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January 19, 2009

The true history of the Bush years
Posted by Teresa at 12:00 AM *

The Bush administration is ending. If Bush & Co. didn’t entirely wreck the place, it was for no lack of trying. George himself achieved astonishing depths of failure. His most notable achievements were all unintentional, and he still doesn’t know what they were.

Here’s the biggest one: Although the American people have been fed a diet of cynical disinformation about government for the last half-century or more, the Bush years re-taught millions of them that voting is important, that established parties aren’t identical, that primaries are a mechanism for assessing and refining candidates, and that campaign speeches don’t have to consist entirely of hot air and patriotic-sounding generalities.

There will be histories written about the Bush administration. They’ll be privy to information we don’t have yet, because the future is like that. On the other hand, we have our own privileged knowledge: We know how the story looked like to people who didn’t know how it was going to come out.

Now, in this moment before a changing world overwrites our memories of the era, let us pause to salute our constant companion of those years: The Onion. Other histories of the Bush years will doubtless be more factual, but none will ever be truer.

January 26, 2000: Bush Reaches Out To Hispanic Community With Generous Tip.
March 8, 2000: Bush ‘Refuses To Dignify’ Mass-Murder Allegations.
July, 26, 2000: Bush Reluctantly Accepts Donation From Parents.
August 9, 2000: Republicans’ ‘Diversity Through Imported Africans’ Plan Criticized.
September 13, 2000: Bush Surges Ahead In Polls After Strong Showing On Pommel Horse.
October 4, 2000: Bush Vows To Do ‘That Thing Gore Just Said, Only Better’.
October 18, 2000: Bush Horrified To Learn Presidential Salary.
November 15, 2000: Bush Executes 253 New Mexico Democrats.
November 15, 2000: Nation Plunges Into Chaos: Pro-Bush Rebels Seize Power In West; D.C. In Flames.
November 15, 2000: Serbia Deploys Peacekeeping Forces To U.S.
December 20, 2000: Bush Calls For End To ‘Era Of Political Argument’.
January 17, 2001: Bush: ‘Our Long National Nightmare Of Peace And Prosperity Is Finally Over’.
January 24, 2001: ’80s Retro Craze Sweeps Executive Branch.
March 21, 2001: Congress Adds ‘All Your Base Are Belong To Us’ Amendment To Bankruptcy Bill.
April 18, 2001: Bush Regales Dinner Guests With Impromptu Oratory On Virgil’s Minor Works.
May 9, 2001: After Careful Consideration, Bush Recommends Oil Drilling.
May 30, 2001: Bush Actually President, Nation Suddenly Realizes.
June 20, 2001: Bush Trying To Decide How To Spend His Tax Refund
July 18, 2001: Bush Vows To Remove Toxic Petroleum From National Parks.
August 1, 2001: Bush Finds Error In Fermilab Calculations.
August 22, 2001: Bush Vows To Wipe Out Prescription-Drug Addiction Among Seniors.
September 26, 2001: American Life Turns Into Bad Jerry Bruckheimer Movie.
September 26, 2001: Hijackers Surprised To Find Selves In Hell.
September 26, 2001: God Angrily Clarifies ‘Don’t Kill’ Rule.
September 26, 2001: Hugging Up 76,000 Percent.
September 26, 2001: Arab-American Third-Grader Returns From Recess Crying, Saying He Didn’t Kill Anyone.
September 26, 2001: Not Knowing What Else To Do, Woman Bakes American-Flag Cake.
September 26, 2001: Bush Sr. Apologizes To Son For Funding Bin Laden In ’80s.
September 26, 2001: Report: Gen X Irony, Cynicism May Be Permanently Obsolete.
September 26, 2001: Jerry Falwell: Is That Guy A Dick Or What?
September 26, 2001: The U.S. Military Is Pondering Its Response Options.
September 26, 2001: Talking To Your Child About The WTC Attack.
September 26, 2001: U.S. Vows To Defeat Whoever It Is We’re At War With.
September 26, 2001: President Urges Calm, Restraint Among Nation’s Ballad Singers.
September 26, 2001: Statshot: How Have We Spent the Last Two Weeks?
September 26, 2001: Dinty Moore Breaks Long Silence On Terrorism With Full-Page Ad.
September 26, 2001: Point/Counterpoint: We Must Retaliate With Blind Rage…
September 26, 2001: Infographic: Making America Safer.
October 3, 2001: U.S. Urges Bin Laden To Form Nation It Can Attack.
October 10, 2001: Freedoms Curtailed In Defense Of Liberty.
October 17, 2001: Woman With Sore Throat Thinks It Might Be Anthrax.
October 31, 2001: CIA Admits It’s Good At Overthrowing Stuff, Not So Much The Intelligence.
November 14, 2001: U.S. To Arab World: ‘Stop Hating Us Or Suffer The Consequences’.
December 05, 2001: All Proceeds No Longer Going To Charity.
December 5, 2001: America Is Ready To Laugh At Me Again.
December 19, 2001: What Is Sexy In The Wake Of Sept. 11?
January 16, 2002: Bush Attempts To Distance Self From Yet Another Failed Business.
February 6, 2002: Bush Earmarks 1.5 Billion Gold Stars For Education.
February 20, 2002: Americans Would Be Outraged If They Understood Enron Collapse.
February 27, 2002: $5 Million Bounty Placed On Recession.
March 6, 2002: Bush Calls On Business Leaders To Create 500,000 Shitty Jobs By 2003.
June 5, 2002: Life Jackets Issued To All Americans For Some Reason.
June 20, 2002: Fan-Favorite First Season Of Bush Administration Released On DVD.
July 24, 2002: Bush Begins Hunger Strike To Protest Human-Rights Abuses In Nepal.
July 31, 2002: U.S. Takes Out Debt-Consolidation Loan.
August 7, 2002: Lou Dobbs Hosts Moneyline From Window Ledge.
September 11, 2002: Second Birthday In A Row Ruined By Terrorism.
September 11, 2002: Bush Won’t Stop Asking Cheney If We Can Invade Yet.
September 18, 2002: Bush Sends Troops To West Nile.
October 2, 2002: Bush Seeks U.N. Support For ‘U.S. Does Whatever It Wants’ Plan.
October 16, 2002: Bush On Economy: ‘Saddam Must Be Overthrown’.
November 20, 2002: When I’m Feeling Blue, I Can Always Go To My Undisclosed Location.
December 4, 2002: Report: Presidents Washington Through Bush May Have Lied About Key Matters.
December 11, 2002: Bush Gives France 30 Days To Speak English.
December 18, 2002: Bill Of Rights Pared Down To A Manageable Six.
January 15, 2003: Bush On North Korea: ‘We Must Invade Iraq’.
February 5, 2003: Department Of The Interior Sets Aside Two Million Acres For Car Commercials.
February 12, 2003: Saddam Enrages Bush With Full Compliance.
February 12, 2003: Ashcroft Orders Staff To Chain Him Tightly Before Next Full Moon.
February 12, 2003: North Korea Wondering What It Has To Do To Attract U.S. Military Attention.
February 19, 2003: Terrorism ‘Not Likely’ Cause Of Fire At Local Laundromat.
March 5, 2003: Bush Offers Taxpayers Another $300 If We Go To War.
March 12, 2003: Bush Orders Iraq To Disarm Before Start Of War.
March 12, 2003: Congress Accidentally Approves Arts Funding.
March 26, 2003: Bush Bravely Leads 3rd Infantry Into Battle.
March 26, 2003: Vital Info On Iraqi Chemical Weapons Provided By U.S. Company That Made Them.
March 26, 2003: This War Will Destabilize The Entire Mideast Region/No it won’t.
March 26, 2003: U.S. Continues Proud Tradition Of Diversity On Front Lines.
April 2, 2003: Government No Longer Even Bothering To Hide Halliburton Favors.
April 2, 2003: Bush Thought War Would Be Over By Now.
April 2, 2003: I Should Not Be Allowed To Say The Following Things About America.
April 9, 2003: Bush Subconsciously Sizes Up Spain For Invasion.
May 7, 2003: Bush Cites The Last Starfighter As Inspiration For Entering Politics.
June 4, 2003: Bush Visits U.S.S. Truman For Dramatic Veterans’-Benefits-Cutting Ceremony.
June 11, 2003: Infographic: Exaggerating the WMD Threat.
June 18, 2003: GOP Reports Record Second-Quarter Profits.
June 18, 2003: U.S. Refuses To Allow U.N. Weapons Inspectors Back Into Iraq.
July 2, 2003: Bush Asks Congress For $30 Billion To Help Fight War On Criticism.
July 23, 2003: Bush Not Heard From For Over A Month.
August 6, 2003: Cheney Regrets Buying Bush Laser Pointer.
August 14, 2003: Republicans Introduce Economic Equality Bill For Fun Of Shooting It Down.
August 20, 2003: Bush Diagnosed With Attention-To-Deficit Disorder.
September 10, 2003: Relations Break Down Between U.S. And Them.
September 10, 2003: White House Denied Third Mortgage.
September 17, 2003: Revised Patriot Act Will Make It Illegal To Read Patriot Act.
September 24, 2003: U.S. Government To Discontinue Long-Term, Low-Yield Investment In Nation’s Youth.
October 1, 2003: 85% Of Public Believes Bush’s Approval Rating Fell In Last Month.
October 1, 2003: Cheney Suspects Bush Listening In On Other Phone.
October 15, 2003: Bush Disappointed To Learn Chinese Foreign Minister Doesn’t Know Karate.
October 15, 2003: Lieberman Pledges To Gloss Over The Boring Issues.
October 22, 2003: CIA-Leak Scapegoat Still At Large.
November 5, 2003: Energy Secretary Just Assumed Cabinet Knew He Did Porn Films In The ’80s.
November 5, 2003: Karl Rove Ensures Republican Elected As Student Body President.
December 3, 2003: Bush Re-Election Campaign Creates Thousands Of New Jobs.
December 17, 2003: Bush Won’t Put Down New Football.
January 21, 2004: Bush Vows To Discover, Legalize Aliens On American, Martian Soil.
January 28, 2004: Bush 2004 Campaign Pledges To Restore Honor And Dignity To White House.
January 28, 2004: Rumsfeld Only One Who Can Change Toner In White House Printer.
February 25, 2004: Bush To Cut Deficit From Federal Budget.
March 3, 2004: Bush To Make Up Missed National Guard Service This Weekend.
March 10, 2004: Cheney Clotheslines Aide.
March 17, 2004: Rumsfeld Hosts No-Holds-Barred Martial Arts Tournament At Remote Island Fortress.
March 17, 2004: Bush Calls Incumbency Key Issue Of Campaign.
March 24, 2004: Bush Urges Iraqis To Pass Amendment Banning Gay Marriage.
March 31, 2004: Bush Addresses 8.2 Million Unemployed: ‘Get A Job’.
April 7, 2004: Price Of Nuclear Secrets Plummeting.
April 14, 2004: New Negative Campaign Ads Blast Voters Directly.
April 21, 2004: Cheney Wows Sept. 11 Commission By Drinking Glass Of Water While Bush Speaks.
April 21, 2004: Iraqis Arming Selves For Independence.
April 28, 2004: Bush To Iraqi Militants: ‘Please Stop Bringing It On’.
