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This seems like a good moment to remind everyone that we don’t endorse every viewpoint presented or advocated by our advertisers, nor do we feel obliged to regularly note which ones we do or don’t agree with.
In fact, our default assumption is that our readers can make up their own minds. By and large, we approve most ads, unless they’re either irredeemably ugly or morally objectionable beyond the compass of reasonable disagreement. The decisions of the judges are final. Contents may have settled in shipping. Close cover before striking. Reg. Penna. Dept. Agric.
Contents measured by weight, not volume.
Do not open: contents not servicable by end user.
Do not climb on, play in or occupy this container for any purpose.
(there's a sticker to that effect on the dumpster at my work; I often wonder if we'd be better off if someone'd stuck one on Iraq.)
Open other side.
Do not return this product to the place of purchase.
No animals were hurt in the making of this blog.
Serving suggestion.
Do not immerse.
Do not use near open flame.
(dagburnit, Jen Roth beat me to the happy funball.)
Not actual size.
(dagburnit, Steve Buchheit beat me to griping about Jen Roth being first with the happy funball.)
Machine may start without warning.
& for the drivebys:
LIGHT FUSE AND GET AWAY.
Contents under pressure. Do not incinerate.
This product is made entirely of matter. Contact with antimatter will result in a devastating explosion.
Do not fold, spindle, or mutilate.
Item is handmade. Any variations in shade or weave are not flaws, but part of the individual nature of the item.
Do not get wet. And do not, under any circumstances, feed after midnight.
Do not use as a personal flotation device.
And during Prohibition: "Warning, do not add water to this product as it is likely to ferment."
UNDER PENALTY OF LAW
This Tag Not To Be Removed Except By The Consumer
100% Recycled Content. 10% Post-Consumer.
Do not drive with car sunshade in place.
If irritation occurs, contact a doctor or poison control center immediately.
If erection lasts more than four hours, see a doctor immediately.
Pregnant women or women who are thinking of becoming pregnant should not handle the broken tablets.
If ingested, aim for the head.
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Or, do not stop with hands or genitals.
No part may be reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of brief quotations embedded in criticial articles and reviews. If this is an emergency, hang up and call 911.
::waves at CaoPaux::
If you can't see my mirrors, I can't see you.
Improper use could result in serious bodily injury or property damage.
If you have received this posting in error, please delete it, and notify the sender immediately.
Product is provided "as is", without warranty of any kind whether express or implied. All implied warranties, including, without limitation, implied warranties of merchantability, fitness for a particular purpose, and non-infringement, are hereby expressly disclaimed.
No user-serviceable parts inside.
How's my driving?
I haven't seen dry-cleaning plastic bags in forever, but isn't there a legend on them which says something like "This bag is not a toy; keep small children away" or something like that?
Close before striking. Keep away from children.
#43: A lot of plastic bags have that warning.
All rights reserved, including that of translation into the Scandinavian.
If you have already sent in your payment, thank you! You may disregard this notice.
If you have already sent in your payment, thank you! You may disregard this notice.
* Never throw out the other person's head.
* Keep away from fire.
* Inspite of it is non-toxic, it cannot be eaten.
* Never pull out tounge of frog hard, as it might be separated.
* Its content has the oil, so if it touches on cloth, precious object or wall, the stains will remain if you don't care about it.
* Never put on surface of any object, shall keep in polybag.
Suggested for Mature Readers.
Stunt driver used on a closed course. Do not attempt.
Product sold by weight, not volume. Contents may have shifted during transit. Use caution when removing luggage from the overhead bins.
Do not feed after midnight.
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Manufactured in a plant that handles peanuts, tree nuts, egg products, seeds, wheat, sulfites and free thought.
Do not stand on or above this step! You could lose your balance!
(Seen on the second step of a stepladder...with only three steps! [No doubt it was policy to put that warning on the next-to-last step of all ladders, but sheesh.])
Change is possible!
(Seen on "pay on foot" parking garages throughout the United Kingdom. They mean you can get change back, but I find it kind of heartening.)
