The most recent 20 comments posted to Making Light by Under the Roses:

The worst thing my mother did was make me think my father abandoned us. I was afraid I would be like that when I grew up. I was afraid of that at nine.

It makes me unsure of myself. It makes it hard for me to both be close to people, and to leave them when I have become close.

It makes me needy. There were other pieces of neglect. My sister (who was disturbed, and has problems with relationships: particularly with men, and most particularly with men who care for her) could do no wrong. I could do very little which truly measured up.

I think this is why I have a hard time finishing things. I am certain they will fail to be good enough. My sister was rewarded for failing. I was ignored for succeeding.

Like so many others it's taken me a long time to deal with (such as it has been dealt with) these things. It's been part of why I am not better placed in life. It's hurt my relationships (things which are perfectly normal questions make me very defensive. Attempts to encourage feel as if they are running me down, predicting my failure). I seem to be afraid to try, so that I can't fail.

In short, I don't live up to my potential. Smart, but "underachieving."

None of it from overt abuse (in so many ways I wasn't abused at all. I was treated as an adult in ways my peers had to fight tooth and nail to get. All I had to do to keep it was live up to the ideals. Of course, when I failed; as all teens will fail, the response might be a trifle overboard. Not violent, but longer lasting or more punitive than the offense truly warranted). But the effect on me seems to have been great.

I also shy from confrontations with those who seem to have authority. Rather I hide in my room, and hope whatever they are doing will blow over, get worked around, or doesn't truly relate to me. That tends to make me feel I am failing myself. Vicious circles.

abi... my previous post was made with address I didn't think about. Could you please make it match this one? Thank you.

She's still alive and might, somehow, read this.

My mother screwed me up for having easy intimate relationships and gave me an intense fear of abandonment.

My sister... well she seems to hate me because I don't think my mother is a saint, even if I love her dearly.

She's also convinced my youngest sister that I am evil incarnate, and without any redeeming qualities and not to be trusted with the least bit of contact. I know this because she contacted me, asked for something and then wondered why on earth I'd think she wanted to catch up.

It had only been six years since she'd last been in touch.

So I'll probably never see my nephews.

People ask me why I don't see my family more. Henh.

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