May 12, 2004: Bush Vows To Pay Closer Attention To Needs Of Non-Presidents.
May 19, 2004: U.S. To Fight Terror With Terror.
May 26, 2004: Fed-Up Cheney Enters Presidential Race Himself.
May 26, 2004: Bush Posts Classified Ad For 90,000 Troops.
June 16, 2004: Report: 9/11 Commission Could Have Been Prevented.
July 7, 2004: Devious Rabbit Tricks Bush Into Signing Gun Ban.
July 7, 2004: Nation’s Liberals Suffering From Outrage Fatigue.
July 21, 2004: White House Declares War On DSL Provider.
July 21, 2004: Secretary Of Defense Humiliated As U.S. Credit Card Rejected.
August 4, 2004: CIA Asks Bush To Discontinue Blog.
August 11, 2004: Kerry Unveils One-Point Plan For Better America.
August 18, 2004: Bush Finally Gets Oval Office Just The Way He Wants It.
August 25, 2004: Swing States Roughed Up By Bush, Kerry Operatives.
September 1, 2004: Small Group Of Dedicated Rich People Change The World.
September 1, 2004: Vacationing Bush Accepts Republican Nomination Via Live Satellite Feed.
September 1, 2004: Cheney Urged Not To Work Blue During Convention.
September 8, 2004: Bush Campaign More Thought-Out Than Iraq War.
September 8, 2004: Hundreds Of Republicans Injured In Rush To Discredit Kerry.
September 15, 2004: Cheney Returns To Camp Crystal Lake.
September 22, 2004: Bush Introduces New Timmy Blanchard Left Behind Act.
September 29, 2004: Documents Reveal Gaps In Bush’s Service As President.
October 6, 2004: Irrelevant Pop Stars Unite Against Bush.
October 6, 2004: Bush Arrives At Debate Wearing Flight Suit.
October 13, 2004: Cheney Vows To Attack U.S. If Kerry Elected.
October 20, 2004: Nader Polling At 8% Among Past Supporters.
October 27, 2004: Republicans Urge Minorities To Get Out And Vote On Nov. 3.
October 27, 2004: Countdown To The Recount 2004.
November 3, 2004: Nader Supporters Blame Electoral Defeat On Bush, Kerry.
November 3, 2004: Millions Of Work Hours Lost To Voting.
November 3, 2004: U.S. Inspires World With Attempt At Democratic Election.
November 10, 2004: Bush Promises To Unite Nation For Real This Time.
November 10, 2004: Nation’s Poor Win Election For Nation’s Rich.
November 10, 2004: U.S. To Send 30,000 Mall Security Guards To Iraq.
November 17, 2004: Republicans Call For Privatization Of Next Election.
November 24, 2004: White House Thanksgiving Turkey Detained Without Counsel.
November 24, 2004: Swift Boat Veterans Still Hounding Kerry.
December 22, 2004: 44 Suspicious Packages Detonated Under White House Christmas Tree.
January 5, 2005: Bush Celebrates Millionth Utterance Of ‘Lessons Of Sept. 11’.
January 5, 2005: Bush Unveils New Blind-Faith-Based Initiatives.
January 19, 2005: White House Dishwasher Tenders Resignation.
February 9, 2005: Bush Defends Deny-Side Economics.
February 23, 2005: Bush Determined To Find Warehouse Where Ark Of Covenant Is Stored.
March 9, 2005: Bush Announces Iraq Exit Strategy: ‘We’ll Go Through Iran’.
March 23, 2005: Colin Powell’s Tell-All Book: Steroid Use Rampant In White Houses.
March 30, 2005: Bush Launches Preemptive Attack On Social Security.
March 30, 2005: ‘Missed Connection’ Ad Obviously Cheney.
April 6, 2005: Cheney Offspring Bursts From Bush’s Chest.
April 27, 2005: Report: U.S. Foreign Policy Hurting American Students’ Chances Of Getting Laid Abroad.
May 4, 2005: Arizona Man Steals Bush’s Identity, Vetoes Bill, Meets With Mexican President.
May 19, 2005: Bush Challenges America To Produce The Perfect Romantic Comedy By 2009.
June 1, 2005: U.S. Intensifies Empty-Threat Campaign Against North Korea.
June 8, 2005: Bush Lifts Ban On Vigilantism: ‘Let’s See What Happens,’ Says President.
June 15, 2005: Bush Fishing For Compliments During Press Conference.
July 20, 2005: Marine Corps Shortens Slogan To ‘The Few’.
July 27, 2005: Bush To London Bombers: ‘Bring It On’.
July 27, 2005: Supreme Court Justices Devour Sandra Day O’Connor In Ancient Ritual.
August 3, 2005: White House Denies Existence Of Karl Rove.
August 3, 2005: Bush Acquired By Martian Zoo.
August 10, 2005: Bush Vows To Eliminate U.S. Dependence On Oil By 4920.
August 31, 2005: Bush: Vacation Ruined By ‘Stupid Dead Soldier’.
September 7, 2005: Cheney Dropped By White House HMO.
September 7, 2005: Bush Tearfully Addresses Nation After Watching Field Of Dreams.
September 14, 2005: Halliburton Gets Contract To Pry Gold Fillings From New Orleans Corpses’ Teeth.
September 14, 2005: Bush Nominates First-Trimester Fetus To Supreme Court.
September 21, 2005: Bush Braces As Cindy Sheehan’s Other Son Drowns In New Orleans.
September 28, 2005: Bush’s Approval Rating Of Other Americans Also At All-Time Low.
September 28, 2005: U.S. Launches AIDS-Awareness Campaign In Botswana: ‘You All Have AIDS,’ Says U.S..
October 5, 2005: Halliburton Given Contract To Rebuild Cheney.
October 12, 2005: Bush To Appoint Someone To Be In Charge Of Country.
October 19, 2005: President Bush Urges Nation.
October 20, 2005: Bush To Throw Out First Through 120th Pitch Of World Series.
October 27, 2005: Bush To Nominate Next Person Who Walks Through Door.
November 2, 2005: ‘Scooter’ Libby Wishes He’d Ditched Nickname Before Media Coverage.
November 2, 2005: Bush Orders Mass Bald Eagle Slaughter To Stop Spread Of Bird Flu.
November 16, 2005: Long-Awaited Beer With Bush Really Awkward, Voter Reports.
November 23, 2005: Bush To Increase Funding For Hope-Based Initiatives.
November 23, 2005: Topeka Mayor Now Highest-Ranking Non-Indicted Republican Official.
December 7, 2005: More Americans Falling For ‘Get Rich Slowly Over A Lifetime Of Hard Work’ Schemes.
December 7, 2005: Voice Of God Revealed To Be Cheney On Intercom.
December 21, 2005: U.S. Troops Draw Up Own Exit Strategy.
December 28, 2005: Cloned Cheney Lacks Charm Of Original.
December 28, 2005: Bush Elected President Of Iraq.
December 28, 2005: White House Celebrates Fifth Straight Year Without Oral Sex.
December 28, 2005: Well-Rested Bush At The Top Of His Game.
December 28, 2005: North Korea Nukes Self In Desperate Plea For Attention.
January 17, 2006: U.S. Holds Going-Out-Of-Business Sale.
January 18, 2006: Bush Urges Senate To Give Alito Fair, Quick, Unanimous Confirmation.
January 20, 2006: CEO Needs $30 Million Aspen Home To Recharge Batteries.
February 1, 2006: President Creates Cabinet-Level Position To Coordinate Scandals.
February 8, 2006: White House Debuts Iraq War Infomercial.
February 14, 2006: Bush Hides U.S. Report Card In Sock Drawer.
February 15, 2006: President Bush Escapes From Weekly Bath.
February 20, 2006: White House Had Prior Knowledge Of Cheney Threat.
February 27, 2006: Democrats Vow Not To Give Up Hopelessness.
March 13, 2006: Bush Increasingly Focused On How Revisionist History Will See Him.
March 20, 2006: White House Reporter Asks How Many Mountain Dews The President Slams A Day.
March 23, 2006: World Leaders Urge Condoleezza Rice To Take NFL Commissioner’s Job.
March 28, 2006: President Bush Designates 1 Million Acres For Federally Protected Water Parks.
April 5, 2006: Detroit Sold For Scrap.
April 5, 2006: Critics Blast Bush For Not Praying Hard Enough.
April 26, 2006: EPA Didn’t Know Anybody Was Still Drinking Water.
April 26, 2006: Bush Calls Cabinet Meeting To Get Story Straight.
April 28, 2006: President Approval Rating Remains High On eBay.
May 17, 2006: Oil Executives March On D.C.
May 23, 2006: President Bush Invokes Executive Super Powers.
May 24, 2006: Bush Puts National Guard In Charge Of Public Relations.
May 24, 2006: Hillary Clinton Is Too Ambitious To Be The First Female President.
May 31, 2006: Critics Blast Al Gore’s Documentary As ‘Realistic’.
June 28, 2006: Insurgent Secretly Terrified Of Winning Control Of Iraq.
June 28, 2006: Government To Defend Marriage From Dashing Reginald St. Croix, Esq..
June 30, 2006: Vice President Cheney’s Severed Hand Chokes Chairman Of Ways And Means Committee.
July 17, 2006: Deadlocked Supreme Court: ‘Someone’s Voting Twice’.
July 18, 2006: Bush Quietly Rolls Back Iraq Death Toll To Zero.
July 19, 2006: Scratch ‘N Win Ballots To Debut In November.
July 21, 2006: U.S. Soldiers Ask Rumsfeld If They Could Get Surprise Visit From Loved Ones Instead.
August 1, 2006: Bush Grants Self Permission To Grant More Power To Self.
August 9, 2006: Condoleezza Rice Holds Bathtime Talks With Undersea Representatives.
August 15, 2006: U.S. Dedicates $64 Billion To Undermining Gates Foundation Efforts.
August 30, 2006: Bush Urges Nation To Be Quiet For A Minute While He Tries To Think.
August 30, 2006: Bush Gives Up Presidency For True Love.
September 7, 2006: Bush: ‘History Cannot Judge Me If I End It Soon’.
September 11, 2006: NYC Unveils 9/11 Memorial Hole.
September 27, 2006: New Job Posting On Craigslist Clearly For Secretary Of The Interior.
October 3, 2006: Flustered Bush Misses Air Force One Flight.
October 4, 2006: President Bush Decides The U.S. Will Fight The Terrorists In Ohio.
October 11, 2006: Bush Urges Expanded Drilling Of Alaskan Wildlife.
October 31, 2006: GOP Throws All Financial Support Behind One Candidate.
November 1, 2006: Bush: Thousands Of Registered Democrats Needed For ‘Extremely Important’ Mission.
November 3, 2006: President Bush Asks U.S. Soldiers To Stop Dying.
November 3, 2006: Laura Bush Suspects Anniversary Card Penned By Speech Writer.
November 7, 2006: Politicians Sweep Midterm Elections.
November 7, 2006: Republicans Blame Election Losses On Democrats.
November 7, 2006: Voter Turnout Reaches All-Time Low Of 17.
November 8, 2006: Rumsfeld: ‘My Half-Assed Job Here Is Done’.
November 22, 2006: CNN Renews This Week At War For Next Eight Seasons.
November 27, 2006: Troop Morale Boosted By Surprise Visit From First Dog.
November 29, 2006: President Bush Spills Coffee On Computer That Has All Of The Government’s Files On It.
December 11, 2006: Discouraged Bush Begins Seeking Approval Of Other Nations.
December 12, 2006: Marine Hopes To Spend Second Tour Of Duty On Different Baghdad City Block.
December 12, 2006: Clinton Finally Takes Responsibility For Bush Administration’s Failures.
