I've recently started meditating (along with other things more in line with modern medicine) to help manage some long-term stress/anxiety issues that are causing some physical issues. Like yoga, meditation seems to be the shallow end of a deep pool of cultural and spiritual knowledge and practices (including several religions; some of the guided meditations I'm using even call on Christian concepts). I'm primarily interested in meditation in its simplest form, though: sitting in front of a candle for five minutes a day clears my mind like nothing else.
Is this sort of "take what you need and leave the rest" an American characteristic? Is it cultural appropriation? Can it be done respectfully?
Is the sweat lodge disaster the other end of the spectrum from a tea light on a table and a cushion? Are they even on the same spectrum?
There seems to be a real connection between "hucksters tapping into things they don't understand how to do safely" and "pagans taking care of their own." Those without a spiritual community surrounding them - people who are members of a mainstream religion but want to dabble in mystical experiences, say, or someone who's searching for the spiritual path that's right for them but hasn't found it yet - are not necessarily more gullible, but more likely to be caught up in a situation without proper safety nets.
My father got heavily involved with that Landmark Forum for a while. Spent a huge amount of money on "life-changing" seminars; alas, it did not have any long-term effects that I could see. (He could certainly use some life changing.) At the time he was very excited about it, though.
The second seminar he attended happened to be right down the street from where I lived in Alexandria (VA) at the time. Although their time was very tightly scheduled (on purpose, I'm sure), he invited me to ride up to the Baltimore aquarium one afternoon with him and some friends from the seminar.
They spent the ride there enthusing about the seminar and the ride back trying to recruit me. Any requests for concrete information ("what do you do at these things?") was met with "well, come to the free session and see."
The insidious bit was the way they raved about how [massive life issue, e.g., a divorce] was clarified and/or solved outright, and then asked whether I had an issue to be worked through. Doesn't everyone? The clear expectation is that if you answer yes, you're agreeing to come to the recruiting session; if you answer no, you're in denial. That kind of pressure from friends or family members is very powerful.
(Also, where my dear father thought I was going to get several thousand dollars for this seminar, I have no idea.)
For all I know, the people attending that seminar really did go home and change their lives. I've yet to see any evidence of it, though.
Dave @128, are you saying that if every oppressed group just stopped allowing themselves to be oppressed already, the oppression would magically go away? Really? Because of course the victims are really the ones with the power to change things, and we can't expect the oppressors to change.
Someone who claims to be a feminist and also claims that I "diminish myself as a human being" by not somehow being immune to oppression makes me very, very wary. Saying "well, that's just my opinion" doesn't make it better. Words have power. Words mean things.
Ajay @18, yes, but at times it seems to be more a matter of degree. There are days when I'd love to get up, go to work, and be able to focus solely on my work, knowing that I'll be judged solely on my performance and not how I look in heels (or my failure to wear them). Just because no one's arresting me for not wearing heels doesn't mean no one's judging me for it. If wearing a concealing garment would make people focus on my work performance instead of my appearance, I'd do it.
Either way, there are consequences, especially for women who don't measure up to arbitrary beauty standards. In many states an employer could fire me (or not hire me) for being fat and I would have no recourse. Not as bad as being arrested, I'll concede, but there's still a lot at stake.
The advice columnist at Tomato Nation tells people looking for apologies from people who've wronged them to think about it this way: what do you want out of the conversation? If you feel that you need it, confront them, but keep in mind that you're unlikely to get an apology. (This is a good example.)
Lee @234, I think it's mostly a side effect of working for a giant corporation. It's not company policy, but company culture at all the levels I've seen so far. My manager is a first-time manager (I'm her only subordinate) and she hasn't figured out that good management requires feedback and at least occasional encouragement as well as correction (she has the latter down pat). The department manager, over both of us, is one of those folks who's excellent at managing programs and terrible at managing people. The stereotype of cogs in a machine most definitely applies here: do your work, keep your head down, and don't expect anything besides a paycheck.
It's not a harsh environment or an openly discouraging one, to be fair, but it doesn't exactly inspire employee motivation or teamwork. The previous place I'd worked for was much smaller and demonstrably cared about its employees. After being laid off, I started here and was shocked that not only did people not reply to my polite hello in the hallway, they occasionally glared at me for speaking to them. (And still do, after a year.)
