly clever ways to get American fighter squadrons to Siberia and how to deal with flying at full moon.

OK, how about Young officer in space navy gets on bad side of admirals and is sent off to punishment tour, stumbles upon invasion plans, has fight to death against larger ship, and saves the kingdom?

Surely On Basilisk Station. You left out the treecat, though.

Girl saved from oppressive family by befriending an intelligent and telepathic horse. Her special gift of empathy gives her high status, and she eventually finds true love and saves the kingdom. Also schoolyard bullying.

I really loved those books when I was in high school. They haven't held up for me, though.

Young officer in space navy, accompanied by empathic alien disguised as pet, gets on bad side of admirals, is exiled to punishment post, stumbles upon invasion plans, fights larger enemy ship in battle to the death, and saves the kingdom."

Much better, eh?

Suggesting Zelazny as the author brings up the possibiliity of Zombie Writers. or Poets.
"Quatraaaaaaaaains!"

A.R. Yngve @ 43

Eternity of Blood Part II: The Bloodening.)

I'm waiting for Part III: The Clotting.

Earth heros get caught up in a cosmic war between alien races. Battle rages first across Earth, then across the solar system. Ultimately we find out that one race are Devils (who live in universes at energy levels below our own), and Angels (who live at energy levels above us). The metaverse is a series of levels ascending up to the point of infinite power and omniscience at the top. It read like a mashup of "Lensman" and St. Augsutine's cosmology, and there was a new plot device at a higher level of complexity and unbelieveability about every 1,000 words or so. I've never been able to decide if it was sincere or a vast joke. Anyone know the author or title?

Relatedly, Chris: The one that ends with the protagonist on trial for high treason is definitely Gur Jneevbe'f Ncceragvpr (and a very good job, there, of making it sound much worse than it is).

Also, people who've been posting plot summaries involving telepathic horses: isn't the point of the game to give bad summaries of good books?

"Five Seconds of Blood: A socially well-adjusted dwarf is bitten by a werewolf, and spends six months in hospital. The repeated horror of hospital clowns and balloon sculptures turns him bitter and resentful, and he loses all his friends.

"The dwarf werewolf must then spend the rest of his miserable days in a wheelchair. Under the full moon, he makes intensely feeble attempts to attack people, but his wheelchair just keeps falling over..."

You remind me that I want to write "Iron Chef", the story of a haute cuisine robot in his battles against fast food and prepared meals.

That was actually the very first book I ever stayed up all night to read, at fourteen...

Master ChIef, Dave, Master ChIef.

;-D

okay, so he's a "raised almost from birth as a trained killer cyborg special operations powered armor soldier that costs as much as a patrol squadron" not an "Alien Vampire fighter pilot" - if HALO hadn't paved the way (and Cobra by Zahn before that)...

The author of Eternity of Blood, meanwhile, plans sequels!

Serge @ 71: Not saying, but check my re-write.

Except I don't want to give her any money for it, so that's kind of a problem.

Yes, #48 is the one I was talking about.

Shouldn't Alaric and 10 other elves be involved in a heist organized by George Clooney?

If being self-published is something to be envious of, why not just self-publish something yourself? Then you have parity, and can get on with envying people who have something that's actually out of your reach.

It isn't? I wonder what i was reading then ;)

I caught a monster-of-the-week film on the Sci-Fi channel a few weeks ago - Mammoth. Having a Mammoth as the monster sounded as though it might be interesting. It turned out to be an alien-possessed soul-sucking zombie mammoth. Chasing Summer Glau.

Of course there were some bad parts to the film as well.

Then again, Ranma 1/2 is my all-time favorite comic.

Sort of as AlpenGlau can make so-so scenery look wonderful, for a time.

Er, is this Sheri Tepper's The Fresco? Because if not, that means there are two of them...

Young officer in space navy gets on bad side of admirals and is sent off to punishment tour, stumbles upon invasion plans, has fight to death against larger ship, and saves the kingdom?

On Basilisk Station

Troubled (and romantically frustrated) teenage nobleman turns to life of crime: first interstellar smuggling, then space piracy, then raising a private starfleet, before finally returning home to stand trial for high treason.

You forgot "and is a physical weakling" for that extra geek appeal.

And who can forget the one about the elf king who acquires a cursed sword, kills his cousin, exiles himself, then invades his former homeland, before finally killing his best friend in order to change the balance of the universe?

Eternal Champion my ass. He was just a whiner.

Girl saved from oppressive family by befriending an intelligent and telepathic horse. Her special gift of empathy gives her high status, and she eventually finds true love and saves the kingdom. Also schoolyard bullying.

That's got to be something by Mercedes Lackey.

"Plucky heroes travel across a fantasy world, encountering strange creatures and languages (invented by the author!) to destroy a magic artifact, while being pursued by Minions of the Dark Lord. They are aided by a King in Exile, an elven archer, and a wizard with a long beard. People sing at them a lot, occasionally in fake languages (invented by the author!). Did we mention the author made up some languages for the book?"

Here we go:
A series of chain stores owned by elves, offering overpriced junk food and coffee at all hours -- "7-Elven"
A semi-documentary about a hair band on the road with their groupies, fighting evil wherever they go -- "It Goes To Elven"
They were holed up in a small room angrily debating justice in their corrupted society -- can they agree on a verdict? -- "Tw'Elven Angry Men"

Oh, that's -- so true. :-) Although I liked the very beginning of the book, with his description of the Camargue.

Yes, that's Gur Neebjf bs gur Dhrra, if I am not mistaken.

Elven Angry Men.

Or even: Ocean's Elven (I don't want to tnink of the plot of that one.)

Or even the story of a football team with magical powers: Legge's Elven.

Oddly enough, the latter had much the same overarching plot (at least the goal parts) as Tailchaser, minus the cats. Trouble was, the "screwball" figure was so annoying that by the time he got his Reveal, I didn't even care anymore. Nobody in the story was really worth empathizing with, and the world logic was so weak that the various hostiles blurred into "oh, another monster"....

But hey, it's not just fiction. Many years ago, I read LeVey's The Satanic Bible, and Robert Ringer's Looking out for #1 in the same two-week period. Same ideas, different decorations. (And published within a couple of years of each other.) I wound up not taking either of them too seriously....

Kittie is genetically designed by evil Doctor Schrodinger. After one session too many inside that box, the kittie's latent teleportation kicks in and it starts killing everybody in the lab. Claudia Black and Dean Cain should be in the cast.

If treecats count, yes. :)

...are you sure?

Self-publishing has a stigma these days, doesn't it? I have the feeling that if somebody self-publishes, a real editor will never again look at them seriously.

Besides, if I were to self-publish anything, there is a non-zero chance that Yog himself would beat me up. :)

Gorgeous, Navy Pilot, Gareth Hunter hides his secret well in the light of day.Until a beautiful paranormal investigator crosses his path. The mysterious alien council arrive with an ominous message and sends the couple to the future.Gareth must sacrifice it all, and take up the fangs again. All to stop Damian and prevent the vampire wars, and leaving humans as anything but food.Is he too late as the streets run red with blood, during a hurricane?

Oh, she forgot "in bed". Right? That's what everyone says at the end of their fortunes.