December 13, 2006: Failed Attempt At Hyperbole Yields Dead-On Statistic.
December 18, 2006: Generous Vice President Cheney Gives Hard-Working Media Field Day.
December 18, 2006: Karl Rove Accused Of Throwing Midterm Elections.
December 18, 2006: Ken Lay’s Children Inherit 4,000 Pensions.
January 3, 2007: Laura Bush Crushes Life Out Of White House Intruder.
January 19, 2007: White House Hints At Surprise Twist Ending To Bush Presidency.
January 22, 2007: Bush Rushing To Get Nation In Order Before Hu Jintao’s Visit.
January 23, 2007: CIA Director Quietly Buys Nuclear-Attack Insurance.
January 29, 2007: Bush Commits One Additional Troop To Afghanistan.
January 31, 2007: White House Quietly Retracts Entire State Of The Union Address.
February 2, 2007: Bush Deploys 20,000 Wishful Thoughts To Iraq.
February 14, 2007: Bush Cuts Off Diplomatic Relations With Congress.
February 15, 2007: President Bush Sacrifices National Lamb.
February 21, 2007: Giuliani To Run For President Of 9/11.
February 23, 2007: Dick Cheney Can’t Get Enough New Hearts.
February 28, 2007: Manny Ramirez Plays With Bush Family Dogs.
March 13, 2007: White House Adds Eight Inches To White House Fence.
March 26, 2007: Injured Troops Request Extended Tours To Avoid Being Sent To Walter Reed.
March 28, 2007: Heroic Secret Service Agent Takes Question Intended For Bush.
March 28, 2007: Khalid Sheikh Mohammed Confesses To Confessing Under Torture.
April 2, 2007: Bush Refuses To Set Timetable For Withdrawal Of Head From White House Banister.
April 11, 2007: Cheney Spends 2-Week Vacation Lying Motionless In Open Grave.
April 11, 2007: U.S. Counter-Counterterrorism Unit Successfully Destroys Washington Monument.
April 23, 2007: Cheney Celebrates Earth Day By Breathing Oxygen.
April 25, 2007: President Bush Reaches Out To Nation’s Fallen Bees.
May 2, 2007: Bush Has One Of Those Days Where He Feels Like 68% Of People Hate Him.
May 17, 2007: Fall From Pommel Horse Puts Cheney’s 2008 Olympic Hopes In Doubt.
June 5, 2007: Secret Service Agent Takes Out Dandelion On White House Lawn.
June 6, 2007: Retired Gen. George Washington Criticizes Bush’s Handling Of Iraq War.
June 20, 2007: Addressing Climate Crisis, Bush Calls For Development Of National Air Conditioner.
July 16, 2007: Bush Orders F-16 Flyover To Cheer Himself Up.
July 24, 2007: Bush Texting While Mahmoud Abbas Speaks.
August 6, 2007: DNA Evidence Frees Man From Zoo.
August 24, 2007: Democratic Mob Censures Bush In Effigy.
August 31, 2007: Heartbroken Bush Runs After Departing Rove’s Car.
September 5, 2007: New Secret Service Agent Disappointed There Are No Decoy Presidents.
September 6, 2007: New Orleans Saints Relocated To Help Heal Utah.
September 12, 2007: Statshot: How is the New York Times padding its opinion page?
September 20, 2007: In The Know: White House Announces ‘Everything Is Great In Iraf’.
September 21, 2007: Fifteen Awesome Lies about Hillary Clinton.
September 26, 2007: Bush Makes Surprise Visit To Work.
October 3, 2007: New Heart Device Allows Cheney To Experience Love.
October 10, 2007: Cost Of Freedom At All-Time High.
October 13, 2007: Reaganomics Finally Trickles Down To Area Man.
October 31, 2007: Child On White House Tour Momentarily Seizes Control Of Nation.
November 6, 2007: Bush Proud U.S. Economic Woes Can Still Depress World Markets.
November 7, 2007: Infographic: Democratic Candidates Turn On Clinton.
November 12, 2007: U.S. Intelligence: Iran Possesses Trillions Of Potentially Dangerous Atoms.
November 21, 2007: Proposed Bill Would Bring 4,000 Troops Back To Life.
December 10, 2007: Bush’s New Dentist Faces Tough Confirmation Hearing.
December 16, 2007: Iraq War No Longer Interesting Enough To Make List Of Year’s Top Stories.
December 17, 2007: Infographic: The Presidency In The Year 2007.
December 18, 2007: Gore Wins Oscar, Nobel Peace Prize For Slide-Show Presentation.
December 21, 2007: Bush Acknowledges Existence Of Carbon Dioxide.
January 1, 2008: The Candidates.
January 5, 2008: Bush Begins Preparations For Nation’s Final Year.
January 23, 2008: Bill Clinton: ‘Screw It, I’m Running For President’.
January 30, 2008: We Must All Do Our Part To Preserve This Climate Of Fear.
February 15, 2008: Asian Markets Fall Like Cherry Blossoms In Gentle Spring Rain.
February 22, 2008: Bush Hopes Recession Doesn’t Affect Sales Of His Memoirs.
February 27, 2008: Bush Vows To Make It Up To Country Somehow.
March 18, 2008: President Bush Accidentally Signs Cast Into Law.
March 19, 2008: Infographic: McCain’s Running Mate.
March 21, 2008: JPMorgan Chase Acquires Bear Stearns In Tedious-To-Read News Article.
April 9, 2008: Cheney Re-Grows Limb In Front Of Shocked Advisers.
April 9, 2008: Iraq War Memorial Planners Forced To Revise Length Again.
April 10, 2008: $46,000 Vacuumed Out Of White House Couch.
May 1, 2008: President Bush Unveils New ‘Impotence Only’ Sex Policy.
May 14, 2008: Obama Voicemail Message Not That Inspiring.
May 14, 2008: Everything Falling Apart, Reports Institute For Somehow Managing To Hold It All Together.
May 23, 2008: Bush Announces 8-Month Plan To Steal Favorite Desk Lamp.
May 28, 2008: President Bush Converts West Wing Into Injured Animal Shelter.
June 11, 2008: Latest Cheney Tape May Contain Evidence Of His Whereabouts.
June 16, 2008: Grandmother Proud To Have Lived Long Enough To See First Viable Female Candidate Torn Apart.
June 18, 2008: Bush Says He Still Believes Iraq War Was The Fun Thing To Do.
July 2, 2008: Bush Tours America To Survey Damage Caused By His Disastrous Presidency.
July 7, 2008: Steven Tyler Laid Off From Aerosmith As Band’s Jobless Rate Hits 20%.
July 9, 2008: Bill Clinton Sadly Folds First Lady Dress Back Into Box.
July 11, 2008: Debt: Should The World Forgive Ours So We Can Be Rich Again?.
July 14, 2008: Recession-Plagued Nation Demands New Bubble To Invest In.
July 30, 2008: Al Gore Places Infant Son In Rocket To Escape Dying Planet.
August 12, 2008: Cheney On The Court.
August 20, 2008: Basketball Rolls To Stop At Cheney’s Foot.
August 22, 2008: Bush Told To Sign Birthday Treaty For Someone Named ‘Kyoto’.
August 26, 2008: Bush Lets War Widow Punch His Arm Once.
August 27, 2008: Cheney To Speak At Republican Convention From Section 109, Row 56, Seat 3.
September 1, 2008: Cheney Waits Until Last Minute Again To Buy Sept. 11 Gifts.
September 2, 2008: Gay War Hero Awarded Posthumous Dishonorable Discharge At White House Ceremony.
September 3, 2008: Top Story On John McCain Run Out Of Obligation.
September 10, 2008: President Bush Only Has To Spend 20 Trillion To Inherit Bush Family Fortune.
September 10, 2008: Economists Warn Anti-Bush Merchandise Market Close To Collapse.
September 17, 2008: Infographic: Rumors Swirl Around Palin.
September 11, 2008: Obama Suddenly Panicked After Gazing Too Far Into Future.
September 17, 2008: Obama Deletes Another Unread MoveOn.org E-Mail.
September 22, 2008: Man Succumbs To Seven-Year Battle With Health Insurance.
September 24, 2008: Point/Counterpoint: Gov. Palin Has No Foreign Policy Experience…
September 29, 2008: Palin Brushing Up On Foreign Policy At Epcot.
October 3, 2008: Bush Goes Blonde For Remainder Of Presidency.
October 7, 2008: Gunman Kills 15 Potential Voters In Crucial Swing State.
October 13, 2008: Michelle Obama All That Stands Between Love-Struck Media, Barack Obama.
October 15, 2008: Bush Calls For Panic.
October 13, 2008: Financial Planner Advises Shorter Life Span.
October 17, 2008: John McCain Not Going To Ask Cindy McCain Twice.
October 20, 2008: Fleet Of Alien Destroyers Demand Details Of Obama’s Universal Health Care Plan.
October 24, 2008: Palin Family Just Sitting Around Living Room Eating Jerky.
October 24, 2008: Ron Paul Promises To Return When Country Needs Him Most.
October 26, 2008: Lieberman’s Overlords Most Displeased.
October 29, 2008: As Election Draws Near, Area Man Moves To All-Obama T-Shirt Rotation.
October 30, 2008: Struggling Lower Class Still Unsure How Best To Fuck Selves With Vote.
November 1, 2008: Barbara Bush Runs Aground Off Coast Of Maine.
November 3, 2008: Bush Asks Advice For This Friend Of His Who Invaded Iraq.
November 4, 2008: Millions Of Voters Refuse To Exit Polls.
November 4, 2008: Bush: ‘Can I Stop Being President Now?’
November 5, 2008: Black Man Given Nation’s Worst Job.
November 12, 2008: Bush Tumbles Wildly Down Washington Monument Staircase.
November 17, 2008: Fraternity In Danger Of Losing House Launches Harebrained Scheme To Fix Economy.
November 19, 2008: Crocodile Bites Off Bush’s Arm.
November 24, 2008: In Thanksgiving Tradition, Bush Pardons Scooter Libby In Giant Turkey Costume.
November 26, 2008: Vice President Cheney Burns Down White House Aviary.
November 28, 2008: Bush Passes Three-Pound Kidney Stone.
December 1, 2008: I’m Really Gonna Miss Systematically Destroying This Place.
December 2, 2008: U.S. Economy Continues Campaigning For Barack Obama.
December 4, 2008: Bush Dragged Behind Presidential Motorcade For 26 Blocks.
December 8, 2008: Bush’s Eyelid Accidentally Nailed To Wall.
December 9, 2008: Supreme Court Overturns Bush v. Gore.
December 10, 2008: Bush Picks Laser Background For Presidential Portrait.
December 14, 2008: Bush Frustrated By Mother’s Constant Questioning Of His Plans Post-White House.
December 16, 2008: WaMu Files For ChapLev.
December 16, 2008: $700 Billion Bailout Celebrated With Lavish $800 Billion Executive Party.
December 17, 2008: Outgoing First Lady Laura Bush Shows Michelle Obama Secret White House Bone Closet.
December 18, 2008: America’s First Gay President Concludes Historic Second Term.
January 6, 2009: Single-Engine Cessna Crashes Into Bush.
January 9, 2009: Vice President Cheney Seen Dragging Egg Sac Through West Wing.
January 12, 2009: Bush Spends Day Feverishly Booby-Trapping Desk.
January 13, 2009: Vice Presidential Handlers Lure Cheney Into Traveling Crate.
January 13, 2009: Congress Debates Adding Elaborate Dance To Obama’s Inauguration Ceremony.
January 14, 2009: Spider Eggs Hatch In Bush’s Brain.
January 14, 2009: Bush, Cheney Stand Back-To-Back, Cock Shotguns One Last Time.

