I will not chew up the only copy of an important term paper on the
morning it is due.
I will not chew up driver's licenses, passports, and voter
registration cards.
I realize that bringing live mice inside to play with later is
against my stated purpose as a cat.
If I am caught with contraband when I am let in, I should not
protest when ordered to TAKE IT OUTSIDE, BUNKY! If I persist in
attempting to smuggle vermin, it is my own fault if I am chased
outside with a broom.
It is well and good that I should kill a mouse and leave it for my
humans to find, but it is considered poor etiquette to leave a
bloody decapitated and tailless mouse on the kitchen floor, and
later make a show of vomiting the half-digested head onto the
living room carpet.
When my human enters the bathroom, it is not considered an
appropriate time to come wind my way through her ankles and attempt
to jump on her lap.
If I injure myself and require surgery and a hard cast on my leg, I
will not kick my human in the eye with said leg.
If my humans go on vacation for a week and ask a neighborhood
teenager to come in daily to feed me, but the teenager neglects me
the entire time, it is perfectly acceptable for me to slash open a
box of Tender Vittles to keep from starving. However, it is
unnecessary to express my displeasure by shedding great clumps of
my long black and white fur, unrolling entire rolls of both toilet
paper and paper towels and... soiling the entire downstairs.
When they finally return and are properly contrite, it is equally
unnecessary to sit in the middle of the mess looking smug.
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