Now I realize that we must end all our pastiches with "during a hurricane".

"Young officer in space navy...saves the kingdom during a hurricane" -- see? Much better!

As for Oceans Elven, it shall cast Orlando Bloom.

Coz he needs the money.

(*I* liked Elizabeth Town, but the world? Maybe not so much ....)

Love, C.

Across time and space, we follow the epic struggles of the sentient trees which founded Galactic civilization... (Don Sakers, The Leaves of October.)

A wisecracking assassin wines, dines, and stir-fries his way across the world of the elves, caught up in the machinations of wizards, undead, and the gods. (Brust's Vlad series)

There's also the classic Village Voice summary of The Wizard Of Oz, but I don't have the exact quote handy....

Satirizing Valdemar is just too easy, especially for the early books. We need some real classics to spoof.

Digression: I note that Kevin Anderson has co-authored a novel which looks like a modern take on Mutant 59: The Plastic Eaters, but apparently reinterpreted as The Oil Eaters. Too bad that a first glance suggests major biochemical screwups. (Gasoline vanishing out of closed car tanks? Oxygen, please! And a little something for that CO2 overpressure...).

Ninja kitties! Niven et al.'s Kzinti

Elven kitties! Apparently not unkown in either D&D (not so bad) or fanfic (*shudder*)

"Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first person she meets, then teams up with three strangers to kill again."

To the best of my recollection.

I'm really surprised that a mention of the hot, potentially back-piercing sex crevette spoilered isn't thrown at us in that book summary. It shows remarkable and uncharacteristic restraint on the author's part that the "in bed" is merely implied. But, then again, this book is in Lulu's "horror" section, so perhaps the lack of explicitness about the sex demonstrates the author understands something about genre distinctions?

I agree, though. "During a hurricane," like chocolate and zombies, just makes everything better.

David 104: Would that be "Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets and then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again"? Found it here.

Gareth must sacrifice it all, and take up the fangs again.

I see. So, saving the world can only be accomplished with the Pointy Dentures of Ultimate Power. During a hurricane.

I read that, blinked, and thought "There's no . . . oh, yes there is," at least twice. Three cheers for Guvf Vzzbegny.

I'm told that TV Guide once summarized _The Omen II_ as "Parents send teenaged Antichrist to military school."

Kittons, kittins, and kittens?

I used to have a copy of the original 1957 printing, but it's long gone, alas. I love that book.

Except the ninjas and the monkeys. I can't believe he forgot the ninjas and the monkeys.

An uncultured barbarian warrior from the north makes his way through wine, women, and song, defeating hellish creatures along the way, to become king of a rich country..during a hurricane.

Hm.

Isn't that the plot of Earth Girls Are Easy?

I wonder how many will get this one?

I read Flight; I feel that I do not have to read anything else in that genre for the rest of my life. (Said genre being "painfully bad, with limited amusement value.")

Here's an oldie but goodie:

"Space hero gets superdevice, joins galactic super-police force, fights evil villains and saves the universe, not once, not Twice, but MANY TIMES! Inconceivable!"

Oooh..no. I should have done that one.

..and I forgot the hurricane, again.

Would that be Gormenghast et seq.?

OTOH, taking a more physical viewpoint, what would happen if you bombarded, say, a beagle puppy with kittons? Would you get a dog who can go in a box, or a cat who bays at the moon?

It was. At least if "Dream-Walking Shape-Shifting Space Vampires from the Green Planet!" Counts.

Complete catastrophe.

If you bombard a beagle puppy with ducks, on the other hand, the noise it gives off is known as a quark.

Not quite a hurricane.

Snarky wizard with hunky vampire brother and cute pets fights crime.

Abused orphan boy learns he really is special and important when he develops magic powers.

Handsome college professor takes time off teaching to fight Nazis and save the world.

And, of course, my favorite, which I'm paraphrasing from memory from J. Michael Straczynski's scriptwriting book: Male meets female. Male pursues female. Male dies for love of female. Q: Is this Romeo and Juliet or King Kong? A: Yes.

Snarky wizard with hunky vampire brother and cute pets fights crime.

Abused orphan boy learns he really is special and important when he develops magic powers.

Handsome college professor takes time off teaching to fight Nazis and save the world.

And, of course, my favorite, which I'm paraphrasing from memory from J. Michael Straczynski's scriptwriting book: Male meets female. Male pursues female. Male dies for love of female. Q: Is this Romeo and Juliet or King Kong? A: Yes.

Noble sorcerer is deposed and exiled on a remote island with his daughter. Years later a hurricane wrecks a ship carrying the son of his enemy, who also lands on the island. Aided by his familiar, a tree spirit, the sorcerer plots to regain his kingdom and take revenge on his enemies. His ambitions are jeopardized by an inhabitant of the island whom he has manipulated and mistreated.

Joel: sending virtual garlic your way. The undead, indeed.

The Vaqvnan Wbarf films.

"Farm boy discovers he's the heir to special powers when a mysterious old man shows up and whisks him off on a quest to rescue a princess."

Well, I suggest Adam And Steve, and the name of their ship is named the Acne. Why? Because they are nerdy teenage homosexual geniuses, who, to escape the relentless taunting of the jocks at their high school built it, and named it after their unique skin affliction to remind them why they should never go back. Now they have crash landed on a planet that exists as a sort of Counter-Earth, permanently hidden from Earth's view by orbiting behind the sun.

(Actually, that's rather original...)

Boy becomes best swordsman in the world, sends his avatar to another reality, boards enemy ship to rescue long lost love, battles villains and foils their evil plot to enslave the world's population.

as Doorways in the Sand? I read this in junior high, and then read everything I could find by Zelazny, including some that I might have enjoyed more if I'd waited another year or two.

How about:
Child is bred, watched over, trained and lied to, until he becomes the repulsive hero the planet needs.

A.R. 161: Tvytnzrfu.

Transsexual android hero/ine must save religious neo-luddite backwater from space aliens out to destroy humanity. Now with added battles on the high seas!

There's also:

Alcoholic policeman and his motley band of subordinates (one who may or may not be king) must save the city from a dragon.

And:

Cynical foul-mouthed journalist in the near-future takes on evil politician and wins.

Still no snarky wizard?

also, off-topic but:

scoundrel steals fruit, apologizes insincerely.

Katherine @164, Carrie @157: I was actually going to guess Gur Orytnevnq

hmm, too long. I think I find this game too constricting.

* splort! *

New keyboard, quick.

bryan 171: N Zvqfhzzre Avtug'f Qernz and Guvf vf Whfg gb Fnl...and that last is bloody brilliant!

A girl lands on an alien world, kills the evil overlord, and is sent on another assassination mission.

Engineered world in which magic coexists with technology; our heroes fight their way to the center where the god-like controller grants them their dreams. May or may not occur during a hurricane.

Lance @ 163: Fabj Penfu, though you left out "fhcre-travhf unpxre".

Sherrold @ 165: Raqre'f Tnzr, why does it always have to be Raqre'f Tnzr?

Gnaln Uhss'f Oybbq frevrf, but I don't think "Snarky wizard with hunky vampire brother and cute pets fights crime" is the same author's "Smoke and..." series.

bumpkin falls asleep on magic sward, and wakes up a jackass.