So there. All that remains now is for Bush to spend the rest of his life doing penitential good works.*

Addendum: Trust The Onion to bring the whole Bush saga to a tidy conclusion:

January 20, 2009: Bush Dies Peacefully In His Sleep.

George W. Bush, 43rd president of the United States of America, passed away painlessly in his sleep Monday night, White House sources confirmed. The 62-year-old Bush was reportedly discovered lying unresponsive in his bed by first lady Laura Bush, a gentle smile still on his lips. “It was as though he knew it was his time to go,” said longtime family physician Dr. Harold Ditmas, who pronounced the president dead of natural causes at 7:24 a.m. Plans for Bush’s funeral have been postponed indefinitely following an unexpected incident in which the president’s corpse was sucked through an Air Force One jet engine.
_________________________
* Or not; see also, I’m Not One Of Those Insecure Generals Who Needs To Win A Lot Of Battles, April 16, 2009.
Comments on The true history of the Bush years:
#1 ::: xeger ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 12:31 AM:

Somehow I find myself thinking that "penitential good works" are probably exactly what Bush thought he was doing...

#2 ::: Matthew Brown ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 12:33 AM:

Although it does sometimes feel that Bush read the Onion to work out what he should be doing next.

#3 ::: Madeline Ashby ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 12:34 AM:

We know how the story looked like to people who didn’t know how it was going to come out.

You have expressed far more eloquently that which I have been attempting to synthesize for weeks, now. Thank you.

#4 ::: Dom ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 12:44 AM:

That list makes the 2000's seem like a decade of remarkably boring comedians.

#5 ::: Teresa Nielsen Hayden ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 12:54 AM:

Dom, don't tell me Internet Affective Disorder is now breaking out on Making Light as well as Boing Boing.

#6 ::: Stefan Jones ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 12:57 AM:

Good Lord.

The classic "end to nightmare of peace and posterity" satire actually seems understated.

#7 ::: Linkmeister ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 01:01 AM:

Somebody find a .wav file of a cymbal to append to each item on that list. Or maybe a rimshot on a snare.

My merciful heavens, Teresa, what a lot of work that was!

#8 ::: Xopher ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 01:17 AM:

Linkmeister, your step-cousin is not averse to hard work.

#9 ::: Bruce Cohen (SpeakerToManagers) ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 01:18 AM:

I think a Bronx Cheer would be appropriate.

#10 ::: Dave Bell ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 01:18 AM:

penitential good works?

Does that mean he will run a soap kitchen for the poor?

#11 ::: Keith K ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 01:20 AM:

Thank you, Teresa, for assembling this all in one place.

I think, for me, the most depressing one was by a long shot Bush: 'Our Long National Nightmare Of Peace And Prosperity Is Finally Over' in that it very neatly laid out all the worst abuses of this presidency (if in rather non-specific terms) from his aggression to ridiculous financial regulatory policy just days before he took office.

#12 ::: Teresa Nielsen Hayden ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 01:22 AM:

Linkmeister, I will not deny that that was a lot of work. If I were really industrious, I'd go through and italicize all the items that are radio or video rather than text. I'd also correct all the erroneous capitalizations in the article titles.

The single item I'm proudest of is "DNA Evidence Frees Man From Zoo." It kept tugging at the hem of my brain for about thirty-six hours, until I finally realized that it was probably intended as a comment on our illegally held prisoners at Abu Ghraib and Guantanamo. It's known that some of them did nothing more than happen along at the wrong moment; and we don't think it's our responsibility to either prove that they are what we say they are, or let them go.

