Forward to next post: A wild and crazy idea: giving the public access to public data
I know you’ve probably read this story, but it’s irresistibly dumb. Yesterday, from Eric Kleefeld, at Talking Points Memo:
Coburn Aide: If Boys Knew Porn Will Turn Them Gay, They Won’t Want PlayboyEx-gay ‘winger. Check.
In an infamous moment at the Values Voter Summit over the weekend, captured on video by Dave Weigel, Sen. Tom Coburn’s (R-OK) chief of staff Michael Schwartz made the case against pornography. “All pornography is homosexual pornography,” said Schwartz, quoting an ex-gay friend of his,
“because all pornography turns your sexual drive inwards.”I am astounded. Turning your sexual drive inward—that is, processing it internally, on your own—causes homosexuality! We’re going to have to rethink our attitudes to gays in religious orders and the clergy. Thanks to Michael Schwartz, we can now understand that they probably started out straight, and were turned gay by the requirements of continence and celibacy. We have to respect that. They’ve taken one for the team.
Onward. Since sexual energies have to go somewhere, and since heterosexuals continue to exist, it must follow that directing your sexual energies outward, in sociable fashion, ideally without doing a whole lot of thinking about it, must turn you straight. This has striking implications. If you’re a secular gay, your only responsible course of action is to have lots and lots and lots of sex. You’ll know you’ve reached an appropriate level when you suddenly turn heterosexual. Short of that point, you’ll just have to keep trying harder.
We should also recognize the threat posed by unrecognized pornography. If all porn is homosexual porn, that must include the kinds that appear to be all about feet, rope, rubber rain gear, spanking, bodily wastes, model train layouts, tentacles, or Roy Orbison wrapped in clingfilm. Some sneaky homosexual conspiracy could do a lot of damage by getting straight citizens to look at gayness-inducing porn they can’t recognize as having anything to do with sex.
Finally, note that Michael Schwartz’s revelation explains the well-documented taste that some men have for lesbian erotica, and that some women have for slash: If those two keep going at it like that, they’re secretly thinking, any minute now they’ll turn heterosexual—and hey! There I’ll be, in a fetching pose, with a rose in my teeth! I can’t lose.
Schwartz then explained the side benefit of this finding—that if boys know pornography will make them gay, they’ll never touch it, taking advantage of what Schwartz sees as a natural homophobia. “And if you tell an 11-year-old boy about that, do you think he’s going to want to get a copy of Playboy?” he said. “I’m pretty sure he’ll lose interest. That’s the last thing he wants!”Is he from this planet? If threatening kids with blindness, permanent physical debility, and death didn’t keep them away from pornography and masturbation, bizarre threats about turning gay aren’t going to do it either. And if what Schwartz is saying is that he was never tempted by het smut, I’m not going to take his word for it that this proves he’s straight.
Addendum: Jon Stewart was amazed too.