N Zvqfhzzre Avtug'f Qernz

And I think Serge's 172 is the Evat Plpyr.

Man's negative emotions give him great power that he uses to catastrophic effect.

lots of freaky kids are borne to rural people and act creepy in unison.

Rod Zombie is the worst porn star name in the Universe.

No, no, what you should have written was:

And yet it *is* finished. I know that it's self-declared-done, and that I'm much more grammatical, but...I'm still envious. Sigh.

Writing not as an unpublished fiction writer (sigh), but as a long-time down-to-my-soul-addicted Reader (Books!), I strongly wish for you to get through your throwaway first million words and become truly published so that I may happily purchase your works--knowing that an editor has declared them to be fine--and add your name to my must-read list.

There's nothing to envy about getting self-published. There is something to envy about having finished a book, because she's done what many writers haven't. Each day for 6 months she sat down and wrote 500 words.

For all that she is entirely tome-deaf, she was able to move on to her next fraction of her one million words. For all the wrongness in that story, in one sense she did do something right--she realized it wasn't worth reworking, and she obviously didn't spend any time doing so.

The self-publishing? Anyone with a spare $100, or spare $2000 if they want to grow the giant spider that is PublishAm, can do that. The finishing of novel, however dreadful, and starting right onto the next one? Too many writers have never done that.

(And if you're close to your throwaway million but aren't getting close to publishable yet, then that's where more classes and Critters and workshops could help, I'd imagine. I wouldn't know, being not at all close to my million words.)

But your second one has been done here and here.

No one's guessed mine at 122: In the midst of a terrible war, a community in the disputed territory struggles to survive attempts from both sides to destroy it. The amnesiac hero must fight his former comrades and team up with his former abuser to save the day.

Misunderstood teen teams up with her genius little brother to save their father and the universe from an evil disembodied brain.

Ginger @ 181: I'm not getting it, though you could almost stretch it to Wnpx bs Funqbjf (s/heroes/hero/ and s/grants them/is defeated to gain his/)

bryan @ 171: (#2) Snrrk, splutter, cough!
bryan @ 179: Fgenatre va n Fgenatr Ynaq; did I see that go by with a different description upthread?

Fhcrezna

"Young girl breaks into and vandalizes the home of non-human sentients"

Xopher, I haven't guessed because I can't quite pin it down. I don't think it's Jngrefuvc Qbja, but that's what keeps overwhelming any thought on the subject.

And I'm stumped by yours, but I'll keep working on it.

A man discovers that his entire world is a lie.

Cliff @182: Ding! I left it out on purpose, it would have been too easy with it

Xopher #188: The best I can do is Avar Cevaprf va Nzore, but I don't think that's it

Sorry Clifton, Neil Wilcox got 179 right. But I am making things sufficiently vague that there is a good chance that multiple books fit.

Actually for #184 the last one is a key for the others. But I think the humor is too quirky.

I thought Zreprqrf Ynpxrl'f Qvnan Grtneqr books.

And no, it isn't Jngrefuvc Qbja, though the one I'm thinking of does have some aba-uhzna punenpgref.

bryan 192: Why it's Znxvat Yvtug, of course!

boorish Dane's eclectic sense of humor chronically misunderstood by normal humans.

171: Where do I send the bill for a new keyboard?

How about:

Washed up old man is picked up and rejuvenated by space travelers, and taken on a journey to encounter an alien species. Evil nazi-esque villains take over his expedition, but he joins forces with a rich young relative to overthrow the evil regime and save the alien species.

Katherine 193: Want a hint? And yours is (among many others) Gur Gehzna Fubj.

Lance 195: No, that's not it.

Andhria @189: N Jevaxyr va Gvzr

Carrie @191: Tbyqvybpxf naq gur Guerr Ornef

Katherine Mankiller (177):
A girl lands on an alien world, kills the evil overlord, and is sent on another assassination mission.
Gur Jvmneq bs Bm

bryan @ 184, no fair - Lance already answered "The Chronicles of G.W. Bush" @ 178. (Your #4 is Gur Puelfnyvqf.)

sherrold: Nope, you were the first. I agree about when one reads Zeleazny. I've still not attempted Creatures of Light and Darkness again.

Clifton @ 190: Gur Jryy Jbeyq frevrf ol Wnpx Punyxre.

Nancy @ 197 -- I'd forgotten about them! Yes, that fits too.

Erqjnyy et al?

It's ROT-13.

"Journalist saves the world repeatedly, and eventually gets the girl."

evil superhuman intelligence inhabiting world-wide electronic communications network aids the mental disintegration of those playing while in fact pretending to be another of the players.

Makes essentially the same pun twice.

(apologizes insincerely itself by saying: "Sorry, couldn't resist")

John Houghton @ #205 - Yep. :)

Another one: It rains a lot. Things get weird.

Until then it sounded a bit like Casablanca, although I couldn't remember an amnesiac hero* in it. But Aba-Uhnza Punenpgref sounds like she should be a half-Indian, half-German villainess** from a 1900-ish British Empire adventure novel.

* One who was trying to forget, yes.
** Or maybe she'll turn good when she meets our rugged, manly hero.

In order to save the world, a brilliant young woman must ally herself with the twin brother of the man imprisoned for the murder of her twin sister.

Astronaut becomes super-intelligent god-like cyborg and saves the entire world while having virtual sex with computer-network reincarnation of his dead ex-lover... in a hurricane!

King Arthur, Merlin, and Morgan le Fay are actually time travellers sent to Earth by rival orders of magicians whose home planet is oddly similar to Wales.

...Also, Morgan le Fay is Canadian. (I think.)

A man learns his entire life is a lie, and he's the messiah?

Cynical foul-mouthed journalist in the near-future takes on evil politician and wins.

Genafzrgebcbyvgna, naturally. Why no mention of the objry qvfehcgbef?!

Also, #247 made me inwardly sigh, "How many times have I read that one..." but I can't think of any examples, drat.

No. No, it isn't good at all. I wonder how long it will be— this time— before I can rouse myself back to setting words down in order again.

Some texts, like this one, are like Uncle Abdul's ancient brain fuzzer, The Necronomicon, and simply shouldn't be allowed near the eyeballs of marginally sane people— lest their carefully balanced personalities tip over, reducing them to howling, maddened primates, stripped of civilizing influences and left to run wild into a future without meaning.

Imagine an endless slushpile, expanding in every possible dimension, at exponentially increasing rates, comprising nothing intelligent— or intelligible— forever. Its singular author, brainless, blind and dumb, surrounded by machinery dedicated to keeping it alive and continuing to write an infinite stream of undead consciousness. Until the stars go dark, and the momentum of the universe resolves to a constant field everywhere.

Yeah. I want to be a part of that. Where do I sign up?

Fgne Gerx: gur Zbgvbayrff Cvpgher

Gur Guveq Cbyvprzna!

One of my recently discovered new favorites.

I am starting to read ROT-13 as clear text.

Katherine 263: zngevk

But what I really want to know is the onomatopoeia in 260...

263: Doh! Gur Zngevk zbivrf.