I could be wrong. Until I get over being saturated with Onion-ness, that thought will continue to appear in my head as an Onion headline: Area Woman Reads Too Much Meaning Into Humorous Article.

#13 ::: Xopher ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 01:29 AM:

My favorite was Second Birthday In A Row Ruined By Terrorism—they even "reported" it from Hoboken, NJ!

I just celebrated my birthday for the first time since 2001 this past fall.

#14 ::: Linkmeister ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 01:31 AM:

Xopher @ #8, well, I know that, but the volume!

Poor Onion. I suspect it's going to have to work a little harder to find similar elements of the Obama Administration to satirize.

#15 ::: Xopher ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 01:34 AM:

Oh no! Satire is harder when there's almost nothing you can say that's more absurd than the truth.

#16 ::: Clifton Royston ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 01:43 AM:

This seems an appropriate thread to note that the N.Y. Times actually cited one of those headlines, "Black Man Given Nation’s Worst Job" in an editorial in the last few days. That somehow seems worthy of an Onion article itself.

#17 ::: Glenn Hauman ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 03:48 AM:

All that remains now is for Bush to spend the rest of his life doing penitential good works.

I think that's a typo. It should read "All that remains now is for Bush to spend the rest of his life doing good works in a penitentiary."

#18 ::: skzb ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 04:26 AM:

I do not believe it is entirely accurate to call the Bush years a failure. Oil profits reached record highs. Is there any reason to believe he would care about any of the rest of it?

#19 ::: Daniel Klein ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 05:54 AM:

Wow, especially the "Long Nightmare" article is scarily spot-on. In it, Bush promises a 250% increase of the military budget. Does anyone have the actual numbers of what he ended up spending on military compared to 2000? Because I have a feeling that the Onion might have been very correct in this, too.

#20 ::: KJK::Hyperion ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 06:15 AM:

You missed the ultimate Palin article: Area Woman Becomes Republican Vice Presidential Candidate

And I wonder what's the meaning of the series of news briefs starting from November 12, 2008 where Bush suffers progressively more gruesome wounds. I wonder if they'll make a final article today

#21 ::: Chris ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 07:17 AM:

Bush Lifts Ban On Vigilantism: ‘Let’s See What Happens,’ Says President.

Just when you thought he had absolutely nothing in common with Gregor Vorbarra...

#22 ::: Deleted Spammer ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 07:30 AM:

Spam removed.
IP address: 83.249.196.96

#23 ::: Sus ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 08:20 AM:

Thank you so much, Teresa, for doing all this work! A bookmark for years to come.

#24 ::: Mac H ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 08:56 AM:

This is probably the most beautifully written one:

September 26, 2001: God Angrily Clarifies ‘Don’t Kill’ Rule.

It made me weep just a little inside reading it.

Mac

#25 ::: Neil Willcox ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 09:08 AM:

Bush Gives France 30 Days To Speak English

Wasn't that a Transmetropolitan story?

#26 ::: Glenn Hauman ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 09:19 AM:

#22: That's not spam, that's deliberate venom.

#27 ::: WereBear ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 09:30 AM:

Gosh, Teresa, we really don't know whether to laugh or cry.

And we wind up doing both.

SO and I sometimes picture ourselves forty years from now, doddering out to our rocking chair to contribute to a Studs Terkel-type oral history, I Lived Through The Bush Disaster, and I always imagine us trying to explain it.

"At first, there was this strong sense of unreality, and then we realized they meant it..."

#28 ::: Madeline Ashby ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 10:14 AM:

@28:

I go through the same thing. I don't have children, but I'm already working on the explanatory speeches I'll have to deliver when I inevitably dissolve into tears of relief while watching Bush and Cheney's very public funerals.

#29 ::: Del Cotter ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 10:32 AM:

Just when you thought he had absolutely nothing in common with Gregor Vorbarra...

You mean apart from being the autocratic heir of a family of bloodthirsty lunatics?

#30 ::: Adam Rice ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 10:33 AM:

Someone actually prepared a link-annotated version of the 'long national nightmare' Onion article. I think it was done in '05; I'm sure a few links could be added by now.

#31 ::: Bruce Cohen (SpeakerToManagers) ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 10:35 AM:

skzb @ 18
Is there any reason to believe he would care about any of the rest of it?

He seems to be trying to pitch some sort of "historical long view" of his works. I think he's finally figured out that hundreds of millions of people hate his guts, and it bothers him in a vague sort of way. So he give a speech to remind us all of his "good intentions". Road-to-hell toll-road still open, you pay for your own seat in the handbasket.

#32 ::: skimble ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 10:43 AM:

You missed my favorite Bush-Onion headline of all, the one I've been quoting since I first laid eyes on it on October 24, 2001.

Privileged Children Of Millionaires Square Off On World Stage

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28092

#33 ::: Josh Millard ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 11:06 AM:

Ha! Nicely done, Teresa.

#34 ::: Rich ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 11:11 AM:

Teresa,

Just so you know, expect a large group of first-time readers - you've been added to Gorilla Mask for today's web finds.

(and thanks for the effort in compiling this!)

#35 ::: JC ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 11:11 AM:

Isn't there an American tradition of lackluster presidents comporting themselves far better as ex-presidents?

In his final days, Bush did seem to become aware that he'd leave some sort of legacy. Perhaps he'll eventually realize what he has wrought, and make amends. I mean, by virtue of his reputation (or perhaps lack thereof) as a speaker, it's hard to see him doing the lecturing tour. It's even harder to see him as a diplomat or ambassador of the American people.

What else do ex-presidents do?

#36 ::: Lizzy L ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 11:15 AM:

I just read a story in the WaPo about the difficulty outgoing Republican political appointees in D. C. are having finding work.

...For many Bush appointees, this is the first time they've been on the job market for years, if not decades. Many came to Washington during the 1990s to take jobs in the Republican-controlled Congress, only to move into the administration after Bush's 2000 election.

"These are people who haven't put together a résumé in 20 years," said Steve Gunderson, a former Republican congressman who is president of the Council on Foundations. He has been reviewing résumés of those seeking jobs in the nonprofit sector. "It's a first for them in developing résumés, applying for open and competitive jobs, and trying to figure out where their skills might work best."

At the end of the article, one Republican who got out in time is quoted thusly: "The market is so poor...that some senior GOP congressional aides are fighting over taking a pay cut from $130,000 to $140,000 to just $60,000 to $70,000."

I may be a bad, mean person, but I cannot find it in my heart to feel sorry for them.

#37 ::: P J Evans ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 11:37 AM:

JC @ 36
Some of them become alcoholics, because it's the only way they can handle being off-stage. (More often, that's what happens to their children.)

#38 ::: John Chu ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 12:01 PM:

[BTW, that was me in #36. I forgot that this is one of the few places where I actually use my name, not that JC is particularly anonymous, especially if you look at my email address. OTOH, most people don't know me by that email address. I rarely use it. Mostly, it sits there and collects spam.]

P J Evans@38: Isn't Bush already an alcoholic?

Anyway, I remember listening to an NPR report where Bush supporters hope that his presidency will look better in retrospect (cf. Truman). Obviously, it's too early to know how history will eventually judge him. However, right now, the "he played the horrible cards he was dealt as well as anyone could have" argument isn't working for me.

#39 ::: Earl Cooley III ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 12:01 PM:

JC #36: Isn't there an American tradition of lackluster presidents comporting themselves far better as ex-presidents?

The bar is set pretty high with Carter's support of Habitat For Humanity and Bush Sr. and Clinton's efforts for the Tsunami Relief Fund.

Perhaps Dubya could form a Fratboy Hazing Legal Defense Fund....

#40 ::: Caroline ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 12:07 PM:

Mac H @ 25, I had that one printed out and hanging on my wall for months after 9/11. Their 9/11 issue hit just the right note of sadness and outrage with sanity-preserving humor. It's hard to do that.

Also, I am pretty sure the "Long National Nightmare of Peace and Prosperity" article proves that the Onion has a time machine.

#41 ::: Dan Hoey ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 12:12 PM:

John Chu@39: Anyway, I remember listening to an NPR report where Bush supporters hope that his presidency will look better in retrospect (cf. Truman).

That's a pretty low bar—Truman isn't in it. More like Nixon, but I'm not sure even Nixon is low enough to compete for unimpressive rehabilitation.

#42 ::: Charlie Stross ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 12:22 PM:

Dan @42: Nixon was corrupt and evil, but at least he was competent. Dubya seems to have won the trifecta (corrupt, evil, and clueless).

Twelve or thirteen hours to go, right?

#43 ::: WereBear ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 12:29 PM:

Awww, W never wanted to be President, he wanted to be Baseball Commissioner!

Would that he'd gotten his wish. Yes, it'd be bad for baseball, but we can clean that up more easily than the whole country.

#44 ::: Dan Hoey ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 12:31 PM:

Charlie@43: In the presence of corruption and evil, I tend to consider inefficacy a virtue.

Unfortunately, still 23 hours to the beginning of the swearing-in ceremony.

#45 ::: Chris Quinones ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 12:50 PM:

WereBear, 44: He may still get to be commissioner; MLB is rife with wingnutty goodness. It won't happen any time soon, but after 2012 all bets are off.

#46 ::: Serge ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 12:52 PM:

Lizzy L @ 37... I think I too am a bad person.

#47 ::: Fragano Ledgister ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 01:29 PM:

Dave Bell #10: W is the sort of man who would try to feed the hungry with soap.

#48 ::: Patrick Nielsen Hayden ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 01:39 PM:

Charlie Stross, #43: "Twelve or thirteen hours to go, right?