Lee, I've had similar experiences with "I don't remember that" from my parents. And maybe those things were so trivial to them they really don't remember. (The particular instance I'm thinking of was the conversation in which I was told that I couldn't even apply to the perfectly good state university I wanted to attend, simply because my boyfriend [now my husband] was already attending it.)
When the other person refuses to acknowledge that an event happened, there's no point in pushing the issue.
LDR @228, Mike @214's quote exactly describes my current workplace. Most definitely neglect of adults by other adults. On one hand, it's good that there's no active abuse or micromanagement; on the other hand, every reaction is either neutral or negative. It's not any of those terms you use, though, not discrimination or prejudice or disrespect. It's just...nothing.
On reading some other people's experiences, I'm seeing some similarity with my own. I remember hours-long lectures from my father; I'd spend entire evenings standing in front of his armchair while he lectured me about some trivial offense. I was pretty much a model kid - adorable, bright, quiet, followed rules by the letter, made top grades, involved in every extracurricular under the sun - but nothing was ever good enough. I'm still trying to deal with the knowledge that no matter what I do, I will never get compliments or encouragement from my parents.
Where is the line between no-nonsense/clueless and abusive? I used to describe my parents as emotionally abusive, then decided I was just being histrionic about it. Now I don't know. I don't have any real perspective about it, other than being grateful that things weren't worse.
Same for school experiences. In elementary school, a teacher pulled me out of field day (a once-a-year fun day with races and various physical games) activities, accused me of calling her names behind her back, and left me sitting outside the principal's office for hours until the end of the school day. (I don't know whether the principal even knew I was there; when the bell rang, I got up and left.) I found out later that the same group of students that usually picked on me had told the teacher the name-calling story. She swallowed it without even considering that, since these students openly hated me, maybe they weren't being truthful. It wasn't the only similar incident.
In high school, opportunities were accidentally and sometimes openly withheld from me. I was accused of cheating on a paper and successfully defended myself, but the incident was still entered on my permanent record and that too kept me from certain opportunities. I could have gone to a really good university and had an entirely different life path, but by my senior year of high school I was quite convinced that I wasn't smart or good at anything at all.
I suppose I'm just as bitter about the culture that succeeded in holding me back, destroying my joy in learning, keeping me from my full potential, as I am about my parents' behavior. Was the entire school system abusive? Clueless? I don't know. Like I said, I lack perspective.
The "reconcile with your family because they're all you've got" idea is really interesting. I wonder if that's an American thing, and whether it's part of the trivializing of friendships and chosen "family."
I have a large extended family, most of whom gleefully participated in the larger culture of anti-intellectualism. They were threatened by the smart, geeky kid, period, and though no one was ever outright cruel about it, I never felt like part of the family.
Haven't talked to most of them since my wedding in 2001, and I'm just fine with that. They didn't add anything to my life then and wouldn't now. No one cut anyone else off or anything, we just don't talk.
Don't get me wrong: I envy people who have supportive, friendly extended families. Mine just isn't a candidate. I'm much happier choosing who I spend time with and rely on.
David @160, this is really powerful for me:
Naturally, it's wiser to hold off on this until you don't need those layers of defense anymore! When the offender really can't hurt you anymore, for whatever reasons... then you can forgive and benefit by it.
I wish I'd heard this earlier. As a kid, I spent a lot of time resentful and confused about hearing (in church and elsewhere) that one should forgive one's enemies and so on, but it was very difficult to do so when you knew the next time you saw them there'd be even more to forgive.
My childhood was the typical "too-bright, highly sensitive child gets tormented mercilessly by peers (and occasionally teachers)" mix, with a dash of workaholic father and extraordinarily controlling and overprotective parents and a cup or two of cultural anti-intellectualism and antagonism.
I feel like I've worked through a lot of that, so I want to talk about my parents. Two years ago, my mother discovered that my father was cheating on her and divorced him. She'd been trying to hold it together for the sake of my much-younger teenage brother, but the affair was the last straw.
It's been a horrible mess. My mother went from being a middle-class stay-at-home mom to working retail trying to make ends meet. My brother became depressed and violent. My adult sister rebelled in some ways considered shameful in that culture*.