=czazcDIxNTNlNTa
zUGIhNTd3ASchRDIsUGawM3NrFTNtMTN0gDIwcDIzETL3kCKFBSYzU3NgwyNzMTWgAzNgEWM3QTW.

I don't know how easy it would be to decode, though with the clue that all was done with leetkey, it might be adduceable.

I moved somewhat beyond the literary theme.

There's no hurricane, but it rains a lot. Lots and lots of rain. Dare I say, "on purpose"? Or will that make it worse?

Of course, there's the one where it rains a lot and there's a hurricane, or two, or a few dozen. Completely different book.

I'm impressed.

Zander, #37: The fact that you can conceive of someone doing that to something you've written is actually a fairly strong indicator that it wouldn't happen. If you wrote something that bad, you'd be able to recognize its suckiness and not submit it. One of the common themes in these trainwrecks is that the author cannot imagine how anyone could be less than blown away by his or her Deathless Prose. It's the Dunning-Kruger effect again -- the incompetent can't recognize their own incompetence.

Ginger, #43: By the Sword. Good one!

Nick, #55: That sounds like The Madness Season by C.S. Friedman. And I second the recommendation; it's an excellent example of how potentially-lethal cliches can be made to work well by a competent author. Not to mention having, IMO, the best closing line ever written anywhere... but you have to have read the whole book to understand why it's so perfect.

Andrhia, #59: Oh, that's too easy. Her stuff does all tend to read like fanfic, doesn't it? But she's a helluva storyteller; the books may be fluff, but they still keep me turning pages.

Carrie S., #87: Outstanding!

Remus, #98: Self-publishing has a legitimate place. If you have a small but guaranteed audience for a specialty item, it's a good way to go. Examples: family genealogies, monographs on a subject of interest primarily to a dedicated group (such as Holmesian studies), "Best of [online community]" collections. We've been encouraging Abi to publish a collection of her poetry via Lulu. (hint, hint!) What self-publishing is not good for is making an end-run around rejections from legitimate publishers for something that's intended to be mass-market. And note that there's a difference between self-publishing and vanity publishing; Lulu can be legit, while PA cannot.

Ginger, #116: Conan! That's pretty much the plot of every one of the books, isn't it? And at #123... Erqjnyy?

Serge, #129 and Dave, #140: You're veering out of the territory.

Xopher, #152: Fgne Jnef? Uneel Cbggre was my immediate thought.

Sherrold, #165: Raqre'f Tnzr, surely.

Serge, #172: I love the sneaky pun in the first sentence!

Bryan, #179: Fhcrezna!

Okay, I've got one for you:

"Beautiful, brilliant prodigy (a law student at 15!) discovers that she has telepathic powers. She is kidnapped by ailurin aliens who are out to conquer human civilization, fights a duel to the death with one of them, and exiles them to the far reaches of the galaxy with the help of an underground resistance movement."

Hint #1: Same author as my 247, which was my motive for posting it - it might help someone get that, as with your one that stumped us all so long.

Hint #2: V'ir enagrq ba guernqf va gur cnfg nobhg ubj zhpu V qvfyvxrq guvf cnegvphyne obbx naq jvfurq V pbhyq ha-ernq vg.

How about this: A young man has an awakening, and struggles to find his identity in a rapidly-changing world. Finally he concludes that the world is what he makes it.

;-)

Clifton @ 284: true, there's rain in those, but they have more plot. In this one, it's basically lots of rain and things getting weird. It was a stand-alone book by an author not known for his ability to write stand-alones (at least not since the 1980s).

...into the Undiscovered Country?

#14 T.W: Mua ha ha ha hah!

#16 Teresa: Yes! UST! I don't quite have the proper lingo.

#23 Mary Dell: Nice, that does sound really terrible.

I think the key to making a book sound like crap is to make the protagonist sound totally SUPER AWESOME, with only the cliche bits of dark past if there's anything at all potentially wrong with them, as if you've never heard of shaded characterization... And if there are elves, dragons, telepathic animals, or other possible markers of silliness, mention these prominently. It's also pretty easy to make anything romantic sound ridiculous. Oh, and leave out mention of the actual plot unless you can make it sound as cliche as possible. All cliches all the time!

#62 Johan Larson: Hah! I certainly have "They Fight Crime!" running through my head.

#84 Onion: Good point... Seems like anime has a lot less shame about characters who are flat-out good at everything.

#99 Kellie Hazell: I agree, "during a hurricane" is the awesomest bit of that blurb! So tacked-on! So random!

Serge, #217: I got it, but I figured everyone else would too, so I wasn't explicit. It's gur Neguhevna plpyr, of course.

Xopher, #291: Cnenqvfr Ybfg.

Genius rock-star scientist and martial arts expert saves the world from destruction by inter-dimensional aliens and rescues the kidnapped clone of his dead wife in the process.

Too easy, I'm sure.

You mean like this?:

Red-haired, purple-eyed, magically-talented girl becomes great warrior, saves kingdom.

And #91 Terry Karney! (Maybe I should have some lunch before tackling the thread again.) But did you mention that this student was a master of every subject!! And in trouble with the stodgy administration!! And attacked by a kangaroo!! And the book is full of dramatic edge of the seat cliffhangers so you can't stop turning pages!! And he's fighting an evil telepathic cat!!

That's seriously one of my favorite books ever.

Bingo. The Madness Season I can't seem to lay hands on my copy now, but I remember enjoying it enough to read it through several times as an undergrad. Come to think of it, almost all of C.S. Friedman's books would probably lend themselves to horrible blurbing.

Main character is a tormented, handsome undead murderer...

etc.

Sadly, the capacity for self-awareness of one's own incompetence isn't a particularly good indicator of its absence. It's entirely possible that the subject of our scorn in the original post is fully aware of his/her own abject failure as a writer, and yet still gets a kind of psychological fulfillment from paying good money to a vanity publisher anyway.

Here's another one:

"Tomboy princess runs away from home to become a space pilot. Later, she teams up with a Man of Mystery, a magic-user, and two would-be lovers to unmask the treachery behind her mother's murder."

The overall was: Ernyvgl

the first was Ohfu (or any number of humourous books on extremely unlikely political events)

the second was Purarl be Uhyx

the third was Xnafnf be Puvyqera bs gur Qnzarq

the last one was what it said it was. Basically a meta joke because Rod Zombie would be a bad name for a porn star in this universe, therefore it indicates the overall answer of Ernyvgl.

However this is probably so esoteric that it would only be guessable by me and thus useless.

Madeline F: I should have included some of that (for the, "you must be kidding") but didn't want to make it too obvious.

...maybe if I read more classics and less trash, I'd be better at this game.

My entry at 123 is still confusing people, and that certainly wasn't a classic. ;-) Perhaps that's why no one has figured it out.

Ginger: my snarky answer to #123 is Cnhy Ireubrira'f version of Fgnefuvc Gebbcref, but I very much doubt you were thinking of that.

I'll ROT-13 it here: Engf Ongf naq Ingf, naq Engf, Ongf naq gur Htyl, by Qnir Serre.

Alien child, warrior, prophet... EMPEROR!

A plucky young stowaway and a stoic yet compassionate spaceship pilot form a bond during their short flight that lasts the rest of their lives.

Alien child, warrior, prophet... EMPEROR!