I think you must be calculating the time difference in the wrong direction; here in Eastern Standard Time, the Bush administration has just a bit over 22 hours left.

As Avram Grumer pointed out a couple of days ago, that's still enough time to completely screw up one more thing!

#49 ::: Serge ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 01:48 PM:

Fragano @ 48... I'd think he should be the one being fed soap.

#50 ::: Chris Quinones ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 01:54 PM:

PNH, 49: Only one thing? (I'll have to take that up with Avram.) I'd think six things before breakfast, myself.

#51 ::: Alex ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 01:57 PM:

Come on, Teresa; which is the real news story you hid in there?

(I'm betting on U.S. To Send 30,000 Mall Security Guards To Iraq. After all, "Mall Ninja" sums up the performance, responsibility, discipline etc. of most of those Private Security Goons pretty well.)

Is anyone else astonished that there's been no pardon confetti yet?

#52 ::: Caroline ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 01:59 PM:

WereBear @ 28, I recently picked up our book of Get Your War On comics, and realized it will be to my children what the marginalia in the Principia Discordia is to me -- I know the general historical context, but not all of the specific jokes. It's the commentary on news of a particular time, rather than the news itself (though GYWO does provide citations). ("So wait, Mom, explain to me again who Judith Miller was?")

Of course, I'll probably try to keep GYWO out of reach until they're a little older, because of the language. But then I'll explain that yes, it really did make us want to curse that much. God forbid their history teachers ask them to interview us on tape about the Bush administration. Discussing the Bush administration practically requires some F-bombs. (More likely they'll be asked to interview us about where we were on 9/11. That story I can tell without using F-bombs.)

#53 ::: Edd Vick ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 02:37 PM:

Caroline at #53: Of course, I'll probably try to keep GYWO out of reach until they're a little older, because of the language.

One of wife Amy's favorite sayings is that she learned to curse during the Nixon trials. Our daughter's 9, and I'd say she's been getting a good grounding in classic expletives the past few years.

#54 ::: Wyman Cooke ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 03:04 PM:

Wow. Just wow. That's an impressive list. I wonder how well they'll do with making fun of Obama?

#55 ::: Becky ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 03:15 PM:

Caroline @ 41: Also, I am pretty sure the "Long National Nightmare of Peace and Prosperity" article proves that the Onion has a time machine.

One of the common arguments against the possibility of time-travel is, "Where are all the time-travelers from the future?" That article -- plus the Fuck Everything, We're Doing Five Blades -- is what cemented my belief that they're writers for The Onion.

#56 ::: Patrick Nielsen Hayden ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 03:22 PM:

I'm sure the Onion will do just fine making fun of the incoming administration.

#57 ::: David Harmon ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 03:24 PM:

Regarding making fun of the Obama Administration... I think it was Jon Stewart who said, "Please, make my job harder!" Really, I'll be glad when the comedians stop making more sense than the politicians....

My favorite was still "Al Gore Places Infant Son In Rocket To Escape Dying Planet".


#58 ::: Jnthn, 24.60.132.215 ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 03:25 PM:

My dvc s t gt th fck vr th Bsh dmnstrtn. Srsly. Mv n, lbrls. Y ll hv pprntly frgttn th pthtc shp tht slmy bstrd Clntn lft mrc n.

#59 ::: Constance ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 03:34 PM:

They have plans to fix the misperceptions of their regime:The Shadow Government in Dallas, that a few weeks ago Jeb declared must be created to counter the Obama administration and continue correct governance.

The WaPo reports that "Bush's Post-Presidency to Include More Than a Library," from where Jeb&AlltheCriminalCronies can continue their terrorism on this nation and the world, while also from where they can continue to spew and disseminate their lies and revisionist history.

This ilk is the definition of "Never surrender, never give up." And now they can't even get high-paying to distract them with buying stuff. Hope Obama will get this sooner rather than later.

Love, C.

#60 ::: Earl Cooley III ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 03:41 PM:

I find it quaint that anyone, even a drive-by, would think that ML had an automated obscenity filter.

#61 ::: abi ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 03:43 PM:

Jonathan the drive-by reminds me of what I really, really miss about America under Clinton.

I miss a nation where a lie about a blow job represented a major betrayal of trust between a President and the nation.

Now it's all excessive assumption of executive power, torture, violation of Geneva conventions, and helplessness in the face of economic collapse. Sex scandals seem so sweet and simple by comparison.

I'll get the fuck over Bush when we have that kind of innocence back.

#62 ::: Caroline ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 03:52 PM:

You all have apparently forgotten the pathetic shape that slimy bastard Clinton left America in.

You mean, with a massive budget surplus, a decent economy (with jobs), and no ongoing wars?....

#63 ::: WereBear ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 03:54 PM:

Caroline @ 53: I hear ya. I have never cursed so much, so long, and so creatively as I have the last two terms. It's the massive frustration and horror, I think.

Over George W. Bush?

I'll never get over George W. Bush!

#64 ::: Serge ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 04:17 PM:

Constance @ 60... "Never surrender, never give up."

You just reminded me I haven't watched Galaxy Quest for quite some time, by Grabtha's Hammer!

#65 ::: Raphael ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 04:38 PM:

Usually I'm pretty good at telling parody from serious stuff, but in Johnathan's case, I'm not so sure- ok, telling others to move on and then talking about the Clinton Administration directly afterwards sure sounds like a joke, but then again, the wingers' complete lack of self-awareness and inability to see contradictions in the things they do and say are pretty legendary.

You all have apparently forgotten the pathetic shape that slimy bastard Clinton left America in.

How could we, given that it's so well described in the best-known ones of the articles on that list? (The "long national nightmare" article, in case you really don't get it.)

#66 ::: Brenda Clough ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 04:41 PM:

Teresa! This page is cited on the Washington POST web site! Go here: http://voices.washingtonpost.com/political-browser/?hpid=topnews

#67 ::: Linkmeister ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 04:41 PM:

Just FYI, I think that quotation is actually "Don't give up, don't ever give up" from former NC State basketball coach Jim Valvano at the ESPY Award show two months before he died of cancer.

#68 ::: Keith ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 04:53 PM:

JC@#36:
Isn't there an American tradition of lackluster presidents comporting themselves far better as ex-presidents?

I assume you're referring to Jimmy Carter. But for Bush to reach that level of stellar ex-presidency, he would have had to have at least meant well and had the self awareness to acknowledge that he failed to reach the expected level of greatness, or even competency. Bush is a legend in his own mind and you can tell he thinks very highly of himself every time he opens his crooked little mouth.

The thing that pisses me off more then anything else Bush has done, is his smug sense of self righteousness. His insistence that we peons are simply to ignorant (i.e. poor) to get how great a man he really is and so it's all for the smarter, richer better people of the future to decide (So long as they are GOP operatives).

If only one person was allowed to write the historical account of the Bush years that would be saved for the ages, I'd like it to be a black woman from New Orleans.

#69 ::: Dan Hoey ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 05:04 PM:

abi@62: Eloquent, but you surely know innocence doesn't come back. Don't throw away your tinfoil helmet.

Jnthn drvb is doing us an important service—the tantrums of the vanquished remind us that they're still out there.

#70 ::: P J Evans ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 05:09 PM:

Bush is a legend in his own mind and you can tell he thinks very highly of himself every time he opens his crooked little mouth.

He probably thinks he actually owned the Rangers - he was really a minority shareholder. Basically he was a name and a face for them to use to get more investors.

I want him and Cheney - especially Cheney - to end up in a circle of Hell below Benedict Arnold, so Arnold can sh*t on them.

#71 ::: Patrick ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 05:11 PM:

Wow, the post from 1/17/2001 was scarily prescient wasn't it?


#72 ::: Patrick Nielsen Hayden ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 05:29 PM:

Brenda Clough, #67: Thanks! Teresa says "EEEEEEE."

#73 ::: Clifton Royston ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 06:01 PM:

Jnthn is a nice reminder of why I'm finally baking Schadenfreude Pie tonight, to bring into work tomorrow. Whimper and whine away, sore losers!

#74 ::: Teresa Nielsen Hayden ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 06:19 PM:

Jnthn @59, how do you expect people to read your dismvowelled text if you don't spellcheck your comments before you post them?

#75 ::: Francis ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 06:27 PM:

Someone annotated the Long National Nightmare article back in about 2004 IIRC. The links don't all work any more. But that was true prescience (and has been said before understated).

#76 ::: Bill Higgins-- Beam Jockey ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 06:45 PM:

Patrick writes in #49:

Charlie Stross, #43: "Twelve or thirteen hours to go, right?"

I think you must be calculating the time difference in the wrong direction; here in Eastern Standard Time, the Bush administration has just a bit over 22 hours left.

Reflexive nitpickers make up 57% of Charlie Stross's readership.

As Avram Grumer pointed out a couple of days ago, that's still enough time to completely screw up one more thing!

I wonder whether the networks have graphics prepared for this eventuality. Spinning chrome logos, against a desaturated montage of artillery fire and zooming aircraft: FINAL FIASCO: THE BUSH LEGACY...

#77 ::: beth meacham ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 06:50 PM:

Oh! Cliff @74, what an utterly fabulous idea. It would probably kill me to eat a piece, but it's the perfect refreshment for an Inauguration Party.

#78 ::: Teresa Nielsen Hayden ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 06:57 PM:

Y'know, when I carried a sign that said WE WILL NOT GET OVER THIS at the inaugural protest in January 2001, some stupid fuck in a Confederate uniform jeered at me for holding a grudge.