Not a flying toy. (that one always makes me cry)
Avoid contact with the brain, meninges and middle ear.
WARNING: There is an extremely small but nonzero chance that, through a process known as "tunneling", this product may spontaneously disappear from its present location and reappear at any random place in the universe, including but not limited to your neighbour's domicile. The manufacturer will not be responsible for any damages or inconveniences that may result.
(Eve: was that last one from a bottle of hibiscrub?)
"Caution: to prevent electric shock, do not remove cover. No user-servicable parts inside. Refer servicing to qualified service personnel."
Jules@61: Good spot. And I've loved it ever since I first read the Hibiscrub label.
For use in this time-line only. May not be transferred to alternative time-lines.
Avoid contact with eyes and skin.
By breaking the seal you irrevocably agree to abide by the terms and conditions of the agreement contained herein ...
With appertain rotor of screw setting pre ceiling on the under standing that screw no wield. May wield two-faced pressboard securing. Wield pre to begin with wiping ceiling of bilge dasto.
WARNING!!
* Prythee no sport with stingy or play asperity game. Winding finger have got bloodstream not wallk. Through of peril.
* Tad disport of time grown man tatelage.
* Till the cowcomes home. Wield toys damage, burn-in prythee wind to a close wield.
In the event of a water landing, your seat cushion may be used as a flotation device. Affix your own mask before helping others. Please locate the nearest exit, keeping in mind that it may be behind you.
Warning: the moving sidewalk is coming to an end.
Mind the gap.
Please remain seated until the ride comes to a complete and final halt.
Do not attempt to change fanbelt while engine is running.
Warning: Void behind this door
(seen on a mysterious door in Oxford Circus tube station)
J: "I am on fire and carrying explosives"
A friend of mine used to practice what he called "ontological activism" by putting stickers on walls, furniture, load-bearing structures etc reading "CAUTION: This object may not exist".
Re Larry@6: Often seen on TV dinners...
Serving Suggestion
KEEP FROZEN
Cape does not enable user to fly.
Also, let #63 be the epitaph for my heart.
Do not use while sleeping.
Not to be taken orally.
Do not use in or near water.
Do not use if seal under bottle cap imprinted with "Sealed for your protection" is broken or missing.
Keep out of reach of children.
Flammable until dry.
Here there be dragons.
WARNING! PINCH POINT! Items placed here may damage this rented equipment while being destroyed.
If eye contact occurs, flush with water for at least 15 minutes and contact a physician.
Use only in a well-ventilated area.
Shake well before applying.
If swallowed, do not induce vomiting.
This broadcast may not be reproduced or retransmitted without the express written consent of Major League Baseball.
We Are Happy To Serve You.
Shaken, not stirred (exception: political threads).
Your results may vary.
Not a significant source of other nutrients.
Cutting edge is sharp. Avoid Contact.
The characters and situations in this book are entirely imaginary and bear no relation to any real person or actual happening.
This is a true story. Only the events have been changed.
Names with an asterisk* have been changed to protect privacy.
Hold stick near center of its length. Moisten pointed end in mouth. Insert in tooth space, blunt end next to gum. Use gentle in-out motion.
Don't Panic.
Don't make me type all this again.
Dehydrated boulder. Just add water.
This train terminates here. Will all passengers please change.
Past performance is not a guarantee of future results.
This post not to be used to operate aircraft, weapon systems, or nuclear power plants, and shall not be exported to the nations of North Korea, Cuba, Libya, or Gretna, Louisiana.
Some of the listed capacity is used for formatting and other functions and is not available for storage.
Maximum width 100 inches.
In order to be declared a winner, entrants will be required to correctly answer a mathematical skill-testing question.
-Cut small slit in packaging before microwaving product
(I didn't find it before microwaving, though; guess it was too small)
-Do not allow children to operate without supervision
(seen on my table saw; wouldn't want them to operate unsupervised OR supervised, for that matter)
-Microwave and dishwasher safe
-Do not microwave (seen on a metal container)
Me: Yeah, about this "Default Tolerance" field on the dialog box. That wasn't in the spec. What's it do?