"The Audacity of Hope?"

(j/k)

You'll have to narrow it down a bit...are there worms?

"A precocious alien child-warrior rises as a desert tribe's prophet, then holds the galaxy hostage out of his love for them!"

That's Gur Pbyq Rdhngvbaf ol Gbz Tbqjva and oh my ghu that's brilliant.

But I did have to read a screenplay that sounds very similar. Several times. From different writers.

And I'm sure there might be another one in my current pile o' scripts to read.

Yes, the prose mentioned is awful - amazingly, mind-numbingly awful. However, there's something about the treatment of it which feels unseemly. It reminds me of people discussing an interview of a candidate that was unbelievably unqualified for some job. At some point, it's just kicking a corpse.

That being said, I recognize that there is a difference between, say, doing this to some teenager's first fanfic posted only on their own myspace page, and doing this with the published (albeit self-published) work of some adult above the age of majority. There's also a point to be made that there is some public service component to pointing out to new writers examples of bad writing and saying "don't do this".

Anyway, this is why I'm wondering if someone else has worked through the ethical calculus of the public shredding of bad prose, because I'm having trouble even figuring out what all the relevant variables are.

#145 Katherine Mankiller: Abused orphan boy learns he really is special and important when he develops magic powers. Hah, now that one's brilliantly concise.

#156 Jon Meltzer: I'd been thinking of that since the hurricane came up, too!

344: Fvathynevgl Fxl, of course.

It's the Dunning-Kruger effect again -- the incompetent can't recognize their own incompetence.

At some point, will people just say "DKE" as an insult?

Although LJ is a (semi) public zone, it isn't quite the same thing as a scathing review in the New York Times Book Review, or other critical site. I'm not sure there's anything unethical about criticizing Eternity of Blood, although it could definitely become mean if people start piling on. That's something each reader needs to decide for him/herself.

That sounds to me like a large segment of Obbxf Bar naq Gjb of Pnenqvfr Ybfg

Book we like/d as bad book: A kitchen servant who's actually a lady in semi-exile is whisked away from her old life, then has a telepathic bond with the biggest and bestest dragon of them all. She is eventually able to do things no one else has ever thought of doing (yet which show up in every single book, always marked, "By the way, don't tell anyone we're time-travelers,"), bucks convention by flying her time-traveling dragon with a flamethrower, and saves the planet.

Let's see, the two most recent books I've read are...

Heroic psycho killer encounters inexplicable murders, mind parasites, a rogue cop with mechanical limbs, and a pair of mentally twisted children, while simultaneously trying to save the world from the vengeance of a mad god older than life on earth, and make it to his own wedding on time! In a hurricane! (Really.)

Princess abandoned to aliens by her father and turned into a super-human cyborg, battles her way across a four-dimensional planet, on the way to saving the galaxy from a prehistoric alien monster locked in a crystal prison! (No hurricane, but only because nobody would have noticed it among all the fireworks.)

It seems that using the word "Love," with initial capital, is at least half cheating.

Ross #360: Yes indeed.

Pbafhzr zl urneg njnl, Crea va n tler, naq or gur qentbaevqre bs zl fbhy...

Fanfic often takes shortcuts to get to the writer's buttons. McCaffrey and Lackey were perfect for me years ago, and a lot of what I wrote then was basically taking the big satisfying parts-- Showing Them All, usually-- and putting them in new settings. Even now, I felt cheated when I read a book and realized that there was no possibility of ever Showing Them All, because All of Them were dead. It isn't surprising that the over-the-topness shows up in the books the fanficcers read, but there's a lot of good making the rest of it good instead of ridiculous, even if some of the good only lasts until the reader gets older.

King in attempt to cheat fate and defy prophecy sets in motion events that make certain the outcome he is trying to avoid will happen; screwing up his life, his family and nation. Many die in horribly tragic fashion or are left in a state of wishing they did.

Shit.

Plot taken.

Diatryma, #359: Qentbasyvtug

Let's try one a bit more obscure:

"A young girl is targeted for assassination because of her special potential. She flees across the galaxy, and with the aid of a ring of hackers and an autistic genius -- and her own inner resources -- defeats a highly-placed traitor and finds a safe refuge."

Lee @ 370: Is this Gur Pvgl Jub Sbhtug be Gur Fuvc Niratrq?

This non-human mafia businessman and his reptile sidekick are hired to assassinate one of his boss's party guests to prevent a war.

After being sentenced to death, this backwater tour guide falls in love with a religious figure for whom he must fight a demon. She is killed but later gives birth to their baby from beyond the grave anyway.

Not main characters, but still a fun to try to come up with blurbs:

A flying gay assassin in love with an elf kills his brothers and then uses his magic powers to sing and dance to alleviate his guilt.

A Catholic priest whose split personality is the Pope fights against the church before the cybernetic vampires win by making all Catholics immortal.

I think I looked at that one a couple of years ago in a bookstore, probably on the sale table, if it's the one where she spilled wine on a votive tablet .... It looked mildly interesting, but didn't light up my life enough that I can remember the title.

Shape-shifting spy teams up with religious fanatic aliens to fight off machine-dominated evil empire, narrowly escapes evil empire's destruction of an artificial world, and finally tries to capture one of the evil machine intelligences on a world under the protection of godlike aliens.

In a techno-paradise full of SEX SEX SEX! and clones, a woman is pursued by a madman she met on a foreign holiday. She takes drugs. He likes whipping himself. It ends badly.

Granted mythic powers, a college student encounters demons galore, reptile-men, a wolf, a gorilla, snakes that talk in rhyme, religious fundamentalists and nanotechnological goo. (Naq gung'f whfg va gur svefg gjb ibyhzrf, fvapr V unira'g ernq nal shegure.)

A wizard-king punishes two brothers for raping a girl by turning them into animals and making them mate with each other.

One man's a shabby lower-class policeman who refuses to take bribes. The other's a handsome mercenary lieutenant who got his rank by sleeping with his commanding officer. They have sex and fight crime.

-----

... Wrenching free of Berquist's grip, Jill ducked around him and started towards Valentine. But Johnson's arm swung out viciously, and Jill reeled across the room under the force of the blow. She gasped in pain as the sharp edge of a desktop dug into her hip bone ... then crumpled on the floor into what seemed a pool of blackness.

It must have been just a few seconds until consciousness was drummed back into her head by the staccato sounds of a man's voice.

"All right! What did you do with Johnson?!!"

Jill opened her eyes to see Berquist approaching Valentine with a gun clenched in his fist. Valentine was standing silent and expressionless, seemingly careless of the danger of the situation.

Then Berquist shoved the muzzle of the gun against Valentine's chest and snarled, "You've three seconds, Martian. Talk or --"

Suddenly, Valentine raised his hand... and the last thing Jill remembered was screaming as she saw Berquist disappear into thin air!

In [redacted] Robert Heinlein tells the fabulously exciting story of Ben, Jill, and Valentine Michael Smith -- the sexiest, steak-eatingest, reddest blooded Martian ever. It's three against the universe in a sizzling, suspenseful chase across the American continent.

[Okay, I cheated. That's actually copied from the October-November 1961 SFBC flier.]