We've been having far-right wingnuts and thugs tell us to "get over it" for at least a decade now. What they mean is that they want us to join them in pretending that what their favored officials do is legal; that their arguments make sense and are backed up by facts; that the rest of the world can't tell what they're doing; and that their policies and initiatives work. While we're at it, they'd like us to pretend that they come off from these interactions looking intelligent; and they'd really like us to stop mentioning that the Bush administration's policies have screwed them over, too.

Wingnuttia has to label Bill Clinton a monster because otherwise they'd be tempted to notice that the real reason their leaders went after him wasn't his morals -- most of them had grimier personal lives than Clinton -- but because they refused to accept that being legally elected by a majority of the voters meant he got to be president. What they did wasn't so much an attempted impeachment as an attempted coup.

If the wingnuts actually let that thought cross their minds, next thing you know they'd be reflecting that they're all little guys, just like the rest of us, and that powerful officials who don't want to count the votes and accept the results are by definition not their friends.

One of the many reasons I love The Onion is that it notices that too: this country is full of hard-pressed hard-working little guys who vote Republican. They've lost their pensions and their 401(k) plans (if they had them to start with), their jobs have gone overseas, they're struggling to keep up with their mortgages, and they can't even get out and start over by declaring bankruptcy -- but they still keep voting Republican.

#79 ::: Linkmeister ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 06:58 PM:

Swearing-in takes place at 0700HST, so I'm thinking cinnamon rolls.

#80 ::: Serge ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 07:18 PM:

Teresa @ 79... they still keep voting Republican

Funny you should say that. When I got money out the ATM in the office's lobby today, the security guard asked why I needed money. "To spend it", I said. "Why?" he said. "Tomorrow your people will start takingmoney away from the Rich." I simply smiled, and pointed out that Dick Cheney and his friend had stolen most of that money from the country. He had nothing to say to that, this guy who had a severe car accident a few years ago, and whose health coverage allowed him to recover, and who did not lose his job while he was recovering. Idiot.

#81 ::: Iván ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 07:38 PM:

You missed this one, highly recommended:

Nation Finally Shitty Enough to Make Social Progress, from Nov 5 08.

#82 ::: David Harmon ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 07:52 PM:

As I think I said in the last OT, last week I was talking to my tobacconist, and he said that in his whole life, he'd only voted for two Democratic candidates for president: Kennedy, and Obama. I told him "Hey, if you had to pick two, those were the right ones!"

#84 ::: KJK::Hyperion ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 08:13 PM:

And I swear all I know about Islamic fundamentalism I learned from Talking To Your Child About The WTC Attack

#85 ::: Kayjayoh ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 08:17 PM:

WereBear @44:

Awww, W never wanted to be President, he wanted to be Baseball Commissioner!

Would that he'd gotten his wish. Yes, it'd be bad for baseball, but we can clean that up more easily than the whole country.

For a number of years I have been jokingly blaming Bud Selig for everything that has gone wrong in this country, since I don't think even Bush could have done worse things to baseball than Selig did, and Selig was unlikely to have become president. (Of course, being a Brewers fan I have a special hate for Selig.)

Oh for that alternate universe. :)

And here's to tomorrow!

#86 ::: Linkmeister ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 08:22 PM:

Condi Rice still has aspirations of being NFL Commissioner, as I recall.

Bush? Selig? Ouch, tough choice.

One of Bush's exit interviews included his statement that he was too much of a Type A (!) personality to sit around on the beach in a Hawaiian shirt. How much more can one country/world take?

#87 ::: Constance ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 08:59 PM:

#65 ::: Serge:

[ "Never surrender, never give up."

"You just reminded me I haven't watched Galaxy Quest for quite some time, by Grabtha's Hammer!" ]

Then I've done something for the force of good today. :)

I haven't seen it in too long myself. My husband and laughed ourselves nearly sick when we saw back then.

Love, C.

#88 ::: Stefan Jones ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 09:02 PM:

#82: That one was sheer genius. Cynical, but profound.

#89 ::: Constance ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 09:11 PM:

#69 ::: Keith

"If only one person was allowed to write the historical account of the Bush years that would be saved for the ages, I'd like it to be a black woman from New Orleans."

We had dinner with the production manager for Spike Lee's When the Levees Broke today. He ran just about everything except the film footage research. He was on the ground the second the pumps got the water out in October. His local crew literally could not keep working when they went to the Lower 9th, they were weeping so hard. As you probably know When the Levees Broke was shown first to New Orleanians, in New Orleans Superdome. People wept for four hours non-stop.

It's not over, not by any remote sense of imagination. People's pain and trauma is a resevoir as vast what the levees' failure did to New Orleans, and goes on and on. But they are continuing to work, to move on. Except those who can't because they drowned or were turned back and died, or because it all got to be more than a solitary soul can bear.

Love, C.

#90 ::: Teresa Nielsen Hayden ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 09:22 PM:

Ivan, I had that one in the original version of the list, then took it out. It fell on the same date as "Black Man Given Nation's Worst Job": a closely related and better joke.

I'll bet I can forestall a bunch of questions by explaining what I didn't include. I arbitrarily left out most of the regular features, like the "American Voices" and "What Do You Think?" pieces, the guest columnists, the infographics, and many of the multimedia items.

Also:

November 8, 2000: Bush Or Gore: 'A New Era Dawns'.
February 21, 2001: Bush Still Getting Clinton's Mail.
February 28, 2001: Bush Seeking Non-Masturbating Surgeon General.
June 6, 2001: Bush Picks Up 20 Copies Of Washington Post He's In.
June 20, 2001: Jenna Bush's Federally Protected Wetlands Now Open For Public Drilling.
August 15, 2001: Laura Bush Noisily Devours Infant.
October 03, 2001: Sales Of Chamomile Tea, Gas Masks Up Sharply.
October 03, 2001: Network Programming Dominated By Surreality TV.
October 10, 2001: Screaming Japanese Schoolgirls Overturn Greenspan's Bus.
October 10, 2001: Dildo Manufacturers Association: Nation Must Return To Normalcy, Purchase Dildos.
October 31, 2001: Terrorism Storylines Being Added To TV Shows As Quickly As They Were Dropped.
November 07, 2001: Flood Of Cheap Afghan Heroin To Arrive Just In Time For Recession.
December 19, 2001: Report: U.S. Must Reduce Dependence On Foreign Turmoil.
December 19, 2001: National Board Of Steve Jaskoviak Requests $10 Billion Bailout.
April 10, 2002: Cheney Returns To U.S. With Full Head Of Thick, Wavy Hair.
June 12, 2002: Bush Extremely Proud Of New Suit.
June 19, 2002: Gore Begins Training For 2004 Election In Remote Mountain Cabin.
July 17, 2002: Cheney Caught Moonlighting.
April 16, 2003: 45 More Legislators Lose Jobs To Increased Congressional Automation.
May 7, 2003: Bush To Lovely Chilean Ambassador:'I Must Paint You'.
July 9, 2003: Giant Girl Forces Playthings Cheney And Rumsfeld To Wed.
July 23, 2003: Deficit-Wracked Maryland Calls It Quits.
October 8, 2003: Gorillagram Employee Shot By White House Security.
November 19, 2003: African Leaders Still Treating Clinton As President.
May 19, 2004: White House Slam Dunk Contest Results In No Slam Dunks.
November 17, 2004: Actual Governing To Resume.
December 8, 2004: Bollywood Remake Of Fahrenheit 9/11 Criticizes Bush Administration Through Show-Stopping Musical Numbers.
January 5, 2005: Bush Vows To Put Man On Moon Before It Disappears At End Of Month'.
January 19, 2005: White House Dishwasher Tenders Resignation.
March 16, 2005: Bush Followed Everywhere By Line Of Baby Ducks.
April 6, 2005: Terri Schiavo Dies of Embarrassment.
July 20, 2005: New Puppy Teaches Congress Important Lesson About Responsibility.
July 27, 2005: Embattled Rove Seeks Asylum In Scarborough Country.
August 24, 2005: Bush Calls For Rock Revolution In Weekly Pirate-Radio Address.
August 31, 2005: Republicans, Democrats Unite In Good Laugh Over Reform Party.
October 20, 2005: Department Of The Interior's Official Seal Definitely Bush's Favorite.
November 22, 2005: White House Séance Fails To Contact Spirit Of Ronald Reagan.
December 2, 2005: Bush Proposes Trickle-Down Electronics Plan For School Computers.
December 7, 2005: Report: U.S. Coupon Wealth Largely Untapped.
December 9, 2005: President Bush: 'I Only Have One More Year To Go As President'.
December 21, 2005: President Bush To Airdrop His Texas Chili Recipe To Third World Countries.
January 17, 2006: U.S. Holds Going-Out-Of-Business Sale.
April 25, 2006: Bush Promotes Hydrogen As Alternative Fuel Source.
April 28, 2006: President Bush Gives Zambia Emergency Cell Phone.
July 19, 2006: Bush Arrives At Caribbean Summit Aboard Catamaran One.
August 7, 2006: Bush Designates USA Today "Small Business".
March 14, 2007: Kerry Blasts Bush's Breakfast Plan.
June 18, 2007: After 5 Years In U.S., Terrorist Cell Too Complacent To Carry Out Attack.
October 15, 2007: Laura Bush: U.S. To Condemn Burma.
December 5, 2007: Seating Chart Revised To Put Problem Senators Up Front.
January 30, 2008: Congress To Raise Alpacas To Aid Struggling Economy.
February 5, 2008: Bush To Meet With Agriculture Secretary Down In The Holler.
April 21, 2008: Financial Analysts Offer To Talk About Recession For $5.
May 22, 2008: 'Wheel Of Fortune' Contestants Hit Hard As Vowel Prices Skyrocket.
August 6, 2008: Bush To Olympians: 'Bring Back Lots Of Valuable Gold'.
September 17, 2008: My Son Has Exactly The Ideas Needed To Turn This Company Around.
October 3, 2008: Bush Calls In National Marching Band To Lift U.S. Spirits.
October 15, 2008: The Imminent Collapse Of Global Markets Is No Reason To Skimp On Four-Season Gutter Protection.
October 28, 2008: Report: Election May Come Down To Single Candidate.
November 3, 2008: Struggling Americans Forced To Work Extra-Dimensional 4th Shift.
November 4, 2008: Magical Voting Booth Transforms Clearheaded Americans Into Reactionist Morons.
November 5, 2008: Nation Finally Shitty Enough to Make Social Progress.
December 4, 2008: Bill Clinton Agrees To Disclose Guacamole Recipe.
December 17, 2008: Area Woman Becomes Republican Vice Presidential Candidate.
May 27, 2008: Daring Bush Returns From Egypt With Crystal Skull.