My father, on the other hand, is living well on his income and some inherited wealth. He bought a luxury car and spends all his time and attention on his girlfriend and her teenage daughter, making of them a substitute family. In his free time he's busy suing my mother and trying to ensure she doesn't get a penny from him after her 30-odd years of raising his children and running his household.
The family's split into sides over it, naturally. I've been trying very hard to stay neutral, but it's not really working. I'm a state away, so I'm out of the immediate line of fire, but I feel like it affects me more than it should, and it just never ends.
*Miscegenation and children out of wedlock are still a big issue in some areas. This is one of them.
Coming to this late, but here's another perspective on why drivers are unprepared for or outright hostile to cyclists: outside cities, they're rare to nonexistent.
Where I grew up in rural NC (US), no one rode a bike as an adult because things were simply too far away. When the nearest grocery store is 15 miles and your workplace is 30 miles from your house, not in the same direction, and all that's in between is long stretches of high-speed, no-shoulder, two-lane rural roads, it's just not worth it. The people who do ride generally find offroad places to do it. When I took driver's ed at 15 and the exam at 16, there was no mention of bikes (or pedestrians) whatsoever.
Here in semi-urban/suburban northern VA, it's a combination of those two-lane "rural" roads*, miles upon miles of subdivisions with no stores, and dangerous high-speed highways. Kids ride in their neighborhoods, and everyone else just drives.
In both places, it's incredibly rare to even see a cyclist. It's no wonder people don't know how to deal with them.
It's true that people think of their cars as an extension of their living space. Especially here, where people have longer commutes than anywhere else in the US except Los Angeles.
*The road my Manassas subdivision is on looks just like a rural road: two lanes, no real shoulder, woods and houses on each side. Yet during rush hour, which runs from 6:30-9:30 am and 4:30-7 pm, the corresponding lane is so full of cars it barely moves. This place was a real culture shock.
Paul @40, I've gotten a recommendation from a coworker for a good helmet fitter, so the next time I'm over there (the REI at Bailey's Crossroads, for any NoVA folks who might be interested) I'll go on in.
The coworker who gave the recommendations bikes from Shirlington to Chantilly (both in Virginia) and back at least once a week, something like 25 miles. He's somehow managed to find a way to avoid major highways. I think it involves lots of cutting across parking lots.
I have a lovely 70s-era bike from my grandparents' estate that I've been meaning to start riding. I can't seem to make myself go get a helmet, though, and don't want to ride without one. There's something about the aforementioned shop full of 19-year-old guys that makes my well-padded self hesitant.
When I do start riding, it will be just around the neighborhood and any bike trails I can find. Riding on the road in northern Virginia is asking for it.
P J Evans @108: I'm 29 now, and started having amalgam fillings put in when I was 12 or 13 (like I said, extremely thin enamel). My current dentist is already having to start to replace those fillings.* Like dental care costs, this seems to be one of those areas in which YMMV. I also clench and grind my teeth, which might be affecting the fillings' longevity.
*The one older filling he's replaced so far had broken and a cavity had started in that area, so he just replaced the old filling while he was at it. Unlike some other dentists I've had, this guy is kind and hasn't tried to talk me into unnecessary procedures, so I trust him when he says they're all going to need to be replaced in the next five years.
One issue I'm not seeing a whole lot of discussion about is that standard of care dictated by insurance companies. In trying to catch up on dental care, I've been told repeatedly by Aetna that I can only have amalgam fillings rather than anything better. Since the amalgam fillings I had as a teen* are now having to be replaced, I'm not all that eager to have more short-term fillings. I'd imagine this sort of thing happens in all medical fields.
There's also a strong thread in American debate of blaming the victim. If only those people** wouldn't make the wrong choices and get sick, there wouldn't be all this fuss!
*I have incredibly thin tooth enamel. It's quite possible to take adequate care of one's teeth and still have issues requiring care.
**Generally the poor, the uninsured, and those without access to the "right" organic foods.
Lee @65, it may vary a lot by geography, too. I was without insurance and too poor to afford any dental care whatsoever for over a decade, and am trying to make up for that now. My first dentist visit cost me $2,000 out of pocket, WITH insurance, for a crown and a few fillings.
I've since changed both dentists and insurance plans, so things aren't as expensive, but nonetheless the impression I got from asking around at the time was that that amount wasn't out of the ordinary.
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