Hmm ... Handsome gambler who also happens to be a crack shot and a skillful carpet merchant teams up with a high-level troubleshooter for a crime organization (also handsome and a crack shot) to bring good government to a planet in chaos. But it's all so he can get revenge on the people who wiped out his family!

Rymenhild, the last two of those sound like I might like to read them.

Or did I race through this festival of wackiness trying not to start dinner too late and overlook it?

Gur Png va gur Ung

Joel @ 390: We surrender. You and the SFBC win.

Oh, and in some parts, they fight crime!

Bruce@27: Guvf Vzzbegny, one of my favourites in highschool.

Chris@48: Zvyrf Ibexbfvtna and Ryevp bs Zryavobar?

Roger@335: Gur Pbyq Rdhngvbaf?

Zeke@344: Fvathynevgl Fxl?

How about... An ancient monk with awesome powers of logic and deduction, trained by the greatest masters and aided only by his bumbling apprentice, tracks down a serial killer and the ancient artifact he guards, while wheeling and dealing in international politics!

Ginger and Serge, is the engineered land notable for its, er, very dry hurricanes?

This game is disturbingly addictive.

Serge: Well, Ross just got it. I didn't see anyone else, but it was kinda crazy there for a few hours. And yes.

Rymenhild @401: I think so..it's been so long since I read those books, but that rings a bell. Serge, do you recall?

Ross got it, just above.

I don't think I've seen this much fun here since the House Full of Lords thread, or maybe the worst opening lines contest.

An overweight, middle-aged English teacher is hired by an eccentric and sinister billionaire for literary time-travel to meet a Romantic poet in the year 1810. He--the English teacher, not the billionaire or the poet--is pursued by evil assassins, evil magical clowns on stilts, evil Munchkins, and an evil body-swapping ancient Egyptian werewolf. He is aided by a spunky young woman in drag.

Our hero flees in terror, disguises himself as a beggar, shoots his own ear off, and at last has his body stolen by the evil ancient Egyptian werewolf, winding up in the hairy but basically handsome and studly body that the werewolf last occupied. He acquires a pair of balls and tries to take charge of the plot (about time, too), battling non-evil-but-misguided Gypsies and an evil ancient Egyptian sorcerer on pogo-stick shoes. (Er, the sorcerer was on the pogo-stick shoes, not the hero.) The clone of a different Romantic poet than the first one aids him in his efforts.

After numerous adventures during which he rides in an ice yacht, fences like D'Artagnan, and is shot full of holes, kidnapped, tortured and wounded, our hero succeeds in killing the evil ancient Egyptian sorcerer whose specific gravity is less than that of helium. Then he goes back to London and gets tortured a whole lot more. Then a giant snake decides not to eat him and eats the sorcerer with pogo-stick shoes instead. Our hero and the spunky young woman in drag eventually get their act together and get married. The End.

...There. That was fun.

Hm, here's another one: Young, spunky sorceress must travel across a magic kingdom in search of her imprisoned father, aided by a magical being in the form of a cat, and hindered by an army of the dead.

And your own is another of my favorites of all time--The-ay Ook-bay About-ay The-ay Ab-ay-orsen-hay. (what can I say, rot13 just isn't my style.)

Repeating with additional detail:

"A young girl is targeted for assassination because of her special potential. She flees across the galaxy, and with the aid of a ring of hackers and an autistic genius -- and her own inner resources -- defeats a lethal computer virus and a highly-placed traitor, and finds a safe refuge."

Uh, actually, that sounds right up my alley. I hope you'll post what book that is, rot13ed, of course.

"Bisexual, magically-talented hero defies convention to free his inner powers and restore his lover, an exiled prince, to his rightful throne!"

Good one. I totally failed to get that.

"Brilliant, witty, and rogueish thief travels the breadth of the world repeatedly swindling and besting wizards, monsters, and demons, but ends up back where he started."

Um, not to be eerie, or anything, but this sounds astonishingly like the plot of Sbhpnhyg'f Craqhyhz. Seriously. Check out the synopsis on amazon.com. If the strange games involve feeding things into a giant, mysterious computer…

Still a couple I haven't seen a guess for:

Clifton Royston @ 286: Xnyrvqbfpbcr Praghel
Rymenhild @ 386: is that last one Cbvag bs Yvtugf naq Cbvag bs Qernzf?

And here are two I thought would be really fun to do:

A derided and unorthodox university professor insists the end of civilization is near, and establishs a secret society to take over afterwards. He comes back at times to advise them after his death.

A young woman gets involved in intrigue at a high-tech company and vanishes, leaving her mother and a mystical stranger who is not what he appears to be to find her. The mother soon vanishes as well, leaving the stranger to find them both. Much tea is drunk.

I think I'd have concentrated on how the heroine discovers that her parents are not her parents, and aren't even human, and that she's not as socially adept as others of her age, but has much greater technical aptitude. But no, it's not Revenge of the Nerds.

shoeless cop lacking in grace or social standing nevertheless saves own marriage by thwarting the monetary schemes of non-Americans.

alien with unexplained resemblance to offensive racial stereotypes is hated by all humanity.

Bruce Cohen@428: Your second is Grn jvgu gur Oynpx Qentba, ol E.N. ZnpNibl.

Here's one of mine, a bit more in the "transported to a surreal landscape" vein:

A group of racist Luddites massacres the only ethnic group in favor of technological progress, then stages a coup d'état.

JESR @393 is correct.

Ross Smith @ 395 wins a bouquet for attributing such deep thinking to me. ;-)

Rymenhild @371, haven't read that one yet, but it sounds good -- thanks.

Darned time zones, darned need for sleep! Catching up (and in rot13) is a full-time job on this thread.

Yes, the prose mentioned is awful - amazingly, mind-numbingly awful. However, there's something about the treatment of it which feels unseemly. It reminds me of people discussing an interview of a candidate that was unbelievably unqualified for some job. At some point, it's just kicking a corpse.

That being said, I recognize that there is a difference between, say, doing this to some teenager's first fanfic posted only on their own myspace page, and doing this with the published (albeit self-published) work of some adult above the age of majority. There's also a point to be made that there is some public service component to pointing out to new writers examples of bad writing and saying "don't do this".

Anyway, this is why I'm wondering if someone else has worked through the ethical calculus of the public shredding of bad prose, because I'm having trouble even figuring out what all the relevant variables are./

Well, at Godawful Fan Fiction, Deleterius, and assorted other badfic-mocking sites, the standard is, "Mock the fic, not the author." (This is not always honored, of course, and it becomes extremely difficult when faced with something as loathesomely revealing as, say, the Rose Potter/Girl Who Lived series. Which I would not Google at work, BTW.)

chain smoking, alcoholic, Irish introvert with a nasty temper has a love/hate relationship with his barely literate, semi-hominid gimp. Desperate girl with loose morals is their fag-hag in training. (this one is sort of a cheat, the description of the second character being half based on a remembered description of the second by the first).

Here's another relatively obscure goodie:

Nubile teen growing up in the backwoods of a fragmented United States narrowly avoids shacking up with her own uncle by choosing instead to sleep with the monstrously scarred survivor of a hideous chemical attack.