Software Developer: Oh, the user shouldn't have any reason to change that.
Me: What happens if they do?
SD: They'll probably just get bad results. Or the process won't run, and it'll return a system error.
Me: Why is it here?
SD: In case the user needs to change it for some reason. But I can't imagine why. They probably shouldn't touch it.
My brain (V.O.): So, you defined a constant as a variable, and then exposed it the UI. Good show.
Final documentation:
NOTE: [Company Name] strongly recommends that you do not modify the default tolerance value.
Not all plates increase in value.
Shown with optional equipment.
Do not insert in ear canal.
Is there any other object than a Q-tip that basically advises you against using it in the normal way everyone uses it? The closest I can come is my chainsaw, whose manual essentially says (distilled a bit) "If you use this tool you will die."
Dramatization.
Based on a true story.
Past performance is no guarantee of future results.
Candy is a treat. Please consume in moderation.
Professional driver on closed course.
For entertainment purposes only.
Do not use if you cannot see clearly to read the information in this information booklet.
After Meatloaf's "Objects in the Rear View Mirror May Appear Closer Than They Are" was unleashed upon an unsuspecting populace, my brother and I delighted in writing the lyrics to his presumptive follow-up hit, "Object May Have Shifted During Flight."
Please do not try anything that you're about to see us do, at home. We're experts.
- the MythBusters
Due to sexual content, you must be eighteen to order.
And the ever-popular Don't Try This at Home.
Some material may not be suitable for children. May contain adult themes, alcohol and tobacco use, some profanity, violence or brief nudity.
Add 180ml (6.30OZ) of hot boiled water (over 90C) while stirring counterclockwise quickly. Notice: The content can only be stirred one time, otherwise it won't be curdled. Consume it soon or keep in fridge after unpacked.
Grrr, argh!
(wrt "plastic bag != toy" warnings, at a farmers' market earlier this year I saw two toddlers who'd gotten hold of some plastic bags behind their mother's back and were happily popping them over their heads like astronaut helmets, giggling as the plastic alternately wafted outward and then suctioned up against their noses. Somehow I never actually thought kids would do that.)
Hire people with hooks. For a good time call 606-4311; Ask for "Ken."
Under applicable Federal laws, this tape may be duplicated only with advance written permission from the publisher.
By submitting your Material, you hereby
Teresa?
Ah, our unwanted visitors from yesterday afternoon. I see they haven't learned anything overnight.
I also see they're using the same addresses as yesterday.
You may not use the software installed on the licensed device within a virtual (or otherwise emulated) hardware system. Electric shock could occur if used outdoors. Wet Paint! Postscript error.
This program has committed an illegal operation.
"My brain (V.O.): So, you defined a constant as a variable, and then exposed it the UI. Good show.
Final documentation:
NOTE: [Company Name] strongly recommends that you do not modify the default tolerance value."
So, $COMPANY shipped software with a control for the sole purpose of producing unexpected failure modes, and the error was compounded by having it accompanied with documentation containing a cryptic warning not to use the control.
Very nice.
DaveL, #100: ...my chainsaw, whose manual essentially says (distilled a bit) "If you use this tool you will die."
But you'll still die if you don't use it, and you won't have had the chance to star in your own slasher flick!
Do not urinate directly into flask.
Hold for culture and sensitivity.
Panic values exceeded.
This movie based on actual historical legends.
(from the credits of National Treasure.)
To avoid electric shock, do not immerse in water.
The views expressed in this commentary are those of the authors, and are not to be taken as endorsed by the company or companies in question.
There may be Confidential Patient Information contained in this posting. This information should not be forwarded or printed unless it is necessary to meet governmental obligations in accordance with the public health disclosure under Section 164.512(b) (1)(iii) of the HIPAA Privacy Rule.
>> This is not a pipe.
It's also not a painting of one.
Hire people with hooks. For a good time call 606-4311; Ask for "Ken."
Have you been reading Dies the Fire?
People with heart or back problems and pregnant women should not ride this ride. You must be at least this tall to ride.