December 9, 2008: President To Face Down Monster Attack, Own Demons In Action-Packed Schedule.

#91 ::: Teresa Nielsen Hayden ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 09:29 PM:

Stefan @89, I agree: it was a great piece. I excluded it for the good of the list. If I had it all to do over again, there are at least a dozen other pieces in the final version that I would have cut.

#92 ::: Teresa Nielsen Hayden ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 09:37 PM:

KJK, that's another one I considered, but left out. It didn't jell for me as a comment on rigged voting systems. It seemed more like a last-minute case of nerves on the writer's part.

I'll confess to one other reason for leaving it out: that word in the headline should have been "reactionary" rather than "reactionist". It set my teeth on edge.

#93 ::: Teresa Nielsen Hayden ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 09:49 PM:

I just now remembered the other piece I meant to include in the main entry:

November 5, 2003: Energy Secretary Just Assumed Cabinet Knew He Did Porn Films In The '80s.

#94 ::: Constance ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 10:33 PM:

BTW, You can hear Vaquero live talking about history, New Orleans, music, politics here:

New Orleans, the Recovery Model: Ned Sublette

Chris Leydon had the cojones to leave in Vaquero's wistful wish that George Bush not leave the White House ... in a suit, rather than in an orange arrestee's prison overall, in company with his criminalgangofcronies.

Vaquero feels he's justified himself to a degree by getting that statement out there, on the radio waves, on the last day of the crime regime.

Love, C.

#95 ::: heresiarch ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 10:45 PM:

My browser tab shortened "Energy Secretary Just Assumed Cabinet Knew He Did Porn Films In The '80s" to "Energy Secretary Just Ass...", which would also have been a good Onion story or two.

#96 ::: Lizzy L ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 10:48 PM:

Linkmeister, I picked up an apple danish for tomorrow morning, some chicken & apple sausages for the week, and for tonight (sitting with my feet up, watching The Wire, contemplating the morning) a chocolate bar. (It's a big one, it'll actually last four days at my nibble rate. Yum.) Low key celebrating -- but oh, I am so happy I feel like dancing.

All together now.

We hate to see you go.
We hate to see you go.
We hope to heck you never come back,
We hate to see you go -- NOT!

#97 ::: Dr Paisley ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 10:55 PM:

Teresa@79:

Y'know, when I carried a sign that said WE WILL NOT GET OVER THIS at the inaugural protest in January 2001, some stupid fuck in a Confederate uniform jeered at me for holding a grudge.

The appropriate response would be "YR DOIN' IT WRONG!" Flaming bag of cat poop to the head optional, but so tempting.

Thanks so much for all the effort you put into this.

#98 ::: Scott Wyngarden ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 10:58 PM:

There was an protest in Dupont Circle today featuring a large inflatable Bush-in-flight-suit and shoes to throw. Most everyone was very happy to toss a pair.

I posted some pictures of it to my flickr page.

#99 ::: Steve Taylor ::: (view all by) ::: January 19, 2009, 11:53 PM:

Caroline at #41 writes:

> Their 9/11 issue hit just the right note of sadness and outrage with sanity-preserving humor.

The one about the woman baking the American flag cake after seeing the world trade center destroyed was unbeatable - absurd and pointless and brave and melancholy and compassionate and idiotic and stoic - a swirl of emotions that could be expressed by nothing better than the article itself.

#100 ::: Serge ::: (view all by) ::: January 20, 2009, 12:02 AM:

Constance @ 88... I hope this YouTube clip doesn't make you sick.

#101 ::: Teresa Nielsen Hayden ::: (view all by) ::: January 20, 2009, 01:20 AM:

Scott Wyngarden, you're on the front page.

#102 ::: Bruce Cohen (SpeakerToManagers) ::: (view all by) ::: January 20, 2009, 01:20 AM:

Linkmeister @ 87

Condi Rice still has aspirations of being NFL Commissioner, as I recall.

Alternate Universe Condi Rice with a beard! Far out!

#103 ::: Charlie Stross ::: (view all by) ::: January 20, 2009, 05:40 AM:

Jonathan @59: You're telling liberals to get over the previous presidency and move on, but you yourself can't get over the one before that?

Talk about two-faced hypocrisy.

In other news, Dick Cheney has apparently hurt his back and will be attending the inauguration in a wheelchair. I wonder if he'll have trouble with arm control? ("Mein Fuhrer, I can ... walk!")

#104 ::: Michael I ::: (view all by) ::: January 20, 2009, 08:39 AM:

Theresa@91

It appears that the item "Bush Reluctantly Accepts Donation from Parents" in on both the main list and the list in #91.

#105 ::: KJK::Hyperion ::: (view all by) ::: January 20, 2009, 10:04 AM:

myself @ 20: Bush Dies Peacefully In His Sleep. And so it ends.

#106 ::: KJK::Hyperion ::: (view all by) ::: January 20, 2009, 10:07 AM:

Teresa @ 93: I meant to answer your "... but they still keep voting Republican"

#107 ::: Ned ::: (view all by) ::: January 20, 2009, 10:50 AM:

KJK @ 106: Nice coda.

#108 ::: Kate Nepveu ::: (view all by) ::: January 20, 2009, 12:04 PM:

I hope that _The Onion_ never has opportunity again to do as painfully well as it did in its September 26, 2001 issue.

#109 ::: Neil Willcox ::: (view all by) ::: January 21, 2009, 06:35 AM:

Y'know, when I carried a sign that said WE WILL NOT GET OVER THIS at the inaugural protest in January 2001, some stupid fuck in a Confederate uniform jeered at me for holding a grudge.

It's one of those situations: I have a historical grievance; you hold a grudge; they should just get over it alrady.

#110 ::: Wrye ::: (view all by) ::: January 21, 2009, 08:13 PM:

Caroline @41, Steve @100, Kate @109: Agreed.

The Onion issue commemorating 9/11 was magnificent, front to back. I can't recall anything remotely comparable in terms of a situation where a comedic institution rose so well to the challenge of a completely unfunny occasion that demanded a response nonetheless. And yes, here's hoping they won't need to again. (For several lifetimes, at least).

I hope, somehow, decades on, when the time comes to collect the best writing of the century, that some of those pieces get considered. That American flag cake deserves to be remembered. We were all Americans, for a short while.

#111 ::: Nix ::: (view all by) ::: January 21, 2009, 08:28 PM:

Charlie@#104, personally I was surprised by that. Apparently Cheney only has a little Dark Lord in him, just enough to cripple him when his power is gone (and presumably destroy his Undisclosed Location, surrounded by a very small square mountain range.)

#112 ::: David Harmon ::: (view all by) ::: January 21, 2009, 10:25 PM:

Charlie @#104, Nix@#112:

Field Negro has a different take on the matter:

And Dick, you are not fooling anybody. Sprained your back moving my ass. You were in a wheel chair because you did not want to have to stand up for his O ness. It was your final "F" you to a man and a movement who and which you despise and which is the very antithesis of everything you stand for. So tonight when you jump up out of that chair and start planning how to spend the millions you stole from us, may you fall on your fat ass and hurt your back "fo" real this time.

And one of his commenters adds:

Just one thing: While I think Dick Cheney is the spawn of Satan himself, he DID stand up and applaud the section of the speech where Obama said we'd never give in to terror.

Which tends to support FN's thesis....

#113 ::: Marilee ::: (view all by) ::: January 21, 2009, 11:05 PM:

David Harmon, #113, standing up for a bit doesn't mean he doesn't need the wheelchair for long distances. I get pushed in a wheelchair in airports because I can't walk that far without falling down. I do get up and walk through the magnetometer.

#114 ::: P J Evans ::: (view all by) ::: January 21, 2009, 11:14 PM:

I hurt my back moving boxes, once. Once I was standing up, I could stay up, but walking wasn't easy.
When they tell you don't twist while lifting - believe them. I've been a lot more careful handling boxes since then, and my back is happier.

#115 ::: feckless ::: (view all by) ::: January 22, 2009, 05:48 PM:

I thought 2005 was the year that satire overtook and sprinted ahead of reality.

The Onion guys knew it way back in 2000.

#116 ::: Raphael ::: (view all by) ::: January 22, 2009, 05:55 PM:

By the way, did anyone ever check the Bush Presidency against the Evil Overlord List? I can see that Bush and Cheney didn't bother with Item 12 ("One of my advisors will be an averagefive-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation."), but I haven't checked yet how well they did with the rest.

#117 ::: jenn ::: (view all by) ::: January 25, 2009, 07:20 PM:

Amazing to look back at that Onion article.

Amazing.

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