Technological device designed to end war is misused for political murder. The inventor recruits a goofy young soldier with special powers who battles his nemesis, a killer from a totalitarian regime. The goofy soldier gets the girl, the Commie killer gets enlightenment.

Zack @ #391: Zvyyre naq Yrr, V Qner.
But you lose points for not mentioning the dragon, the half-naked priestess, or the cousin who's formed a bond with a giant alien talking animal.

Lee @ #422: Qvnar Qhnar, Qbbe vagb sver naq frdhryf

bryan @ #437: Gur Zvtugl Obbfu and Oynpx Obbxf?

The game is far from over, though. There are still-unidentified summaries at #200, #216, #261, #272, #360, #374, #385, #386, #388, #426, #431, #432, #434, #439, #441, #443, and #445. (preview) And #446.

Well, except that she knew that all along; it's only other people who make that discovery as the story progresses.

Man has only 4 hours of sleep because, after spending the whole evening putting things together for his tax consultant, he dreamed that he forgot to include something important.

Oh wait. That's not a guess-what. That's why this time it looks like I'm always awake.

To answer yours, I'd say The Last Starfighter.

That summary is like the plot of a good detective novel: impossible to guess in advance, but perfectly obvious (in the best possible way) once you know what the answer is.

As to your guess -- nope!

Waitasec, that one's already been done.

I always meant to read that story, but never got around to it before. Thanks for the nudge.

(I like their choice of sidebar quote, too: "One of her weapons snored. She turned it over.")

Could that be Wnpx bs Funqbjf? (Well, it could be, is that what you intended?)

Four invaders from another world overthrow the established authorities and take over the place, with weapons provided by a powerful overlord who also helps them break dangerous traitors out of imprisonment. The overlord later joins in a peace treaty with the previous government but manages to escape the penalty clause on a technicality. The invaders establish an authoritarian government and squash all dissent, but eventually they leave.

440: Not the one I was thinking of (Gur Puvyqera bs Uheva), but yours works too ...

Spiritually enlightened prince moves to sylvan setting with sweetheart, teams up with wisecracking monkey to fight evil.

cop framed of crime is presumed dead, resides in graveyard and wages war on the underworld.

Eternity of Blood (now with added rhyme)

Gorgeous Navy pilot Gareth Hunter,
his secret hidden in the light of day,
crosses paths with an investigator
of paranormal things along the way.

The alien council descends from above,
with message ominous for one and all.
To the future, our couple now remove,
where Gareth must then sacrifice it all.

To prevent vampire wars and certain fate,
it seems he must take up the fangs again.
As streets run red with blood, is he too late?
(This all takes place during a hurricane.)

(TV) CSI versus vampires.

Am I right in thinking nobody has answered my second one because it's too easy? On the other hand, the first one is intentionally twisted (and a bit of a cheat, since part of it is something you only learn in a different book).

As for ethics, I think anything published (self- or otherwise) is fair game. Whether it's ok to be mean is a moral question, I think, and in a case like this, where someone wants to be a Real Published Author at any cost, I think it's ok to be a little unkind. And really, pointing out that wolves don't smell like strawberries is only a little unkind.

For a masterpiece of the genre, read Fenimore Cooper's Literary Offences by Mark Twain.

bird of ill omen wreaks evil on landsman, farmer, and steed.

Lonely Woman has strange relationship with her dog whom she is continually unsuccessful in providing for, the dog dies and comes back to life, after rebirth it demonstrates unpredictably many of the characteristics of human beings.

Ah, so many books, so little time! I thought of one as I was falling asleep, and I hope no one else posted it:

An alien spaceship has crashed in a remote location. They sent out a distress signal, so our hero is under great pressure to rescue them. Against terrible odds, the mission is a success.

You got it, very good. Thanks for setting me straight on the titles of the Pointsman books; I guess that was my subconcious rebelling against the fact that the third book that Scott and Barnett were writing when Barnett died will never be finished. *sigh*

Bryan@495: Ferqav Infugne

:)

He struggled with cryptic clues in multiple languages, but it was all a dream!

He had sex with numerous legendary women, but it was all a dream!

He infiltrated an anarchist conspiracy and found God, but it was all a dream!

Yes, yes it does. Describing that duration as "the rest of their lives", though, is just mean, in a totally brilliant way. At least if you mean "Gur Pbyq Rdhngvbaf"

A humble yet charismatic genius physicist finds a radical theory that may transform interplanetary society, and must resist both the decadent luxury of high society and the lure of a revolutionary underground before aliens help him return to his impoverished home.

Gur Qvfcbffrffrq. Wow, that word looks odd in rot13.

Dragons couldn't defeat him - but forbidden love did!

Um...Rentba?

A kitchen servant who's actually a lady in semi-exile...saves the planet.

Qentbaevqref bs Crea, complete with squicky sex scenes.

Accidentally time-travelling single mother learns how to put her modern life together after a year in the Roman Empire

Ubhfrubyq Tbqf, which I have never actually read.

A brilliant young woman from the future convinces poorly-educated medieval villagers that she's a saint and accidentally tempts a faithful priest.

Qbbzfqnl Obbx, which is about as non-trashy as it gets. :)

"Alone on the planet of bisexuals, a human must come to terms with his own lust to save the kingdom!"

"A reincarnated High Priestess gives up her temple for the love of a foreign wizard!"

I haven't seen anyone guess my #311 yet.

A former soldier falls for a woman half his age, and tries to kill himself instead. Failing that, he throws himself into his new job and ends up saving the country from a corrupt family of nobles --during a blizzard.

The sequel:
A middle-aged woman travels around the country and falls in love with the first man she meets, who sweeps her off her feet. Sorcery and hijinks ensue, along with mistaken identities, disguises, and "just-missed-'em" scenes. In the end, the evil sorcerers are foiled, and all true lovers reunited."

Of course if I had a Cosmic Mind I would read ROT13 at sight -- probably like everyone else here -- and need only a brief cortico-thalamic pause to tackle RT13 (i.e. disemvowelled ROT13).

Argh, this is driving me nuts. Potentially, both Qhar and Uheevpnar might work, except I can't fit the flying humanoids in.

Dave Langford, you're not alone. I do now independently recognize "the" when I see it ROT13'd, but that's about it.

Protagonist encounters strange meteorological disturbances, soon winds up in a strange place where people dress funny, and where some some humanoids can be seen flying around. Protagonist must stop villain or else there literally won't be a place like home

Oh! Of course. Synfu Tbeqba.

Leet Key lets you bind a keystroke combination to rot13. Since I use a Mac, I have it bound to CTL-L, which is isn't used for anything else, but on most Unix computers that's redraw (or illuminate, as I like to think of it).

albatross @ 500
You are correct. And I'm ashamed to say I recognize that, it's Gvzr Cerffher ol Fcvqre Ebovafba. Damn hippies!

They're getting harder, I think, so I'll do some relatively easy ones (depending on your age):

Millionaire playboy chemist's professional rivalry gets personal when his rival steals his girl and takes her on a long trip.

And in a sequel, cardboard characters explore the fourth dimension.

Local reporter gets a little too involved in his story about a new shop in town and discovers his (and everyone else's) origin story, but never gets to publish.