Apply directly to the forehead!
Which reminds me of the instructions that came with our Klein Bottle:
"For best results, avoid doing stupid things."
I find it has remarkably wide application.
I see the "PG" label wasn't strong enough.
Let's try again.
This thread Restricted: Under 17 requires accompanying parent or adult guardian. Contains adult material. May include graphic language, violence, sex, nudity and drug use.
Bonus material Not Rated.
Jo Walton's reminds me of Commit No Nuisance.
(Helene Hanff saw that one in a London square.)
(I'm seeing a surprising number of the warnings we used to include in tiny print on our installer disks, including a number of the physics-based disclaimers.)
WARNING: This product warps space and time in its vicinity.
CONSUMER ADVISORY: Despite any disclaimers to the contrary, this object contains 99.9999999999% empty space by volume.
Warning: The mass of this object may vary with its velocity relative to the user.
(Also, a few more safety warnings for good measure)
Do not attach to a heavy object, throw it up in the air, and stand under it.
Do not dissolve in acid and inhale the fumes.
Do not open before Christmas.
Do not try to dissolve Parliament in hydrofluoric acid.
Pas d'abus prolongés sans avis médical.
Do not open until Doomsday.
(Or don't you remember that episode of The Outer Limits?)
Caution: wild bulls running in the street.
Our Gift Package is guaranteed to make you a better athlete and a more attractive recruit.
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
With the arrow pointing forward, place the detector on the cow and press down firmly on the outer cloth portion. (An applicator is provided for this purpose.)
Observe cows diligently!
Beware of oncoming bus in middle of road under bridge.
Keep hands and arms inside the blog at all times.
Do not remove this tag under penalty of law.
Please rewind before returning.
Only refill with genuine Kikkoman soy sauce.
There once was an article in the business section of the San Francisco Chronicle that cautioned people to remain with both feet firmly on the ground, but without going overboard.
Intentional misuse by deliberately concentrating and inhaling contents may be harmful or fatal.
This garment will not enable wearer to fly.
Do not turn upside down.
In case of flood, proceed uphill.
Do not attempt to swallow.
Open bottle before drinking.
May irritate eyes.
Do not use as Ice Cream topping.
Do not use for drying pets.
Remove clothing before washing.
Keep away from children.
May contain small parts.
Details inside.
Push this button.
Seat must be facing forward for take-off and landing.
For outdoor use only.
Not to be used as a hedge trimmer.
Do not use while sleeping.
Not suitable for children.
Violators will be prosecuted.
You could be a winner!
Caution--contents flammable.
See serving suggestions.
Not dishwasher safe.
This bag is not a toy.
Teresa, again...
TNH @147 *
Thank you. I've been feeling the inner tug to do something with all these, but I haven't had the time (it's Serge and Fragano's fault).
Now I feel better, and you did a better job of it than I would have.
----
* You're 149 as I compose this, but that will change.
Hey, kiddies, how about you-all setting up your own blog where you can say all the silly (or embarrassing) things you want, without trashing other people's sites?
Or is that too complicated for you?
I've been feeling the inner tug to do something with all these, but I haven't had the time (it's Serge and Fragano's fault).
There I was, still basking in the glow of being abi's Muse and already she discards me. Fickle youth.
The white zone is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers only. There is no stopping in a red zone.
Mind the gap.
WARNING: Do not put any person in this washer.
That does it. I'm going to be contacting your school and filing a formal complaint.
No, Serge, you're still Musifying, but it's not for ML. Until the rejection letter comes through, anyway.
Don't go on strike.
Can Hotmail shut off their accounts? Would it be worth asking?
Meanwhile:
D-Ring Holds 25% More
Keep out of reach of fools.
Do not remove this label under penalty of law.
(Over a penalty of law is fine.)