(Otherwise, due to the sinister effects of Vicodin and heavy antihistamines, I am not actually in possession of a working brain, and in any case need to go check my pregnant cows).

JESR -- daily life could certainly use more Dr. Seuss.

No more takers for 446?

Young girl feels a deep bond with an exotic land; she is kidnapped by a a native prince with magic powers, and discovers her own as they fall in love and Fight Crime, I mean save the country.

I went back to 446 and I still haven't figured it out.

#446 (Debbie)

Technological device designed to end war is misused for political murder. The inventor recruits a goofy young soldier with special powers who battles his nemesis, a killer from a totalitarian regime. The goofy soldier gets the girl, the C/o/m/m/i/e killer gets enlightenment.

(Sorry, I haven't figured out strikethrough in this system.)

Is it something by A.E. van Vogt?

"He's the most brilliant bank robber of a hundred worlds; she's the murderous super-villain he captured and reformed. They fight crime!"

"Brilliant, witty, and rogueish thief travels the breadth of the world repeatedly swindling and besting wizards, monsters, and demons, but ends up back where he started."

Sounds a bit like Uneel Uneevfba'f Fgnvayrff Fgrry Eng.

Dave @ 527: I've had to leave a tab open to ROT-13 just to cut-and-paste my way through these entries. Over time, I've figured out a few of the recurring words, which also helps.

Mind you, the meteorological disturbance doesn't whisk Flash and Dale off to Mongo. The 'hot hail' (whatever that is) forces their plane to crash into the lab of Zarkov, who just happens to be about to launch his rocketship into space, where a wormhole will take them to Mongo. As for the quote, Dale and Flash do find comfort in each other's arms at some point, but he's chained to a dungeon wall, and he has an eyeless bucket on his head.

Dave Langford's 503.3 must be Gur Zna Jub Jnf Guhefqnl. 503.2 sounds like one of Pnoryy's but I'm not sure which. Whetra?

543: Yes to both.

Gur Oyhr Fjbeq! I loved that book. You left out the Cool Horses, though. Speaking of Ebova ZpXvayrl, has anyone else read Sunshine? Deeply, deeply different from her usual stuff (though with a similar "and then the world ended but we were all OK" ending).

"In the intervals of getting stoned and having sex, two con artists run from the couple they conned. Little does anyone know that a pair of time travelers are after them too--and are willing to kill to protect a secret the con artists don't even realize they have! Angst, hurt/comfort, romance, het; warnings: character death, non-con"

A prophet sends a girl on a quest to save the world, but she gets distracted and shacks up with an old man who lusts after her. He two-times her with his dead ex, flirts with a 15-year-old burglar, and all-but-murders his closest relative, yet still expects her to pick up the pieces when he loses his mind.

Ew.

Ginger: The old, deprecated <s> tag is disabled here. You have to use the new, less convenient <strike> tag instead.

How about: Evil genius kills friends, rivals, acquaintances, and millions of strangers, thus saving the world. Formerly fought crime.

Carrie S. @ 549: Sounds like Yvsrubhfr by Fcvqre Ebovafba.

(No, I'm dead serious. I really thought it was "fabj." And I've read the damn story!)

Fxlynex bs Fcnpr
Fxlynex Guerr
Gur Jrncba Fubcf bs Vfure

New one:

He wasn't human - there was something disgusting growing on his head!

Clifton 564: Yes, or "Gvzr/Fgbarf" as the author refers to it.

Epacris 570: Yes, as Ginger guessed at 561.

Hmm. Looks like I need to make these harder.

This is fun! Gratifyingly, most of the ones that stump me turn out to be things I've never read.

The young son of a genius scientist is Earth's only hope for survival! Summoned after years of being apart from his father for safety, he has to use the weaponry his father has created and defend the planet against horrible aliens bent on destroying the world. But are all of his allies really on his side? And can he find love with one of the beautiful women who surround him?

bryan, #431: The first one is Arvy Tnvzna'f Fnaqzna -- I haven't read much of it, but you hit two of the major tropes in your description.

And your third one sounds like Puvyqubbq'f Raq.

Paul, #447: Correct.

bryan, #495: Ferqav Infugne! (Okay, okay, everybody and his uncle's duck got there first...)

albatross, #508: Gnemna bs gur Ncrf et seq. (Or not, but I contend it fits.)

Eleanor, #512: Fcrnxre sbe gur Qrnq

Ginger, #539: To make strikethrough work, you have to use "strike" and "/strike", not just "s" and "/s". I was having that problem not long ago too.

Next entry:

"A woman kidnapped into sexual slavery sends a desperate message to her best friend to rescue her daughter. The friend must pose as a member of a separatist group to make the journey, but is caught and forced to join the group for real, where she eventually finds True Love."

If your post said "Mutineer's Moon" then you're right. I can't read this code all of you are using and don't have the program to decode it.

"What's Plan B?"

Mary Aileen @580: Me, too! I'm discovering books that perhaps I should read.

Lee@ 584: Thanks again!

...when I was thirteen

...and also writing really bad Star Trek Mary Sue fanfic and binding it into staple-bound volumes with covers drawn in map colors at lunch

...you know what, please disregard the above "stop hating" request. I'll just be reading that review and bleeding from my eyeballs.

Nice! Jngpuzra.

Doesn't anyone know the other three?

John L. (585): That's it. Sorry about that. I saw your earlier distress signal but didn't realize you were still confused. Ginger's 588 is exactly right. And it's 'Mary Aileen', not 'Mary'. :)

Xopher @ 579
That sure sounds like Ybeq bs Yvtug.

Nobody seems to have had a go at my two (360) yet. (Now that I think about it, I suspect at least one of them is too recent for many people to have read it.)

Just for Dave Langford - and anyone else who'd like a ROT-13 bookmarklet, here's the one I use. Unlike most bookmarklets, this one will let you copy/paste the results.
Link to ROT13 bookmarklet

Okay, this one's a bit more obscure:

"Exiled princess must pose as a man, leading an army to defeat her usurper brother and save her kingdom from his ruinous reign. Along the way she overcomes her own distrust of men and finds True Love."

Bruce @ 428: Gur Sbhaqngvba Frevrf naq Ybat Qnex Grn Gvzr bs gur Fbhy ol Nqnzf (I think I missed one and got the other)

Fragano @ 508: One of Oeva'f Fgnegvqr Evfvat books. (yup, someone else got it)

My three that haven't been guessed yet:

After being sentenced to death, this backwater tour guide falls in love with a religious figure for whom he must fight a demon. She is killed but later gives birth to their baby from beyond the grave anyway.

A flying gay assassin in love with an elf kills his brothers and then uses his magic powers to sing and dance to alleviate his guilt.

A Catholic priest whose split personality is the space Pope fights against the church before the cybernetic vampires win by making all Catholics immortal.

We have obviously read all the same books.

Murderous transsexual sea monster trades alien musical powers to socially awkward, small-eyed man for promises of love and marriage.

Xopher @ 608: Gur Phpxbb'f Rtt, P.W. Pureelu. Great book.

*Almost.

Clearly, some tropes are more common than others.

Xopher, you've managed to befuddle me now. I think I know some of the ones you're posting.

Bryan #617: V qb abg yvxr gurz, Fnz V Nz!