WARNING:
Under Maine law, a skier assumes the risk of any injury to person or property resulting from any of the inherent dangers and risks of skiing and may not recover from any ski area operator for any injury resulting from any of the inherent dangers and risks of skiing, including, but not limited to: existing and changing weather conditions; existing and changing snow conditions, such as ice, hardpack, powder, packed powder, corn, crust and slush and cut-up, granular and machine-made snow; surface or subsurface conditions, such as dirt, grass, bare spots, rocks, stumps, trees, forest growth or other natural objects and collisions with such natural objects; lift towers, lights, signs, posts, fences, mazes or enclosures, hydrants, water or air pipes, snowmaking and snow-grooming equipment, marked or lit trail maintenance vehicles and snowmobiles, and other man-made structures or objects; variations in steepness or terrain, whether natural or as a result of slope design, snowmaking or grooming operations, including, but not limited to, ski jumps, roads and catwalks or other terrain modifications; the presence of and collisions with other skiers; and the failure of skiers to ski safely, in control or within their own abilities.
And, if you get a rejection letter, abi, THEN you'll discard me? To think I gave you the best years of my life and this is how I'm treated. Sniff.
John Houghton @ 161:
I think the only possibility they left out is failure of the ski equipment itself. Jeebus, that's a long list of not-responsible-for!
I'm working at home. Jim's away from his computer. Patrick is busy. I usually hunt via language patterns. Anybody here feel like playing haruspex with the entrails of IP address 199.216.252.3?
If you want full headers, just ask.
P J @163:
That is actually covered in a different section, and is posted on the equipment rental forms, but isn't required to be posted at the ski area.
Game content may change during online play.
"YOU VOLUNTARILY ASSUME THE RISK OF SERIOUS INJURY OR DEATH BY ATTENDING."
"You must bring enough food, water, shelter, and first aid to survive one week in a harsh desert environment. Commercial vending, firearms, fireworks, rockets and all other explosives prohibited. You agree to read and abide by ALL rules in the Survival Guide. You agree to follow federal, state, and local laws.
"This is a LEAVE NO TRACE, Pack it in, Pack it OUT event. You are asked to contribute 2 hours of playa clean up in addition to your own camp before departure..."
"PARTICIPATE"
John Houghton at 158, not you. Teresa has already taken care of it.
Do not Fold, Spindle, or Mutilate.
Abi # 149: Oh, dear me! What can I say?
Well....
There's something wicked sitting on my desk,
a pile of essays written in great haste
in language that's quite twisted and grotesque
a violation of all good sense and taste;
now you accuse me, oh how much it stings,
of magically taking all your time,
when you're the one whose pen (or keyboard) sings
in thoughtful, elegant, well-chosen rhyme.
It's not my fault or Serge's, I must say,
that work and family come to intervene,
in your most subtle inditing of a lay
that makes us laugh while being quite serene.
I'm finished now, and worried that you'll curse
my lame invention in much better verse.
Teresa, this school's site is 199.216.252.8, so I am pretty confident it's what you're looking for:
http://www.gppsd.ab.ca/macklin/index.html
Do not hold in hand while lighting.
Serge,
No, when the rejection letter comes, I post the sonnets here.
Fragano,
Work and family have intervened, but you're the one who suggested I try the Mystic Rite of Sending Stuff Off. I just decided to send stuff off that I haven't posted here first.
And that's a good one. Good flow to it.
Only aids weight loss as part of a calorie-controlled diet.
Willpower required.
The characters you have seen are played by specially trained actors, and for your own safety, do not try to imitate them.
Must end soon.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wikipedia:Administrators'_noticeboard/IncidentArchive105
This previously blocked publically used IP address 199.216.252.3 has resumed vandalizing pages. See here. Flibirigit 19:05, 1 June 2006 (UTC)
Running the IP address through one of the cousins of WhoIs confirms that it's an Alberta government IP address (Alberta PWSS, Telecommunications Division). Google has several entries for it on pages with site statistics.
Alberta is consistent with the 708 phone number they posted yesterday.
I used to think better of Canadians, as a whole.
Please try again.
(Not exactly a warning or instruction, but I always found it to be a very positive way to call someone a loser. "Don't give up. At least the bottle cap is supporting you.")
(You must preview before posting.)
If you cannot read or follow the instructions on this card, please ask a flight attendant to be reseated.
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